But Then.....

A challenge was issued to me to follow up on my 'What If' Blog, and so here you go....


Everything that a computer does is based on one basic concept:
On or Off
Yes or No
0 or 1
It is very black or white, really:
If 'A' then 'B'
If 'Such and Such' is true, then you hop over 'Here'
If 'Such and Such is not true, then you hop over 'There'
Then from 'Here' or 'There' you go on to repeat the same process
And you hop
And you hop again
And again
And again
Until the conclusion is reached.  The solution.  The Only Solution
There are no 'What Ifs' with computers

I wish my brain worked that way:  just one answer.  The only true answer. No 'What Ifs'.  No 'If Onlys' 
It would be easy if my brain worked like a computer
The world works that way: whatever happened, happened. 
It is only in my head that I start to extrapolate other resolutions.  Other paths that I might have taken and where they might lead. 
If my brain were a computer there would be no disquieting sense that I screwed up somewhere along the line and if I could just trace my steps I might fix everything.  Get back to where I am supposed to be.  The life I was supposed to have.
There would be no confusion over lost opportunities.  No sense of loss for something that never happened.  No longing for what might have been.  No feeling that I have been robbed of something that was rightfully mine. 
The world would be easy if my brain worked like a computer.
But it does not.
It runs amok in the dark and quiet places.  It plays out all the endless possibilities. 
Yes, this happened so that happened.  But this is what was supposed to happen to that is what should have happened.  And if I had done this instead of that see how perfect my life would be.  See how I would have gotten what I truly deserved?

But Then.....
Who would I be if I could go back to all those crossroads and make the different choice.
I would not be me, that is for certain.  Because, as they say, I am the sum total of all my experiences regardless of the 'rightness'.  Everything that has happened has taken me here.  Here must be where I am supposed to be, right?
Here is not such a bad place.  Me is a pretty great person for the most part.
If it were not for the painful struggles I would probably not rely on my faith in God for my strength and so would miss out on one of the great joys of my life.  I would probably be less compassionate as my issues have helped me learn empathy and mercy for other people.  I would probably be less strong as what has not killed me really has made me stronger.
I guess I really am where I am supposed to be.  There isn't any guarantee that life would be better or that I would be happier.

The less my brain travels in alternate universes the better.
I believe I will try to think a little bit more like a computer

0100110001100101010000010110111001101110001000000
10001100110010101101110011011100110010101110010

(my name in binary code)