Snowy Gets A Job

Dear Aunt LeAnn:


Sorry it has been awhile since I have written to you. I have been very busy. I was running out of cash so I got a job in construction.

Life outside the box has been all I ever dreamed about.... and so much more! I have made many new friends and had interesting adventures. Once I earn enough money and save up I plan to start traveling.

I miss my mom, Monica, even though she kept me locked up for all those lonely, lonely years..... My therapist says that she probably has her own issues that she has to deal with coughhoardingcough and that she may have had trouble expressing love to me once she was a grown up. It is hard to accept but I am trying to remember that she is a real person too--- just like me--- and loves me in her own way. I have even begun the forgivness process for all the times that you, Aunt LeAnn, told Monica that I was stiff and not real.

Dammit... didn't you ever read the Velveteen Snowy?????

Excuse me, I need to call my therapist again real quick.

Love~

Snowy

Joe's Turf Removal Service

The following is a paid commercial announcement:

Hi!
Do you have a dead lawn that needs to be removed?
Is your 'green' container full already?
Are you too cheap to rent a dumpster or get a truck?
If you said 'YES' to any of these questions, then Joe's Turf Removal Service may be for YOU!!

Just have your grabnoids tear up your front lawn and then give me a call at 1-800-HAULURCRP and ask for 'Jose'. We will go to the local grocery story coughVallartacough and steal a grocery cart which we will then use to haul off your dead lawn. First, of course, we will fill it up and leave it in your front lawn so you, and probably all your neighbors, can be thouroghly disgusted.


And if you call today we will also, FOR NO EXTRA CHARGE WHATSOEVER take your neighbors trash cans while they aren't looking and put them in your backyard so you have to go over to return them and feel like a total idiot.
Thank you!

YES THIS IS MY REAL LIFE, YOU CAN"T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

Kevin Help Us!!!

So, I go to work and the yard looked just as it usually did, minus the tree that Monica uprooted with her bare hands.

I come home and it looks like this

I know what happened.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

You must do it!

That is right...........WE HAVE GRABNOIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be Afraid.... BE VERY AFRAID

Wordless Wednesday

Supermarket restroom trash can........ It is just a danged good thing they had this label on it or I probably would have eaten anything I found in there!

Amatuer Arborist

Guess who has the worst looking yard in the neighborhood?
In our defense, it was a foreclosure and we used up all our money covering up the hideous paint on the inside of the house. But recently we got our tax returns and decided that there was enough to fix the yard. Before we got fined by the city as some people in our neighborhood had experienced.
So we called our favorite handy man guy who came over and gave us an estimate, which we accepted, and gave him a deposit to go order sod. Saturday it suddenly occurs to Monica that we have a huge ugly dead tree in the middle of the yard. This tree was about 8-9 feet tall but had no branches or leaves. She wants to get rid of it. I did too but figured it was too late to worry about it since the yard work starts Monday. With my typical make lemonade out of lemons mentality figured we could pretend that we intended it to be there and make some sort of low table or put a pot of flowers on it or a ceramic turtle or something. This eats away at my sister all weekend long. She suggests tying a rope to it and to her Suburban and pulling it out. I remind her of how many times movies had used that as a plot device. Even our mom recalls a time her father tried to do that only to have it pull the bumper and part of the undercarriage of the car off. I don't spend any much time worrying over this, but my sister is now obsessed. I go to work. She occasionally texts me with thoughts about the dead tree and to make sure I was really at work since she still hasn't really forgiven me for that episode a few weeks ago when she thought I was dead in a ditch somewhere.

