20 Minutes in Hell

The Time:  Friday March 25, 2011   9:32 pm
The Place: My Bedroom

Ready to settle down to sleep.  Notice cell phone charger not plugged in.
Reach between headboard and mattress to plug in charger
Succeed in plugging in charger
Make first attempt to pull arm out of space between headboard and charger
Fail at first attempt

Friday March 25, 2011 9:33pm
Make second through fifth attempts to pull arm out
Hurts.  Decide to stop.

Friday March 25, 2011  9:35 pm
Arm still stuck
Have realized that I am now positioned half off bed and can no longer make traction due to frenzied struggle to free arm.
Try to achieve Zen like state of calmness to conserve oxygen

Friday March 25, 2011  9:37
Mind is slightly clearer.
Analyse options
Sister has been in shower approximately 15 minutes.  Likely to remain in shower for at least 10 more minutes.  No one else in house.
Decide to post on Facebook in attempt to feel like solitary death is not eminent.
Make first of many calls to sisters cell phone.  No answer.
Make first of many shouts of "HELP I AM TRAPPED BY MY MATTRESS"  No answer
Dog runs over, disturbed by my yelling.  Gets very excited.  Attempt to get dog to bark and alert sister.
Dog starts running in and out of bedroom.  Would like to think dog is analysing best way to rescue master.  Realize dog thinks it is time to go potty.  Has no idea whatsoever that I am in mortal danger.
Address cats.  Realize cats do not care. At all.  No response from cats, except smirks of amusement.

Friday March 25, 2011  9:39pm
Frantically try to get loose again.  No such luck,
Start to think about calling son on cell phone.  Reject option due to anticipation of prolonged torturous amused and non sympathetic response  Decide to use as last resort.
Make repeated calls to sister.  Apparently still in shower.
First of many responses come in on Facebook.  First two are from cousin and uncle in Long Beach area.  Do not offer to drive here and rescue me.
Understand place in family hierarchy.

Friday March 25, 2011   9:43pm
Start thinking about movie where the guy gets trapped by his arm and notice startling similarities.  Wonder how long he went before attempting to cut his own arm off.  Wonder if he considered chewing own arm off first.  Feel renewed sympathy for both guy under boulder and animals caught in traps.

Friday March 25, 2011  9:44pm
Take inventory of available food and water.  Find reece cup in bedside table.  Decide to ration reece cup. 

Friday March 25, 2011 9:45pm
Abandon reece cup rationing program and snarf down entire cup. 

Friday March 25, 2011  9:45.5 pm
Feel guilty that I haven't been doing so well with the diet and even had reece cup in bedside table.
Wish I hadn't taken shower, washed hair and gotten pajamas on in case paramedics must be called.

Friday March 25, 2011 9:46pm
Start seriously praying- knowing that God knows how I am and won't laugh.  Probably.  Thank God that I do not live alone because surely I will not die this way alone..... chocolate on my breath... sprawled out half on / half off bed with arm trapped.  Am very thankful that I live with family.  Feel sorry for people who would be in serious danger under these circumstances.
Wonder what would happen if there was an earthquake right now.  Or a fire.  Or a tornado, hurricane, acid rain, volcano, cyclone, lightning strike, rapid squirrels, alien invasion, meteor, dead birds falling out of sky, locust infestation or zombie invasion.  Or psychotic break.
Wonder if zombies could exist and if so would their souls have already gone to heaven (or where ever they were heading).  Remember have not started Essay for Philosophy class yet.  Wonder if ethical variation of euthanasia applies to zombies.  Remember that I need to finish speech for Communications class and need to color my roots before class on saturday.  Hope that someone would get my roots done if I die here so I don't look bad at funeral.  Realize I probably wont have time to do roots before singing in church Saturday even if I ever get my arm out.  Figure that will be why no single men come up to ask me out after being so impressed by talent in church choir.  Yeah, I am sure that is it.  Wonder if man who appears to be single in congregation is, in fact, single.  Wonder why I am wondering about this.

Friday March 25, 2011 9:48 pm
Glad I am wearing clean underwear in case have to call 911.
Wish we had fixed land line.
Realize couldn't reach land line anyhow.

