Saturday, July 23, 2011

Men Are From Mars... Women Are From Venus...

Yes we all read the books.....
Men Are From Mars.... Women Are From Venus....
Humans are from Earth   
But me?

I am from Vega

Vega is the brightest star in the constellation Lyra and the 5th brightest star in the night sky.  Vega is 25 light years from Earth and is about 2.1 time the mass of your Sun, which explains why I am so much heavier than pretty much everyone I know.  That is right, it really is genetic.

It took me almost 49 years to figure it out but now that I know it really does explain a lot.   Never mind how I got here  That is a story for another day.  The important thing is that I am here now.

That is right.
I am coming out:   I am a Vegan
That is "Vay-Gun" not "Veee-gun"
Veeeguns are humans who do not shave their legs and/or armpits, wear wrinkly skirts with tie-dyed t-shirts made out of hemp, do not vaccinate their kids or their animals, wear their hair in dreadlocks and drink algae.

Like those hippies on earth, people from my home planet do not ingest animal protein of any kind.  No dairy or meat or fish or eggs.  Not even the more obscure things like crickets, dogs, sushi, meal worms, cats or humans.  (Aren't you glad about that last one?)

Because I picked up a nasty human virus that apparently damaged my pancreas and made it 'Meh' and  I am also not able to ingest other items such as sugar, honey, processed food products or oil.

We Ethnic Vegans try to have a good attitude, however, so we have a few mottos:
"Legumes are your friends"
"You will not die without chocolate"
"Nothing is more fun than exercise"
"You will not die without chocolate"
"We really hope that vegetables don't turn out to have souls"
"No you can't make tofu taste like chocolate"
"Partially hydrogenatied soybean products taste like chicken"
"Carob tastes better than chocolate"
"What happens on Vega, stays in Vega"

Earthlings, please do not fear me.  I have been living among you for a very long time.  We do not mean you any harm.
Just turn over the chocolate and no one gets hurt.

1 comment:

ltlrags said...

Sounds like you've read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy one too many times there, sister.