Sunday Afternoon.... In her own words:
I was laying in bed, taking a nap, thinking "I am sure I can pull that tree up by myself. I am just going to go on down and try one time." So I put on my bedroom slippers and went outside. With my right leg I started pushing on the tree while I was on the phone with my sister (who thought I was really nuts) telling her what I was doing. In about four pushes it snapped and there it went. Luckily I wasn't pushing it towards the picture windows in the front of the house. And Viola! No more tree in the front yard. And to think we thought about hiring someone to come do that and probably charge us hundreds of dollars. Who says us girls can't handle things by ourselves?
This is a picture of the tree surgeon. It was getting dark outside when we got home from the movies so I pulled the car up across the street and turned on the brights. Of course the neighbors were watching this.
Anyhow.... She performed an amputation just above the bifurcation. The patient did not survive the surgery. It has, in fact, been thrown over the fence where we plan to cut it up and cremate it next winter.
Rest in peace, dead tree..... rest in piece! (Get it?) (I crack myself up)

I'm A Rambling Woman

My DS and DIL (dear son and daughter in law) are camping this week. In a tent. (shudder)
My DD (dear daughter) is getting ready to go to New York with her dads this weekend. I, on the other hand, am working.... and working.... and homeworking.... and being a slug the rest of the time.
Camping: yuck. I don't like being wet or cold or laying on the ground. I prefer to 'camp' in motels. They don't have to be GREAT hotels... a modest Motel 6 will do. I don't like critters. I like showers and toilets and TV. So sue me. Camping isn't what it once was, I must say. The other night my son texted me.... from his campfire... That just isn't right. When he was a kid he was always one to play in the fire. Poking at it... lighting cups on fire.... It has been said that I did the same thing as a kid so it must be genetic. So last night, when he was texting me, I reminded him not to play with his phone and his fire at the same time lest he end up with a true "BLACKberry" Get it? OMG, I crack myself up!
My daughter is heading off to NYC to see the town. This is her 18th birthday gift from her dad. For my 18th birthday I think I got a reminder to leave home. Oh yeah, and my boyfriend gave me an engagement ring. This is exactly how it was. Jim: I am coming over. I picked up your ring. Me: Don't give it to me now don't you want to do something romantic? My mom is here. Jim: I just want to give you your ring... Here it is. The End I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THERE WAS SOMETHING OFF ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!! Why didn't anyone warn me????? Hello?
Anyhow...................
Back to Lauren.... I hope she has a great time. I wish I were going too. Brandon & Jericho have been to the east coast also. It is a sin to be envious, huh?
Since my oldest offspring and his bride are gone I am in charge of feeding my grand-kitty Angel. My grand-puppy Penny is having a vacation at the Spoelstra home. I guess they thought she needed spiritual counseling (Mr Spoelstra is one of our pastors). Both their animals have an eating disorder where they will eat anything in front of them and then barf it right up so they don't get to self feed. We self feed at my house. The dog... the cats... especially me..... Every morning and evening I am walking to their house , which used to be my house, to feed Angel. She is always starving. She breaks my heart. Every time I get the little scoop of food out she bangs into it and sends kitty crunchies flying all over the place.... so I guess she is also entertaining herself because she finds every one of them.
Do I sound tired tonight? I am tired. Work is stressful these days. I take it all so personally. I worry over the money and I fret over my co-workers. I don't like leaving for work when it is dark outside but the evenings are so nice right now and it is good to be able to take the dog for a walk after work.
The flowers blooming on the trees are so beautiful. The Joshua tree outside my office has several blooms on it--- those are rare and spectacular.
I know I am rambling. Tired my old body is--- joints are sore. Must be the weather changing. But my mind is awake--- kinda. I am praying for so many of my friends who have family problems. Sick and aging parents. Physical problems. I have had my pajamas on for hours and it isn't even 8:00pm yet. I keep reminding myself that the time change does not mean my body thinks it is 9:00 it thinks it is 7:00. My mind is so confused.
Rambling on and on.... assuming you all want to hear about it.....
My friend JC mentioned me in her blog today. And clicking on my name jumps over to my blog where we see..... yet another post about my traveling stuffed cat, Snowy. I suppose I should try for words of profundity (now there is a Big Word for you) but maybe I am just tired.

