I am getting back with my ex-husband.
I hate cats-- I think I will get an aquarium
Chocolate leaves a bad taste in my mouth
I want another baby
I am going to homeschool Lauren
WHAT????????????????
What was that last one????
Today Lauren started the process to start Independent Study. Today I withdrew her from Desert Christian. Today we went and cleaned out her locker. Today I had to stop the car because it hit me so hard and so unexpectedly that I actually cried real tears. I didn't even know that I could do that anymore.
I didn't realize how much this was going to hurt. For the last 20 years I have willingly sacrificed to give my kids a Christian education because no trip or jewelry or tv or car or any other shiny thing was more important.
And today I failed my daughter.
Is this the Jeremiah plan God has for my life?
Is it really?
I know He is in control. I do trust Him, but is this it? Did I deviate and mess up the whole dang thing somewhere along the line? Is there an alternate Lost-style parallel universe out there where I married someone who loved me? Where my son and his wife created their marriage based on the example of intact homes? Where Lauren got raised in a two parent home like her Birthmother choose for her? Where I was able to help her enough, motivate her properly, give her the tools she needed to succeed in school?
Is this how it is supposed to be??
Because it feels like another gigantic failure.
And I don't write this so you can all tell me that I really am an awesome mom, that I am a super genius, that Fat is the New Thin, 46 is the new 25, my hair has never looked better, my breath is minty fresh, that you wish your house was as clean as mine, that you wish every single day that I had been your mom..... no, I know these things already.
I just wanted to feel sad for a little while. Let some of those tears I have built up escape.
Pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with it. (HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PULL THIS OFF???) (Do I need to buy Lauren and I some long denim skirts and prairie blouses?)
I really tried to figure out how to upload a YouTube video, but I couldn't do it.... but you really must go to this link to know how I feel right now...........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqvyBQ0PNbw
PS: If you have been trying to leave comments and can't figure it out please try again. I think I fixed the problem. And my self esteem is so shaky right now I really could use the props, lol.
8 comments:
I think I figured it out! yippie yippie, I am sorry honey, you didn't let anyone down, your just doing the best you can. I am here for ya in your court cheering you on!!! Just don't ask me to teach Math.....she'd flunk for sure......C
I knew you were having trouble & had to make a decision. I don't think I could do the home schooling thing .. how do you even do that ?
Did you look into the local High School ?
Maybe this will work for her. Lots of people do this.
As you know, I'm having trouble with my son too.
Our local High School is ok for him. Not too big not too druggie not too mean ... so far at least.
Let me know how it goes
And, you are a great Mom !!! This job is harder than I ever thought it would be. My Mom had it so easy. We were angels compared to my two kids.
I am so proud that you ladies figured out how to post comments! Yea!
I feel better about it all today... course I have to go back to her school today to do some paperwork so I might get all weepy again. Grrrr
She didn't even want to try the local high school-- that was the school my neice was going to before she decided to escape to Utah mostly because the school scared her so bad!
What type of home school program are you doing ?
LeAnn, as you know, we don't control our children's every action. Lauren has a responsibility in this too. She has her own will and unfortunately, it is not attached to a mature adult mind that knows what is best for herself. You cannot make her live her life the way you want her to. You can be the mom, guide her, punish her, be an example, be a friend when she needs one, but she will always do exactly what she wants......good or bad.
I don't know what you have been going through with her at the school, so this is news to me. You have not failed, it is just part of the journey.
I am in your court. It will be alright.
Love,
Stacy
Take the long view... your chances are so much better when you're looking at 10 years versus 1 or two. I've already decided that I have to do this with Kody. But I won't home school... that's more than even God can ask of me. You're a strong woman, but you knew that already, didn't you.
Yes I am a strong woman. That is why I think I can pull off the denim skirt / prairie blouse look.
Yep, Wayne, when you have kids that don't fit into the mold just quite the same as most of the drones it takes extra effort to figure out how to best equip them.
Maybe you could get a zoning exemption and send her to QHHS? I went there and I turned out okay!
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