It is Day 3 since I realized my underwear is missing.
Exactly how long they have been gone I cannot say. I would estimate that the last time I can say with confidence that I saw them is when I put them in the dryer approximately 6 days ago.
This has been difficult to speak of, because I am shy and demure and using coarse language like "underwear" offends my ladylikeness and so I will refer to them henceforth as "Hedgehogs".
I am not sure that you people appreciate the gravity of this situation. Perhaps you believe that this is some sort of joke or a feeble attempt grab attention. Maybe you think this is a HOAX?
THIS IS NO HOAX, PEOPLE!!!! MY HEDGEHOGS ARE GONE!!
To be specific, not all my Hedgehogs are gone. Only my BEST Hedgehogs were taken. My work Hedgehogs. My Church Hedgehogs. My Date Hedgehogs. (HAHAHA AS IF I HAVE ANY OF THOSE!!) My sleeping Hedgehogs are safe and sound.
Perhaps you think they are somewhere around the house. WELL THEY AREN'T Ask everyone who lives with me-- and some guests who happened to wander into the house when I was rampaging on about it-- ask them how many times I have asked them if they have seen my Hedgehogs. I have asked nicely for someone to anonymously return my Hedgehogs (no questions asked) I have offered rewards for the safe return of my Hedgehogs. Nothing. And now I am worried that Becca's friends might think I am weird. (Nahhhh)
So here are some theories about what has happened:
THE PANTY GREMLIN POSTULATE:
My Cousin Susie has suggested that my Hedgehogs were snagged by a Panty Gremlin. Of all the people I know I would trust that sort of information coming from her as she is the most concerned with the Gaelic roots of our family. Let me add that she comes by this genetically as one of the Strong Intuitive Ryon Women; Of the five generations descended from my Great Grandmother The Senior Lelian Ryon Wood there are 8 male children and over 25 Female offspring. I am hoping Susie will be forthcoming with more information and possibly clues about bartering with the Gremlins for my Hedgehogs. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Gremlins And my Female Relatives
THE ALIEN ANALYSIS
Could be aliens. Not the classic "Grays" who are from the planet Analprobia but the much more interesting Amazonia culture from the planet Rubenescka. The theory here is that these aliens have come to look for their Queen or at least viable DNA for cloning. It is not hard to deduce that those aliens may have sought me out as a perfect combination of physical beauty, off the charts IQ, grace and elegance etc.... TOO BAD FOR THEM---- they will find no DNA on that Hedgehog as it was already cleaned and disinfected. Perhaps they can use it in their Wax Museum.
THE FELINE PHILOSPHY:
A few people have proported that my sisters (many) cats may have obsconded with my Hedgehogs. While that is certainly not impossible it seems somewhat unlikely. Sure I can see Layla wearing one or two pairs on her head--- heck we all remember the Great Kleptomania Episode of 2012--- but this was a whole basket of Hedgehogs. Where would she put them?
THE POLAR VORTEX:
Nope, that doesn't make any sense at all but I love the sound of it.
THE TIME TRAVEL PARADOX:
In this scenario someone from the future comes back into the past (approximately 1-2-14) and takes my Hedgehogs for a Very Important Reason. This person could be Marty McFly, a Looper, A Terminator or even a later version of my own self. It is ridiculous to think that the Hedgehogs themselves are relevant to this as it is far more likely that the disapearnce would trigger a chain reaction of events that causes or eliminates a Very Important Event. For example-- if I were not missing my Hedgehogs I would not have gone into a store to buy new ones yesterday thereby allowing me to be driving on the 99 Freeway approximately 36 minutes sooner at which time a horrible accident involving a cattle transporter and a flock of seagulls was to have occurred at which time I would have died thereby depriving the world of my New York Times best seller autobiographical book that is to be written and published in the future entitled "Why Am I This Way; The True Life Story of the Queen of Rubeneska". But since I DID go in that store yesterday because my Hedgehogs WERE missing I dodged that metaphorical bullet and now I will live to write that book. Unless that happens in a parallel universe that branched off yesterday.
THE MOST BORING BLAND UNLIKELY HYPOTHESIS:
For some unknown reason I put my Hedgehogs near or on the pile of items going to Goodwill and they accidently got donated.
This is the most terrifying of all the theories and the one that keeps waking me up in the night. Am I going crazy? Like REAL crazy not my usual fun kind of crazy?
THAT is Scary!