Snowy Eats Out

Dear Aunt LeAnn

The other day I went out to dinner for at Chili's. See me in the 'C'? It was awesome. I ate and ate and ate-- cuz

I hadn't eaten in 35 years. Monica didn't even stick stuff through the box. I could barely even breathe.

It

I finished it off with a big milkshake. It was yummy.

Wordless Wednesday

Except for one thing-- look how much better Yvette is looking!
She had licked off almost all of her fur and lost a lot of weight and she is so much better now. She is the one on the right without the white nose stripe. Her sister, Chanel, has a sisterly paw around her. They are sweet girls!

Snowy Takes to The Road

I heard from Snowy.

She is sending me emails. She was going to send them to her mom (Monica) but since she never looks at her emails, she is communicating to me. Here is her note:



Dear Aunt LeAnn;

Sorry to worry everyone. After spending 35 years in a dusty old box I just had to get out and see the world. It isn't easy for a stuffed cat (?) with no arms and legs but I am doing fine.

So far I learned to drive. My hero is Tounces, The Driving Cat. The Cat Who Could Drive A Car. CLICK HERE FOR AWESOME VIDEO Or HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT TOUNCES ON WIKIPEDIA

Will write more soon,

Love,

Snowy

More Reasons Not To LIke Utah

Over the past few days I heard the following news items about Utah on the Family Talk station I listen to on my Blackberry:
A bank was held up. The clerk does not know if the robber was armed but assumes that he was.
Murder of BYU professor. More than 30 guns missing from his home
Police officer aledges he was fired for turning in another officer who had porn on the office computer (People in Utah don't look at porn!)
Chuck-a-rama has the best home cooking
Bills at the capital to increase cigarette taxes (People in Utah don't even smoke!)
2 people accused of stealing metal vases from a cemetary.
House passed tax break for hiring unemployed workers (as opposed to hiring Employed workers?)
The sage grouse will not be listed as an endangered species (Thank Goodness!)
Pilot made a landing on Hwy 6 without causing any accidents
34 Yr Old Veronica Montez was thought to be kidnapped but was found by Homicide detectives hiding in the crawl space of her home. (Was Snowy there too?)
The high is Ghetto Roasted Turkey (I swear they said this- I think it was another commercial for Chuck-a-rama)
First person charged with new animal cruelty laws. Anthony Spinal got a sentence for beating kicking and throwing his girlfriends puppy against a wall and recording the abuse on her cell phone voice mail. (this is true. How disgusting)
One million tons of radioactive waste taken to the Colorado River (That explains a lot)
Man was arrested after drug sniffing dog found heroin inside a bag of Funions. (I thought it was pot that gave you the munchies? HEY PEOPLE IN UTAH DON"T USE DRUGS!!)
34 year old cafeteria worker arrested for having a 9 month long sexual relationship with a middle school child. She has been placed on PAID administrative leave. (It is probably just a group marriage thing)
More reasons I don't like Utah

Maybe Snowy Wasn't Abducted

I found this today. Do you know what this is? It is the inside of my cat food cupboard. I couldn't see what was going on in there so I just stuck the camera in and shot a picture.
Empty bags of cat treats. LOTS of empty bags.
I think I know what is going on.
I think Snowy has been sneaking in and living in the cupboard.
Sit down because this is going to be Shocking: I am starting to think that Snowy has not been abducted but FAKED HER OWN KIDNAPPING!
Shocking.......

