Sunday, July 17, 2011

Wayne Guest Blogs!!

Dear Readers;   As I have told you before, for all the things that I share with you about my family and friends there are many many more things that I do not share.  I ask permission to share.  Which goes to show you the extent of dork-it-tude that I live with.  So when I heard that my very good friend (sadly without benefits had broken his foot I knew I needed to blog about it.  And so I asked for permission.  No answer.  Then I politely asked his son to get pictures.  He cyber-laughed... nervously...  So I finally told him that he could write his own story and tell it his way... So here it is peeps.
I give you W.R.R. and the Story Of His Broken Foot:

"I’m not a fundamentally funny person like the regular author of this blog, but I am stupid and I don’t mind telling you about it. I guess that’s Geeez asked me to guest blog about my recent tragedy. The way I see it is that either I tell you, or Geeez will mine my embarrassment for laughs and blog hits. I could put link after link here to prove my point, but why contribute to the insanity by helping you find the story of her sister’s recent toilet paper trail, or her telling of said sister’s alleged difficulty navigating anywhere, or her niece’s [fill in the blank]. Regular Geeezers know what I’m talking about and understand why I decided to tell my story here first.

I’m not good with long tails so I decided to tell it this way:



Admittedly, that’s not really my foot. This is my foot. Prepare yourself: this is really gross but Geeez begged me for it. When I wouldn’t take the picture she pestered my son relentlessly on Facebook to get her a picture even if it meant villainy.

Now that you’ve been warned, here it is, Frankenfooter:

I would like to remind you all that I only mock those that I love.  I would like to but the ugly truth is that I am an equal opportunity mocker.  I will mock those I love plus anyone I see in public plus my cats plus things I hear about plus things that only exist in my own mind.
First, I have to mock Wayne.
Incidently I do love Wayne.  Deeply and truly.  He is my oldest friend (not chronologically though he is a week older than I) which goes to show the deepth of mental shakiness on his part.
This phrase made me lol: "I am not good with long tails"  ROFLOL   Are you good with little short tails like a boxer puppy has?  How about little cotton tails?  DID YOU MEAN "TALES"????   And he is a college graduate people.  heh
I love the fact that there are people in my life to remind me that they are equally dorky.  Yes I can spend 20 minutes searching for my cell phone while I am talking on it but at least when I broke my leg it was a fall in the shower like normal people.  Not falling off a 2" high sidewalk.
So now that I let him tell his own story let me share the story that I might have told had I been that kind of friend.
Alternate Story #1:   Giant earthquake hits the Bay Area.  Ordinary hero Wayne is out walking in the park contemplating life when the shaker hits.  He sees a little baby bunny (with a short little tail because remember he isn't good with long tails) is hopping perilously close to the edge of a crevasse that has opened up!!!   Fire and brimestone are shooting out of the crevasse (because it is the earths very core which has been exposed) (yeah it is one very bad earthquake- but not The Big One.  That one is still coming)  His brilliant mind makes the intricate calculations in an instant.  Baby Bunny + Lava Spewing Crevasse =  OMG DEAD BABY BUNNY!!!!  (insert scary music here).   And so he leaps across the sidewalk and grabs the bunny just as it was toppling over the side.  The bunny hops safely away.  But Wayne is crippled.
Alternate Story #2:  Alien Spacecraft hovers over the Bay Area.  Ordinary hero Wayne is putting out the trash in his back yard.  Because even when there are aliens hovering overhead civilisation must be upheld-- the trash still has to go out dammit!   He sees a stray dog rooting in his neighbors can.  The dogs owners have left it behind when they fled the city.  They justify this decision because everyone knows that aliens eat humans, not dogs, right?  Wayne sees that there is an alien Sucker-Up-Into-The-Alien-Spacecraft-Ray scanning the area and heading right for the dog.  Wayne does the math:   Doggie + Sucker Ray = Rover Gets Anal Probbed.   Math isn't really Waynes strong suit and in his adrenaline flooded brain he forgets that aliens don't suck up dogs.  But he forgot that and dives for the dog and grabs it just nano-seconds before the Sucker Upper Ray gets him.  As he falls with the squirming pup in his arms the dogs paw tromps right on his foot breaking it badly.   While he thinks bad words and hops on the other foot he doesn't notice that the Sucker Upper ray has happened upon him and last we see of Wayne is as he floats up to the Mother Ship.
Alternate Story #3:  Wayne is walking through the foyer of his office building when two men in black suits and sunglasses come up behind him, stick a gun in his ribs and order him to act normally and start for the elevators.  Once inside the elevator the shorter of the two, the one without the gun, pushes a button.  An unlabeled button-- and the elevator starts moving-- downward.   After an interminable time the elevator shudders to a stop, the doors open, and Wayne is ushered down a brightly lit corridor to a windowless room.  He is strapped into a armless chair and a bright light is turned on, blinding him to the identity of his kidnappers who leave their sunglasses on none the less.  Feigning a bravado he didnt feel Wayne looks him in the eye and demands an explanation.  "I demand an explanation!!" he says.  "Don't look stupid, you know why you are here!" short guy counters.  Clearly he is the brains of the partnership.  "I don't!" says Wayne "I really am stupid!  I swear!"  Shorty raises back his hand to strike our hero and just at that instant Wayne shoots out his foot, which he worked free, and catches him square in the jaw.  The pain from his broken foot explodes all the way up his body, but he puts up one hell of a fight.  Wayne gets loose, leaves the unconscious hoodlums in a heap, grabs the elevator up to his floor and limps to his desk.  He hasn't broken a sweat and he is still 7 minutes early for work.

Frankenfooter, indeed.


Kym said... are too funny! Sorry about the foot Wayne!

Permberly said...

You guys scare me with your overloaded imagination. I am so plain vanilla. Plus I thought he purposefully misspelled tail because of some inside joke. I think it is time for this blonde to go platinum. It's the only way to explain my life.

Chris said...

Wayne is now called Hobbles, I hope I spelled that right.