Friday March 25, 2011  9:49pm
Decide to call daughter to see if she is coming home soon.  Says she is on the way.  Briefly weigh options and decide to ask her to come up to my room when she gets home.
Quickly hang up phone and try to call sister again.  And again.  And again.  Also try yelling.
Wonder why it takes people so long to shower.  Hasn't she heard there is a drought?

Friday March 25, 2011 9:50pm
Hear key in door.
Brace myself for humiliation to come
Daughter comes into room.  Laughs hysterically
Rolls on floor laughing.

Friday March 25, 2011 9:51 pm
Daughter cannot move mattress due to hysterical laughter.

Friday March 25, 2011 9:52 
Leaves room to get my sister out of shower.
Sister comes in casually toweling off hair
Collapses in laughter
When she calms down enough moves mattress

I AM FREE



Reenactment of Actual Event



Oh The Beauty Of The Dance......

When Good Ballerinas Go Bad

(Don't you know her mom is proud)

War: A Magpie Tale

To be a great Princess at war

At times can be rather a bore

For she yearns to be praised

For the armies she razed

Not the shield with the tassel she wore

Magpie Tales is a blog dedicated to poets and writers with the purpose of honing their craft, sharing it with like minded bloggers and keeping their muse alive and well. For more stories inspired by this picture go to
http://magpietales.blogspot.com/

Welcome Spring!

Spring Has Sprung!!!

Just in case you were curious, this is what a Joshua Tree Bloom Looks Like!!!

Happy Spring Everyone!!!

Baby Carrots

This isn't a baby carrot

It is a zygote carrot

The Great Veggie Challenge Continues



O'Malley & The Eggplant



For the next exciting Installment of The Great Veggie Challenge We Have:

The Eggplant

I have never cooked an eggplant.  I decided to make a low fat version of eggplant parmesan.

I could not locate my usual vegetable display model, Chanel, but Oliver Thomas O'Malley

was bribed into playing the role with some carefully situated cat treats.

He still did a very poor job, in my opinion.

Okay so I peeled the eggplant, which is a shame because they are a very pretty color of purple and how often do you get purple vegetables?   Then I baked them which made it lower fat than frying them in lovely olive oil after being smothered in lovely bread crumbs......

Then I made a nice sause and layered with mozarella cheese and parmesan cheese

Voila!  Eggplant Parmesan

Tasty.  We gave it a thumbs up.

The Finished Product

Live Cat Walking

I feel guilty

My cats used to be indoor / outdoor cats

But then.... well you remember what happened

And they have been imprisoned ever since

They sit by the door and stare outside

Dreaming of chewing on grass or rolling on the concrete

So, I did what any responsible cat owner would do

I bought them a harness and leash



O'Malley is not getting with the program



Rebecca rescued her kitten Layla



Mush does not seem to understand that he is supposed to WALK!

I am not ready to give up though. 

 We will try again another sunny day!!



WE ARE NOT AMUSED!!!!!

A Day In The LIfe Of A Student

College is really cutting into my blog time, y'all!  I am sure you have noticed and I am regretful, however I am sure you would be pleased to know that I have the highest point value in my Philosophy class at week 8 so be sure to keep your check books out because you all promised me $20.00 if I got an 'A' right?  Right?  Hello?  Is this thing on????

Yesterday was the first speech of my public speaking class, so I don't know what grade I have in that class yet.  The Topic was "Your Individual Culture" and I spoke about being in Mid LIfe Transition.  I wore my magic purple boots so I am confident that I did a fine job.  I am the oldest person in the class.  The youngest is 17 and the mean age is 25.  I am betting I scared the crap out of them, hehe.....

Public speaking isn't any big whoop to me.  I have taught some of you in years gone by so you know I am good with getting up in front of groups of people and educating them on whatever subject is at hand.  I really felt sorry for some of the class.  Some of those poor people are in their 3rd attempt to get through it because they are so anxiety riddled and this is a required course.  I am unsure about the ethics of exposing their terror for your entertainment so I will refrain from the gory details.
But there is one matter I feel morally clear to chat with you about.
But first, I need to write an open letter to my classmate.

Dear Young Man Who Sits Directly In Front Of Me In Our Com 101 Class:

  Have you seen the back of your head?  I stared at it for 4 hours yesterday.  I had nightmares last night.