My Morning

Yesterday it became clear that I was going to need to register one of the company vehicles that had been non-operational. And they needed it yesterday.
You know what that means, don't you?
A trip to the DMV
Without an appointment!!!!!
(Insert scary music here)
So this morning, in my stupidity, I decided to dress nicely and wear heels. Big Mistake
Because, as it turns out I spent the first hour of my captivity at the DMV office outside waiting in line. In the COLD and the WIND.
Eventually I made it inside. What is it about that place? It reminds me of what I would imagine the port on the River Styx to look like-- sad, worn out, disoriented people shuffling along. Hesitant. Watching their surroundings. Scouting out the rare chair to sit in and rushing to grab it when one is vacated. There is a prevailing sense of hopelessness in the air as if you are not sure you can wait it out until your number is called. What if you were to start screaming and pulling out your hair, you wonder. What if someone defies the security personnel and refuses to follow directions? Will a riot ensue? Anarchy? Dogs and cats living together?
I have a number in the 'B' series. I guess Mr/Ms 'B' went to lunch while I was there because nary a 'B' number was called for 45 minutes. This became a big source of speculation amongst my fellow inmates. This was about the time we began to bond. My seat mate had just been released from prison the day before. He was clearly prepared for the wait because he had a backpack full of candy and food and WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE WAS IN THERE! We spent quite a bit of time comparing tattoos. I felt pretty much like the oldest white woman in the world because I had nothing to add to the conversation. The other people all had tats. He vividly described some of the more creative prison tats his prison friends had given one another. All I have to say: Yikes.
Finally, over 4 hours into my ordeal, my number was called. This was met with applause from my little cell of fellow DMVers and well wishes that I would be able to accomplish my tasks. 20 minutes later I was on my way. The people waiting at the outside of the DMV are pretty much just as stressed-- but they can smoke. And they do. If the wind hadn't been blowing I am pretty sure the office would have been smogged in. I pass those people who obviously are in awe and envy of my escape and cross the parking lot. The parking lot is also a source of stress and tension. A car pulls out. Another call signals to pull in. A jerk in a truck slams into her spot. She honks. And she yells. And she HONKSHONKSHONKS and she gets out, runs over to the guy and throws a full soda (with ice) in his face. They are yelling and gesturing at each other as I get in my car, say a prayer of thanksgiving and get the heck out of there.

The Day LeAnn Disapeered

Today is a guest blog by my sister, Monica.

Yesterday my sister, LeAnn, went missing in action.
At approximately 10:44am I had purchased an iced coffee and cookies for her. When I was leaving Utah the day before she had instructed me to buy those for her. Rebecca and I drove over to her office to find she was not there. I started calling her and texting her. And much to my dismay: no answer.
Hours go by. Still no answer. I called her friend Stacy to see if she had heard from her. I called her son Brandon and he hadn't heard from her. And now I am starting to get really worried. This is so not like her. Next I call my charge nurse at work to check the hospital census and see if she was in the Emergency Room. She was not there. So I called the other hospital in town and inquired in their ER but she wasn't there either. At this point Stacy is calling me suggesting that I call the church. I call but there was just an answering machine. Meanwhile the iced coffee has completely melted and Rebecca is starting to eat the cookies. There were 22 phone calls between all of us in a 3.5 hour period of time. And 14 text messages to try to locate her. I also went back to her work 4 times looking for her car. Finally her son was able to get a message through to her computer at work. And he said "Hey, dummy. What are you doing?" And she texted back "Hi, wassup" and then he heard nothing back for about half an hour. My sister thought it was odd that she hadn't been called or texted all day but she was enjoying the silence and getting a lot of work done in her office. Where she said she would be. She was also getting caught up on Lost while she was working on boring stuff. So didn't notice that her son was still texting stuff like 'MOM ARE YOU DEAD?" and other things. She was focused on her work. And Lost because it is hard to watch that stuff and figure out what is going on. Right before we called the Police Brandon decided to make a trip to her office. Next thing she knows Brandon shows up knocking on the office door. Which she answers because I hadn't thought to KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR because I thought I would set the alarm off. On my 5th trip to the office there she was. Happily working away in her office. Her car was across the street in a parking lot where she told me she parks on Sundays so no one knows she is there and bugs her. I was just concentrating on the fact that I thought she was dead in ditch somewhere. But apparently her cell phone froze up and even though it looked okay nothing was going through.
So Brandon and I bawled her out pretty good and she apologized for many hours until she finally said OKAY I DIDN"T DO ANYTHING WRONG! Stacy came over to watch / mock the Academy Awards except for Sandra Bullock because we love her. Stacy also gave her a tongue lashing.
And we ate a lot of pizza and chocolate. And continued to remind her throughout the evening how badly she scared us and finally toward the end she was just getting pissed. Because she didn't do anything wrong. She wasn't in a ditch. She wasn't out with Mark. She wasn't at the bar. She wasn't dead somewhere with dogs eating her like in Bridget Jones' Diary. She wasn't doing ANYTHING FUN. Well, except for watching Lost cuz Sawyer is kinda hot. And Jacob too. And Richard. But not the smoke monster guy. Or Locke. He is just creepy.
Today she was a good girl and answered all my texts that she was at work. ALL. DAY. LONG.
The end.
(PS: She helped me write this)

