Sunday, July 27, 2014

Dating vs Selling Your House

How is selling your house like internet dating?
Well it is a LOT like internet dating and I will tell you how:

1)     Size DOES matter.  Calling your house 'cozy' is like characterizing yourself as Large Boned when you weigh 300 lbs.  CoughBrontasauruscough   And I have my thoughts on the people that are actually attracted to plus sized women.    EW    You have issues dude coughmommycough

2)     It IS personal when they look at your house / online profile and are not attracted to it.  It IS a rejection.  When someone says there isn't chemistry it is the same as saying "Oh, A SWAMP Cooler.  Buh Bye"  (And this actually happened the other day.  Walked in.... walked out)

3)     Bringing your portfolio circle graphs and bar charts and statistics about how a house in this market really must sell within 30 days or you are in trouble is really saying  Even I don't believe this hype and you are going to make me super irritated if you call me in 17 days and ask if I am really aggressively marketing your house.  It is like putting in your profile that you love the outdoors I like to look outside when I am sitting on the couch reading but the last time I went camping was THE LAST TIME I WENT CAMPING.  "I only eat healthy"  I only eat healthy COWS.   "I love Science Fiction Movies"  Well duh, who doesn't love sci fi  That one doesn't count.   

4) Oh, of COURSE my house always looks like this  I have cleaned this STUPID house EVERY morning on the off chance you MIGHT come by and look at it but I also got rid of 24% of my stuff in a yard sale, Threw away 17% of my furniture and 19% is in my garage or someone elses house so no, we usually DO have something to sit on but not NOW.  When I wake up in the morning, the birds perch on my finger and chirp a singy song of happiness to greet the day.  My hair, though just the tiniest bit sleep tousled looks perfect in a snap and my skin and eyelashes actually DO look this way naturally  I don't need to shave and pluck a few chin hairs and the full face CPAP mask I wear so I won't die in my sleep is invisible and hardly makes my hair stand up on end at all!  And the mask doesn't leave lines, no of course not!  

5)  If you look at my house one time and you never call again, I won't feel rejected.
If you get a look at what I look like after having amazing conversations and then change your phone number, I won't feel rejected.

You know, now that I think about it, putting my house up for sale is actually a LOT more fun than dating be it internet or whatever else goes on these days.
I mean, this is the second time in 10 years I tried to sell my house but it has been almost 20 years since my last date and almost 17 since I tried to meet someone online.

My house and I are feeling rejected.

1 comment:

ltlrags said...

At least with online dating the neighbors don't come by just to "see what you've done to the place and figure what I could go for if I put myself on the market" which is totally what I do, btw.

I haven't gotten the low down on why you're selling. I'll try to call you tonight and hope you're not hiding in the closet eavesdropping on the looky-loos.