Cpap

Have I even mentioned that I use a CPAP machine these days?

These are machines that force you to breathe while you sleep

Because some of us just lose the will to live during the night

CPAP stands for:

Continuous Plethora of Atelectasis Pneumonics

Though sometimes it is also called

Continuous Positive Air Pressure Machine

This is opposed to a Continuous NEGATIVE Air Pressure Machine

which is also known as a Vacuum Cleaner

 

As long as I have to sleep with a mask sealed to my face and I

am tethered to the machine by a long plastic tube I am

determined to be entertained. 

 

For example:

 

The Forever Fart

If the mask isn't completely sealed on my skin the air can

escape and this makes a farting sound.  This is cool!

And the very best part is that it can go on indefinitely

because so long as the electricity holds out and I don't re-seal the mask,

the air keeps flowing and the farts keep on going

 

The Air Tunnel

I have to keep my tongue pressed to the roof of my mouth so the air

goes down my throat and into my lungs.  If I relax my tongue the air

flows through my nose and into my mouth and if I open my

mouth it shoots out.  I am always amazed at how forceful the

air is when I do this.  It makes me wonder why my lungs don't

just explode.  Or maybe they will.  Tonight.

 

The Tent

Now I know some of you will be especially jealous of this one.

You know how sometimes you have a really bad day

(or decade) and you just want to get into bed and put the

covers over your head and rock back and forth but

after awhile the air gets really hot and you have to decide

if you want to die from carbon monoxide poisoning?
WELL I DON'T

Because when you wear a CPAP and you cover your head

you still get fresh air.  BOOYAH!

You can stay there indefinitely.

This is my goal in life.

Here is a picture of me under the covers.