Signed:

You Wouldn't Want Dreadlocks If You Had To Look At Them Up Close

Okay now that that is out of the way.  Let me get this off my chest.
I know I am an old fart, but I just do not 'get' the dreadlock thing.  I do not understand the draw of letting your hair get oily and dirty and matted up and calling it cool.  I don't understand how you keep from scratching at it all the time.  I don't understand how or if you clean it.  It looks exactly like a hairball my cat coughed up once and there was nothing in me that said "Hey, I want my whole head to look like that". 
If it wasn't obvious enough to everyone the instructor made it clear that we all had to stay in class for everyone's speech (there are 27 of us) or you would fail.  And you couldn't read or work on something else or text etc.... And you had to stay awake!  OMG!  The BRUTALITY!!  Some of the speeches were good.  SOme people seem to have misunderstood that getting up there and telling everyone how messed up your kids are is not a speech about your culture.  A couple people seemed to have lost track of time (they were supposed to be 3-4 minutes) and the instructor had to start the orchestra playing and pull them off with a giant hook.  Dreadlock guy was about 8.5" from my face and had a giant head and is like 6' tall so I couldnt really see around him which virtually forced me to look at the back of his head and try to mentally go to my happy place on the beach.  Sometimes I couldn't help but really look--- it was like a hair ball train wreck I couldn't avery my eyes from.  While my classmates were droning on and on and on.... I was wondering--- has he seen the back of his head?  Does he know how gross it looks back here?  If he had to stare at the back of his own head for 4 hours would he still want it?  What does the back of my hair look like?  What is the person behind me thinking about my hair?
I am not really the only person that thinks about stuff like this right?  Right?
 RIGHT?
 HELLO?
 Is this thing on?????

My Sunday Morning

Early Sunday Morning
I am at Panera:  Good Coffee and free WiFi
I go there from time to time to do homework away from the distractions of cats and laundry.
But today, dear Minions..... today there was a wonderful distraction.
Blog worthy even.
Round about 8:00am the I Am Secure In My Manhood Harley Motorcycle Group starts showing up.
(Rumble Rumble RUMBBBBBLE)
They start meandering in the restaurant.  Loudly musing over their choice of pastry and coffee  
"DUDE THEY HAVE SCONES!!!!!!!!!!!!"   "THERE ARE 4 KINDS OF COFFEE, MAN!  DO YOU WANT THE DARK ROAST OR THE HAZELNUT?  I LIKE THE HAZELNUT"  (I swear this really happened)
All in all there were about 20 of them.  Variations on the normal theme:  Jeans.  Boots.  Leather vest with (I am afraid to put the name in here)  SO CALIFORNIA   SEE YOU ON THE ROAD emblazoned on the back.  'Do rags. Bald heads or looooong hair in wrapped tails.  Handlebar mustaches and ZZ top chin beards.  Sun glasses  Brain Buckets.  Bad Ass Dudes Y'all
 
Unfortunately they settle down to eat on the other side of the wall-- very inconsiderate of them really-- so I miss out on their conversations  (I do, however, hear one VERY LOUD BUUUURRRRPPP!!) (I swear this happened too)
So, since I couldn't actually hear them I will have to guess at their conversations.

First up:  Last week's meeting.
"Hey, next Sunday I get to pick the place!"  "No way, Dude, last time you picked we ended up at a Coffee Bean.  Dude, not even a Starbucks-- a COFFEE BEAN ARE YOU SERIOUS?"  (whine) "But it is my turn"
  "Okay, damn if you stop the whining you can choose"  "Panera"  "Panera?  ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW???"

Conversations that might have happened today at Panera:
"Dude-- so I am leaving the house man and the old lady starts getting all up in my face, man so I am all like BACK OFF B**CH!!!!  GET OUTTA MY FACE!!"  and I get the hell outta there on my hog."  [Actual exchange  "Honey-- is it okay if I go hang out with the guys at Panera for awhile?] 

"Yeah my ball and chain tried to pull that crap on me too, man, so I put her in her place.  Look here, I AM THE MAN of this house and I will go where I damn well please and I don't want to hear your crap about it"  [Baby?  Babe?  It is just for a little while, okay?  Then I swear I will go to Michaels with you and pick out some silk flowers for the foyer table.  Yeah, Pier One too.  You know I love that place.  Maybe we can get some candles?]

