I am going to turn 50 years old this year.
(Let me pause for a moment while you pick yourselves up off the floor)
I don't know how I feel about that.
That is to say I know how I feel about a great many things but there is no consensus of opinion.
I don't feel that old though I know I look that old and certainly my body feels that old
But my mind is angry at being that age
Because, in many ways, I am just now getting to the point of appreciating my mind and I am angry that I wasted so much time!
I am learning so much about myself that would have been so handy to know years ago.
Like what it means to be The Grown Up One
Lately I feel like I have assumed the mantle of The Grown Up One
I know it has been coming for awhile as my dad has aged. Not to say that he isn't still capable of most everything but that the invisible burden that has to be carried by someone is settling less and less on his shoulders and more on mine.
I wonder if it isn't an intuitive part of human nature that this falls most naturally to the oldest child. A chicken and egg thing--- oldest child syndrome. Do we tend to be the responsible, pragmatic control freaks because we arrived first or did we somehow push to the first in line because we already possessed those qualities.
Or is it thusly that God in His infinitive wisdom (metaphorically) sits in His pre-utero laboratory amidst rows upon rows of brightly colored dna and picks and chooses who will receive what and in which quantities and then sits back to see how it all plays out. I think this must be so because I am so different from my sister.... The Grown Up One In Waiting. This position is slightly under that of the Grown Up One but not in the same direct lineage as the Grown Up One To Be (of the next generation). The Waiting One is slightly askew. In our case she is the one possessed of All Medical Knowledge and Aptitude. And I got absolutely none. She can go inside a doctor's office or hospital without feeling faint. She can see a needle and not feel the room spinning. She can say all those really hard words like Ekocardiographic-x-p-alidoious. And she even explained to me once that a CAT scan does not require the use of felines. Who Knew?
I say that this seems to fall naturally because I do see the exceptions all around me. Namely my mother who is neither pragmatic nor controlling (except for the occasional dust particle) but we do have to make allowances for the emotionally weak (ie: The Whack-a-doodle Syndrome).
I am not really liking my new role as it has truly and suddenly thrust me into the role of Person In Charge Of Where Grandma Is Going To Live Out Her Remaining Days
I keep looking around (figuratively of course since looking around literally would result in bored looks from various felines) to see who is the one that seems to think I am old enough for this responsibility. Isn't there always someone older? Wiser? More experienced? More capable? Has it really and truly come down to ME? Do we never see that eventually we must become that person from attrition if for no other reason? It is because I am so truly at odds between the person I appear to be on the outside and the person I truly am inside my own head? Not to say that I am farcical or hypocritical. Not on purpose anyhow and do these things not require intent by definition? No it is more the defensive posturing I project that makes me seem to be more grown up than I feel inside.
Or maybe none of us are The Grown Up Ones
Maybe we are all playing dress up!