I thought I had better check in here and see what you are all up to these days.
As you can see from the blog, I am downsizing.
There is less of me and there is less extra stuff on the blog.
I am going through a weird phase.
I can't really figure it out myself. I guess I will just see where I go.
For now let's talk about my college career.
In a few weeks I will have finished all the 30 units I needed two years ago to transfer to Cal State Bakersfield.
This is shocking to me. At the beginning of this journey it looked so unlikely I would ever get here that I am not sure now what to do about it.
I love school so I know I will keep going regardless of the goal
But do I really want to transfer and start accruing really serious debt?
Do I really want to be an accountant after all?
I feel like I have been a grown up all my life. Even as I child I was always so responsible.
Is that where I want to go as things are winding down?
Or shall I look in a different direction.....
Maybe I can count beans for a living until I die but maybe I can re-direct my energy into something that seems more interesting.
I don't know. I feel like I need to know now. Right now. Last month. What is my plan? What are the goals? What comes next and next and next after that?
And when do I live in all of this? Do I ever take a vacation? Do I ever travel?
Maybe I could be a writer.
Maybe I could pursue some actual education toward that.
Why is it that some of us are compelled to put our thoughts out there for everyone to see and feel and hear. Why do I get satisfaction from taking a thought and expressing it in letters and words and sentences and concepts and abstractions.
Why do I like to play with words.
What is it that I have to say?
What can I contribute.
These are deep thoughts on a quiet night. They are banging around in my head.
And I will send this off to you--- whomever you are. People I know. People I do not know.
And the funny thing is that the joyful part is in putting it down and sending it out regardless of what happens after that.
Is there hope for me?