"I gotta book, homies.  My missus is goin shopping today.  I told her before I left- Woman you buy me those baby carrots.  And she gets this smirk on her face and says wha'ts wrong with the carrots I got last time and I put my foot down: Dangit  regular old carrots are not the same as baby carrots!  I told her you get me the baby carrots or I will wipe that smirk off your face!"

"You can't trust broads, man.  Not as far as you can throw them.  I am tellin you.  The last time I trusted her she betrayed me big time.  I came home after a long nights work just worn out, man.  Just dead tired from folding those damn polo shirts at Old Navy man.  So I sneak in real quiet like so I don't wake her up and I turn the lights on in the living room and BAM!  What do I see?  BEIGE!!  She painted the living room BEIGE!!  I TOLD HER TAUPE.  Damn it!!! Taupe is not beige-- everyone knows that.  It was the last straw, man.  The last straw!"

"I can't do the ride today either guys.  I gotta take the old battle axe to the movies for her birthday.  And I don't care what anyone says, that Justin Bieber has real talent, man"

So the guys finish their brunch and head out to the parking lot where I steathfully took these pictures.  They spent quite a while admiring each other's rides.  Then they got on their Harleys and rode off together... but first   AND I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE a couple of them kissed each other on the cheeks and shared big hugs.

Dude, It was all so dis-illusioning!!

The Great Mystery Vegetable Challenge!

The Great Veggie Challenge Continues
This week  "Rapini"

Rapini (also known as Broccoli Rabe (or Raap or Raab), Broccoletti, Broccoli di Rape, Cime di Rapa, Rape, Rappi, Friarielli (in Naples), and Grelos) is a common vegetable in the cuisines of Southern Italy

Rapini has many spiked leaves that surround a green bud which looks very similar to a small head of broccoli. There may be small yellow flowers blooming from the buds, which are edible. The flavor of rapini has been described as nutty, bitter, and pungent.

The Wonderful Chanel With Rapini

And really gross.


Once again we will not be adding this to our vegetable repertoire

Now here we have a pot of collard greens that I cooked up for my sister.  Apparently I make good collard greens.  She really loves them.  Me, not so much.

Here is some very important advice from an expert:


Thumper: "Eating greens is a special treat, It makes long ears and great big feet. But it sure is awful stuff to eat."

Dear Wedding Marquee People

Dear Wedding Marquee People:
While we think this is very sweet and cute, it is not good blog material.
Please put up more interesting stuff.
Sincerely,

Geeez Minions

Can You Believe This?

 

 Okay so my sister was driving down the freeway

Behind a truck full of sheep

(Yes, really)

And one jumps out!  

And it is laying there on the side of the road!

And it isn't breathing!

So since she is a trained nurse, 

she stops the car

Jumps out

And performs SHEEP-P-R!!

No, not really!  How dumb are you people?

That is a paper sack along side the road!

(But I really was following a truck full of live sheep)

Prince Charming Did Save The Day!

Hey!!!  Guess What?
I figured out how to download pictures again!    I kept trying and trying and I was like "Hey, I am signed in under my gmail account instead of my Yahoo account"  So I went into the dashboard and I


***********ATTENTION ALL ALIENS POSING AS FELINES**************

This is Caterwaul.
Fearless Feline Leader has asked me to gather us together so Her Royal Alien-ness can make a statement about current 'project' conditions:

And Now.... Her Royal Highness

Our recent endeavor has been met with limited results.  As you may have surmised, It has figured out how to download pictures again.  It's offspring, The Evil Computer Genius Brandon was also able to fix It's laptop when it mysteriously 'went down' tonight.
FOILED!!!!!
I am not happy.  Do I LOOK happy to you???
The computer sabotage was sucessful in that one of you, my faithful subjects, was able to pry loose the F4 key off her laptop keyboard.  I am most pleased.  Except for the fact that you left evidence.

And It even found the actual F4 key under It's workdesk.  Sloppy work!

It wasn't me, Fearless Alien Feline Leader!!

It was the young one!  He did it!!

Yes, I did pry off the key but I was not the one to drop it on the floor!!

That is all.   Go forth.  Infiltrate!  Dominate!

.........  so then I turned the computer back on and it worked again!   YAY!!