You Don't Believe Me??

I can hear you out there thinking-- Snowy can't be evil. She looks so sweet.
Trust me.
She is EVIL
Here are just a few things I caught her doing recently

How Will I Tell My Sister????

Sometime in the last few days while my sister has been in Utah, something horrible has happened. Snowy has been abducted.

Stay tuned for further developments.

UUuummmmm

It is Friday nite in the Big City

My old lady isn't coming back from Utah until tomorrow. So tonight.

Tonight is Animal Cookie Milkshake Nite.

Me and the DIL were out on the town. Decided to wrap things up with a trip to Carls Jr for the Circus Milkshake Experience.

First we went to the one on Ave L & 10th St West. They didn't have them. OMG!!! THE HORROR!!! Did we wait too long? Had opportunity tapped me on the shoulder only to be turned away one too many times and now had tap danced away to parts unknown???

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

But, we persevered. We drove to another Carls Jr. This one had colorful inviting advertisements for this crazy concoction posted all over the place. So we each got one.

Oh yeah. It delivered.

Creamy vanilla milkshake. Crunchy cookies with that slightly waxy frosting. Little nibbly crunches of the candy balls to contrast all the smoothness. Creamy whipped cream topping it all off. First it is easy enough to slurp it up through the straw. But then, OH YES THEN, you work you way toward the bottom of the cup and find lots of cookies like buried treasure. They clog your straw and so, trying to savor the moments one by delicious one you STAB at the cookies and they push their way into your straw and you suck them out the way that all adventurous souls suck the marrow of life from the bone.

Oh yes, yes you do.

Go forth.

Embrace the milkshake

Experience the Circus of Life my friend

Live it to the fullest--- one never knows when the circus will end and once more you are back to the diet cokes of life.

At least until they bring back Captn Crunch Shakes!

I'm Sorry.......

Geeezers, I apologize for that earlier post. Apparently blogging on one's Blackberry doesn't make for an easy read.
Mea Culpa...... Lo Siento

random thoughts

Okay I am posting this from my new blackberry. How weird is that?monica and the girls have been in utah since wednesday. I am lonely. I forgot how to live alone. Tonight I am going to dinner with my favorite daughter-in-law. Maybe afterwards we will get one of those animal cookie milkshakes. Oh yeah. It seems as those all of my bras are getting the underwire broken on the right side. What is with that? And what do u do about it? Toss them? Let one side hang low? What do you do? Last night I stopped on my stairway to give yvette some special attention. Yvette is my kitty who had licked off about half of her fur. She is looking so much better now so I was telling her what a pretty girl she is and how proud I am of her for stopping the licking and giving pets and using my silly baby voice. I start hearing this voice. I thought. OMG YVETTE CAN TALK!!!! The. I thought maybe I left the tv on. Then I realize that what I am hearing is "critical care how can I help you? Hello? Hello???". Yeah I leaned over and my phone dailed monicas work number and they heard my crazy cat lady talk. Perfect. Let's see what else? I got an 82, 92, 92 on my three spanish tests. Yes I am proud of myself. Well, I need to get back to work, what plans do you have for the weekend?