When Zombies Eat Your Cooler

If you are one of my Facebook friends you know that Saturday I was incarcerated   trapped  imprisoned  tied up to a chair   stuck in a movie theater when there was a power outage.  While waiting to figure out how long it would be before they offered us free tickets (20 minutes as it turns out) I postulated via Facebook that it was possible that the Zombie Apocalypse was taking place outside. 
That is how these things work, you know. 
Not that I am a big fan of scary movies, mind you, I just believe in being prepared.  So my sister and I sat there for quite some time and goofed off;  the air conditioning was working, the lights were on, we had snacks and no where we needed to be.  Plus, there were those Zombies out there.  Eventually they re-booted the movie and when we walked out we got free passes for next time.  When we opened the doors and exited the building there wasn't a zombie to be seen.  And so we figured we had dodged the bullet.

Au contrair, mon ami!

These are crafty zombies.  They had distracted me with the power outage just long enough to locate my rental property, climb on the roof, chew through the water line and disapeer without leaving nary a trace of their dastardly deed.

Until my daughter in law found this on the guest bathroom ceiling.

My son, who is ever so handy, popped the water bubble and cut out part of the ceiling so he could see what was going on.

What was going on was water damage caused by leakage from the water line that feeds the evaporative cooler on the roof.  If you are not familiar with an evaporative cooler I will explain that in a bit.

This is just terrific news because if there is anything better than waiting 4 weeks to find out if you had a heart attack it is finding out that your rental property has major property damage.

So I called my insurance claims department to file a claim today.

This is basically how it went:

Ring ring.... hold hold....explain explain... transfer.... hold hold...explain explain... transfer..... hold...explain...transfer.......ring ring...... "Ah Namaste!  What can Abu do to help your unfortunate situation?" 
Not really.  His name was Mike

Me:  I need to file a homeowners claim
Mike:  Great I will be ectastic to assist you in any possible way I can as long as it doesn't involve finding out if you had a heart attack!
Me:  Okay, so my roof has water damage
Mike:  Yes we are getting a lot of calls today like that, how much rain did you get?
Me:  No rain.  I am in Southern California
Mike:  I am sorry, miss, but Hurricane Irene did not pass through Southern California
Me:  No, I know that.  It was my swamp cooler
Mike:  Your what?
Me:  My swamp cooler--- my evaporative cooler.  The water line was chewed through by zombies on saturday while I was detained in a movie theater and now my ceiling is threatening to fall.
Mike:  I am sorry, can you please explain this?
Me:  We were watching a movie and everything went black and so then my sister and I sat there for awhile because it was cool and we had snacks and we were figuring that they would give us free passes eventually if we sat there long enough...........
Mike:  Not the movie, I meant the Swamp Thing
Me:  Oh sorry....  Okay  an evaporative cooler (also called a swamp cooler) is a unit that can sit on your roof or the side of your house.  There are straw pads on three sides.  (about this time I find myself speaking with a southern twang).  Water is pumped into the bottom of the unit where a pump sucks it up and deposits it on the top of the pads where it trickles down causing the air that is generated with a big hamster wheel to become cool and forced into the house.
Mike:  Are you Sh**ting me?
Me:  No.... I am not.  
Mike:  And you have this big old thing on your roof?
Me:  Yes
Mike:  This is a trailer, right?  In a trailer park?
Me:  We prefer to call them 'Mobile Homes' and my last one did have a swamp cooler, but no this one is on a house.
Mike:  Well, dammit now I have heard it all.
Me:  Can we get on with this, my fried alligator meat is getting done and you gotta eat that right out of the bacon grease or it just isn't the same.
Mike:  Okay, well all of our agents have been sent to the East Coast to handle claims caused by Non-Zombie related acts of nature.  I will have the local claims adjuster give you a call when they get back in town.  It should be about the same amount of time you have been waiting to find out if you had a heart attack.  In other words, in about a month we will tell you we lost your claim and you will have to start all over again.
Me:  Awesome

Mike:  I do need to know-- it is safe for your family to remain in the house?
Me:  That depends.... what are you planning to do about those ZOMBIES???