Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Blind Leading The Blinds

So I have a cat.  He is an indoor cat because when his sister got murdered and left across the street I decided he would have to pay the price and live inside the house.  He misses going outdoors.  He sits in the window sill and dreams of bygone days.... chasing birdies, rolling in the dust, nibbling on the grass.  He has wrecked the mini blinds in my bedroom because he cannot lift the edge or go in by the side like a normal cat.  No--- he feels a need to squeeze his Buddah-like torso between the slats, leaving my window a mess.  And should it be dark outside and lit up from within.... well, there are some things too scary to detail here. 
On Sunday I finally got around to buying some vertical blinds.  My sister and I went to Lowes.  If there is one thing scarier than the phrase "Chandra and I went to Lowes" it is that one "My sister and I went to Lowes"  We headed straight for the window covering department for fear we might find other enticing home improvement projects to distract us.  We stood there and tried to look as if we knew what we were doing.  I had measured the windows so we were off to a good start.  But many things were puzzling;  Why are all the slats 84" long?  Why not have shorter ones so people aren't wasting so much material?  Why don't they state on the box how many slats you need to buy?  Since they needed 15 Why do the boxes come in sets of 13?  Is this yet another example of the Hot Dog vs Bun conspiracy?  Why are all the top rail things WHITE but all the slats ALABASTER (off white)?  Monica and I debate these, and other questions, and decided to ask an employee.  First though we had to discuss how I knew that the slats did not come with the top thingie (this was actually stated on the box-- in 3 different languages too!)  We had decided we needed two sets of top hanging thingies and 3 boxes of slats.  This was confirmed by the employee.  We were very proud of ourselves.
Then she asked how we were going to get the boxes home.  Well duh, in my car.  My not so big car.  (I often forget this part of purchasing items just ask my son) We spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how to get the seats to fold down for trunk access and finally figured it along with a few other things I didn't know my car could do. 
We got it home and read the instructions that promised, very clearly and in 3 different languages, EASY INSTALLATION IN 15 MINUTES!
15 minutes?  On what planet?
15 minutes?  My big hairy toes!
I got started taking the old blinds down and just as I was about finished my Pancreas decided that it didn't want to do this today and so it shot a load of insulin into my bloodstream causing my blood glucose to plummet.  I could tell because suddenly I felt like I was in Target.  So I went downstairs and had a snack and rested until I felt better and then I didn't want to do it anymore.  But I thought "NO 'MEH' Pancreas, YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS BATTLE!" and a went upstairs, climbed back up on my bed and started working on the blinds again.  But not before I got whacked in the head by my ceiling fan.  Nowhere in the instructions did it say to turn off my ceiling fan!  Who Knew?  To make a very long story shorter, 15 minutes was a GROSS UNDERESTIMATE.  Gross, I tell you!  And the package did not have 'everything we needed" because it did not contain a hammer, nails and a hot glue gun.  Or spackle to cover up a few extra holes.
But now my kitty can push his pink little nose through the blinds and crawl up into my window sill and dream of birdies and mousies and days gone by..... 
My neighbors will just have to find other forms of entertainment!

1 comment:

JC said...

I can just imagine all of that. What we do for our cats. I already have those blinds for my Purr Gang. Been there and done all of that only I have a sort of mini van so the long things one always buys at those stores, fits.