Sunday, April 28, 2013


Have I even mentioned that I use a CPAP machine these days?
These are machines that force you to breathe while you sleep
Because some of us just lose the will to live during the night
CPAP stands for:
Continuous Plethora of Atelectasis Pneumonics
Though sometimes it is also called
Continuous Positive Air Pressure Machine
This is opposed to a Continuous NEGATIVE Air Pressure Machine
which is also known as a Vacuum Cleaner
As long as I have to sleep with a mask sealed to my face and I
am tethered to the machine by a long plastic tube I am
determined to be entertained. 
For example:
The Forever Fart
If the mask isn't completely sealed on my skin the air can
escape and this makes a farting sound.  This is cool!
And the very best part is that it can go on indefinitely
because so long as the electricity holds out and I don't re-seal the mask,
the air keeps flowing and the farts keep on going
The Air Tunnel
I have to keep my tongue pressed to the roof of my mouth so the air
goes down my throat and into my lungs.  If I relax my tongue the air
flows through my nose and into my mouth and if I open my
mouth it shoots out.  I am always amazed at how forceful the
air is when I do this.  It makes me wonder why my lungs don't
just explode.  Or maybe they will.  Tonight.
The Tent
Now I know some of you will be especially jealous of this one.
You know how sometimes you have a really bad day
(or decade) and you just want to get into bed and put the
covers over your head and rock back and forth but
after awhile the air gets really hot and you have to decide
if you want to die from carbon monoxide poisoning?
Because when you wear a CPAP and you cover your head
you still get fresh air.  BOOYAH!
You can stay there indefinitely.
This is my goal in life.
Here is a picture of me under the covers.