Huzzah!! Now that it has been determined that I did not have a silent heart attack I can get back to the exercise program!!! I had re-joined the local YMCA prior to the "PSYCHE! WE WERE JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE HEART ATTACK" medical appointment and once I was cleared I got right back over there to celebrate! I decided that I am going to make good use of all my recent REALITY CHECKS about my health and experiment with a variety of new experiences.
The schedule listed a Yoda class that was to take place at 6:00pm that evening. That sounded great because I always jump at the chance to hone my Jedi Master skills. These are highly prized on my home planet, Vega. I made you a diagram of the YMCA building:
As you come in the front entrance the YODA room(aka Hippopotamus Excersie Enclosure) is directly to your left. Since the YMCA is not just about exercise but also about entertainment, the rooms are fully visable with floor to ceiling windows and a lounge area with bistro tables and comfy chairs for your viewing pleasure. In the equipment room (aka the Serengeti Treadmill Jungle) chocolate chip cookies are hung just of out reach prompting runners to go faster and faster trying to catch the elusive treat! To your right is the Pool Area (aka Marine Mammal Habitat) where you can watch whale-like creatures swim back and forth while listening to CDs of Whale Songs.
Back to my Yoda class. I could see right away that I have very little control over my body. This is not my fault. The Feng Shui in the room was way off and my chi was disturbed. The room was darkened so the people in the viewing area could see better and there was a CD playing of waves crashing on the beach which only served to make me need to go to the restroom. Occasionally a lone judgemental seagul cry broke the serenity. These were very rude seagulls, as they so often tend to be. This one kept screeching "FAT" "MAN HATER" "FART" and other less nice things. I sat with legs folded..... hands relaxed to my sides...... cleared my mind......And then I heard him. It was Yoda.... "use the Force, LeAnn.... The Force...... " Slowly I was able to lift first one leg... then the other leg.... then I was able to levitate---- the cookies from the excerise room into my gym bag for later. The force is so handy.
The instructor continued in a low, calm voice...... calm.....soothing....child pose.....extended child pose.....no judgment.....just happiness.....empty your mind.......love your body......deep cleansing breath.....sundial pose.......inhale as you bring your arms in........exhale as you bring your arms down into heart pose.....inhale.....exhale....inhale....exhale.....feel the room spinning..... inhale the cookie....exhale the cookie breath.....now stand with your legs straight and your back straight and your shoulders back with energy but be relaxed at the same time.....lean over placing your palms flat on the floor... do not think about farting.....now that you have that pose lift your right leg until it is perpindicular to your back and hold.......keeping your palms flat on the floor take your other leg and place your pinkie toe in your right nostril.... keeping your hands on the floor focus on your left earlob... focus..... focus..... now lift your hands to the sun.... do not fall over.... do not fart.....good, good.... now clear your mind.... breathe... float gently to the floor... yes.....yeesssssss, assume the corpse pose.... slow your breathing..... more... more..... now stop breathing entirely....good.... now slow your heart.... slow.....slower.......now stop your heart altogether... goood.... don't you feel relaxed? Walk into the Force..... become one with the light.....
See You Next Time!!!