I am aware that some of you, my dear readers, are faint of heart. Delicate flowers. Sensitive. And so, in the interest of you comfort as you read today I will substitute the word 'kumquat' for canine feces.
A few nights ago Chandra and I took Sam to the dog park to get some ex....ex...exer......exer...... movement in a forward direction causing our muscles to move. About 15 feet into the park Sam starts sniffing around the grass and walking in circles and I have that moment of panic and realization that he has a dirty deed in mind.
In a split second I weigh my options:
A) I drop the leash and casually walk away. Then I run to my car and peel out of there. I drive home and tell the family that Sam went to live on a farm in the country.
B) I hold up the leash and shout "DID SOMEONE LOSE THEIR DOG?"
C) Go have Chandra get some kumquat bags that the City of Lancaster has so thoughtfully provided every few 100 yards around the park along with a sign that says "Be A Responsible Dog Owner-- Pick Up Their Kumquat".
Meanwhile Sam has commenced with kumquat horror. He is walking in an elliptical shape (not a circle) dropping kumquats as he walks along every 6-8 inches. I do not understand why he does this. Does he try to set the stage so he can walk away afterwards having confused people around him into not being sure who's dog it came from? Is he just so impressed with himself that he needs to be able to see what he has done? I don't know. What I do know is when he is finished and sitting there looking innocent and I am standing there still weighing my options and Chandra is not quite back with the kumquat bag, a woman walks right by me and loudly proclaims " Aw cain't stand it when peoples let their dayum dogs do their bidness and don't take care of it!" And I was like "Did she really just say that to me while I am standing right here awaiting the arrival of my kumquat baggie?" YES, SHE REALLY DID! So I said to her "I am going to take care of it in a minute when my friend brings me a kumquat baggie. I stayed here so no one would step in the kumquat!" Which is mostly true. It is 87% true. Because there was still 11% of me that wanted to choose option B and 2% that was yet undecided. But I didn't. I cleaned up the yucky kumquat and we started off on our walk.
10 minutes later Sam starts the whole process over again. Sniff Sniff Circle Circle Sniff Ellipse... drop a kumquat or 5. I was like "OH NO YOU DID NOT DO THAT AGAIN!!" And Sam just looked up at me and said "What?" Then he looks over at the kumquats and says "Dang, someone just dropped a kumquat right where I was standing a minute ago!" So I get some kumquat baggies and clean up. AGAIN. Where is all this kumquat coming from? Has he been saving it? What the heck?
We finish 2 laps. Guess what Sam starts doing? Well first he was sitting down and panting because he isn't any more used to this kind of ex....e...exer.....ex... walking than we are. But then.... sniff snifff..... circle circle.... kumquat...kumquat.
I became a tornado of anger. A big one. Not one of those wimpy Micro-Bursts of anger. I mean a full blown level 4 on the Richter scale ** tornado. I start to lift up my hand with the leash in it and shout "WHOSE KUQUATTY DOG IS THIS!!!!" when Chandra gives me this look like she would hate me forever if I walked off, ran to my car and left Sam with her. And Sam? He just looked up at me with those sweet, brown puppy dog eyes and said "What?"
* Yes I am still mocking Wayne. Last time I swear. Probably.
** Yes, I know that tornados are not rated on the Richter scale. It was a joke people. A joke. Hurricanes are rated with the Richter scale.