Sunday, March 27, 2011

20 Minutes in Hell

The Time:  Friday March 25, 2011   9:32 pm
The Place: My Bedroom

Ready to settle down to sleep.  Notice cell phone charger not plugged in.
Reach between headboard and mattress to plug in charger
Succeed in plugging in charger
Make first attempt to pull arm out of space between headboard and charger
Fail at first attempt

Friday March 25, 2011 9:33pm
Make second through fifth attempts to pull arm out
Hurts.  Decide to stop.

Friday March 25, 2011  9:35 pm
Arm still stuck
Have realized that I am now positioned half off bed and can no longer make traction due to frenzied struggle to free arm.
Try to achieve Zen like state of calmness to conserve oxygen

Friday March 25, 2011  9:37
Mind is slightly clearer.
Analyse options
Sister has been in shower approximately 15 minutes.  Likely to remain in shower for at least 10 more minutes.  No one else in house.
Decide to post on Facebook in attempt to feel like solitary death is not eminent.
Make first of many calls to sisters cell phone.  No answer.
Make first of many shouts of "HELP I AM TRAPPED BY MY MATTRESS"  No answer
Dog runs over, disturbed by my yelling.  Gets very excited.  Attempt to get dog to bark and alert sister.
Dog starts running in and out of bedroom.  Would like to think dog is analysing best way to rescue master.  Realize dog thinks it is time to go potty.  Has no idea whatsoever that I am in mortal danger.
Address cats.  Realize cats do not care. At all.  No response from cats, except smirks of amusement.

Friday March 25, 2011  9:39pm
Frantically try to get loose again.  No such luck,
Start to think about calling son on cell phone.  Reject option due to anticipation of prolonged torturous amused and non sympathetic response  Decide to use as last resort.
Make repeated calls to sister.  Apparently still in shower.
First of many responses come in on Facebook.  First two are from cousin and uncle in Long Beach area.  Do not offer to drive here and rescue me.
Understand place in family hierarchy.

Friday March 25, 2011   9:43pm
Start thinking about movie where the guy gets trapped by his arm and notice startling similarities.  Wonder how long he went before attempting to cut his own arm off.  Wonder if he considered chewing own arm off first.  Feel renewed sympathy for both guy under boulder and animals caught in traps.

Friday March 25, 2011  9:44pm
Take inventory of available food and water.  Find reece cup in bedside table.  Decide to ration reece cup. 

Friday March 25, 2011 9:45pm
Abandon reece cup rationing program and snarf down entire cup. 

Friday March 25, 2011  9:45.5 pm
Feel guilty that I haven't been doing so well with the diet and even had reece cup in bedside table.
Wish I hadn't taken shower, washed hair and gotten pajamas on in case paramedics must be called.

Friday March 25, 2011 9:46pm
Start seriously praying- knowing that God knows how I am and won't laugh.  Probably.  Thank God that I do not live alone because surely I will not die this way alone..... chocolate on my breath... sprawled out half on / half off bed with arm trapped.  Am very thankful that I live with family.  Feel sorry for people who would be in serious danger under these circumstances.
Wonder what would happen if there was an earthquake right now.  Or a fire.  Or a tornado, hurricane, acid rain, volcano, cyclone, lightning strike, rapid squirrels, alien invasion, meteor, dead birds falling out of sky, locust infestation or zombie invasion.  Or psychotic break.
Wonder if zombies could exist and if so would their souls have already gone to heaven (or where ever they were heading).  Remember have not started Essay for Philosophy class yet.  Wonder if ethical variation of euthanasia applies to zombies.  Remember that I need to finish speech for Communications class and need to color my roots before class on saturday.  Hope that someone would get my roots done if I die here so I don't look bad at funeral.  Realize I probably wont have time to do roots before singing in church Saturday even if I ever get my arm out.  Figure that will be why no single men come up to ask me out after being so impressed by talent in church choir.  Yeah, I am sure that is it.  Wonder if man who appears to be single in congregation is, in fact, single.  Wonder why I am wondering about this.

Friday March 25, 2011 9:48 pm
Glad I am wearing clean underwear in case have to call 911.
Wish we had fixed land line.
Realize couldn't reach land line anyhow.

Friday March 25, 2011  9:49pm
Decide to call daughter to see if she is coming home soon.  Says she is on the way.  Briefly weigh options and decide to ask her to come up to my room when she gets home.
Quickly hang up phone and try to call sister again.  And again.  And again.  Also try yelling.
Wonder why it takes people so long to shower.  Hasn't she heard there is a drought?

Friday March 25, 2011 9:50pm
Hear key in door.
Brace myself for humiliation to come
Daughter comes into room.  Laughs hysterically
Rolls on floor laughing.

Friday March 25, 2011 9:51 pm
Daughter cannot move mattress due to hysterical laughter.

Friday March 25, 2011 9:52 
Leaves room to get my sister out of shower.
Sister comes in casually toweling off hair
Collapses in laughter
When she calms down enough moves mattress


Reenactment of Actual Event

1 comment:

ltlrags said...

I was on the edge of my seat the whole time wondering if you made it out alive.