Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Disgust

Friends, and I do consider you my most trusted friends, I want to share with you my struggles with my body.
I have a love / hate relationship with food-- though this simple statement hardly even begins to describe the depth of this lifelong dance.
I hate what I look like
I hate what I feel like
I don't ever really look at myself because I am always so appalled at the image in the mirror.
Lately, when I look in the mirror, I feel disconnected from the person I see. 
Me and food--- we are like that 'best friend' in Jr High. 
You know the one
Besties.  Hanging out all the time.  Trips together.  On the phone all the time or texting or face booking or whatever the media... sharing your deepest darkest. 
But all the while she is talking about you behind your back
She is moving in on the boy you had a crush on first!
Food:  It gives me a big warm hug and then it meanders on over to my butt and hangs out there.
It defines me
It betrays me because it puts up a false front to the world
And it has always been this way for me
Oh I know how to lose weight and I probably know more that most people about nutrition, but it is keeping weight off that always eludes me.
It is like paddling a canoe upstream when I am dieting.  It is constant and it is a lot of work and thought and energy and it never never becomes routine or normal.  And the minute I stop the Sisyphean (SEE BELOW FOR TODAY'S EDUCATIONAL NOTE)  struggle I gain it all back.  Always.
The worst of it is when I am really stressed out because I just can't keep up the paddling (the extra planning and shopping and cooking and THINKING) and the extra stress of not being able to relieve the stress is it's very own stress.
And so, I confess I have gained the weight back that I lost last fall and I am so disgusted with myself I can barely contain the self hatred.
But I am trying to get back up on the horse again.
Figuratively of course.  I don't eat horse nor do I actually get up on a horse.

******   As a punishment from Queen Persephone for his trickery King Sisyphus was made to roll a huge boulder up a steep hill. Before he could reach the top, however, the massive stone would always roll back down, forcing him to begin again.[5] The maddening nature of the punishment was reserved for King Sisyphus due to his hubristic belief that his cleverness surpassed that of Zeus Himself. Zeus accordingly displayed his own cleverness by consigning Sisyphus to an eternity of useless efforts and unending frustration. Thus it came to pass that pointless and/or interminable activities are sometimes described as Sisyphean

3 comments:

JC said...

I can so relate, as you already know. I had lost almost forty three years ago. Have regained all of it plus. I do not look in the mirror except to put mascara on. I haven't given up, just so tired from the constant struggle.

Also, I loved your story about the King. I did not know this. So cool to have learned something this early in the meowning.

And, I say meowning cause Meredith Ann is sitting with me and my key board is sideways due to her being here.

Meg & Quill said...

It is a struggle I have too. One day I hope to figure it out. I like the way you phrased it though. :-)

Dehydrated Vegetables said...

One day I hope to figure it out. I like the way you phrased it though Stock Market