Sunday, May 5, 2013

I ran away from home this weekend
To the beach of course.  It is my happy place
There is something about sitting and watching the waves roll in or crash on the shore that is so calming to me.  It is like the cool breeze blows through my ears and cleans out the gunk in my brain in a way I can't seem to do at home.
At home I have so many things gunking up my mind.  Things I try to control and fix.  People I try to make happy.  My cats who just can't seem to behave. 
I feel guilty when I lock myself away and try to relax and I feel resentful when I get it in my head that the burden rests on me to make everything right.  And failure when I can't.
But being away gives me that chance to just let it go for just a little while.
Does everyone else feel like this or is it just me?  Do you all feel frustrated and exhausted?  Do you feel like no matter how hard you try it is never enough or never quite right?  Does it weigh heavy on your heart when someone who you love is unhappy with you or can you let it go? 
I don't even really like to be 'real' here on this blog which is me talking to myself really.  I want to set aside the stuff going on and focus on the light and the happy.
There must be a balance between dumping everything here that is gunk and only sharing the funny.   I mean,  do I perpetuate some kind of facade that someone as average and normal as I has a carefree happy life and that if you do not there is something horribly wrong with you?  I know I do that.  I look at the people around me and I assume that they have uncomplicated lives and are happy and think that I can't possibly let anyone know how mine is not because to admit how "off" I am would leave me rejected.
I wish I could bring my beach home with me.  I wish I could bring the "me" that I am when I am here home with me.  I will try in a few minutes when I leave this behind me and head for home but I feel sad that I have to do that.   It felt so good.
So next time I will write about the surfers I saw or the conversations I over heard or how I watched a Animal Planet Cat From Hell marathon that was so enlightening because I really love my cats.  Or maybe I will write about how badly I feel about my weight or how I don't know how to grandparent the best way. 
But that is for next time.
For now, have I told you lately that I love you all and hope that you have something in your lives that helps you regroup and refresh.

2 comments:

Sheila Peterson said...

I love the beach! While Tahoe was my getaway place at home, the ocean is a close second for me. Everyone needs that. You have A LOT going on and deserve to take some "me time". You have to.

ltlrags said...

You know that you're not alone in wishing you could make others happy, and I have been at that place where I just wanted to escape from everything in my life. I'm here if you need to talk.