"I read your blog-- but how are you really doing?"
Some of you know me IRL (In Real Life) some of you only know what I share with you on this blog. On this 'stage' I like to be light hearted and funny with a hefty side of quirky to spice things up.
And that is pretty much what I am really like. But it isn't representative of my whole life and personality. Since this is a public blog I always have my reminder angel sitting on my shoulder reminding me of how much personal information to share. Then there is the devil on my other shoulder urging me to just blab about everything. So how am I really doing? Let's talk about my diet.
When it comes to my weight I vigorously exercise.... my ability to be in denial and ignorance. I just don't really want to deal with that particular issue. I will work on the other ones but I really want to leave that one alone. I tell myself it doesn't matter what I look like because I am so far past the point of no return relationship-wise that it is a waste of time. And I also know that I am not an accurate judge of my own looks so I can't trust what I perceive is 'real' -- so I try to avoid thinking about it or looking at myself for that matter. I justify that I am so 'together' in virtually every other way that it is only human to have at least one enormous flaw. Somewhere along the line (coughchildhoodcough) I learned to rely on food to relieve stress, to reward my accomplishments, comfort me in my failures and relieve some of the lonliness. I let the feeling of being full (Really really full) equate with feeling satisfied and complete. Food became my life partner. I really wish I could 'un-learn' this or I could replace that dysfunctional partner with something else that works just as well. But I have never been able to do that. I wish that I could find it in my faith or in exercise or in my one True Love...... but I don't. I have thought about taking up other destructive hobbies like smoking or drinking but I figured at least I can't get arrested for DWF (driving while FAT). For a time I can control it and lose some weight but I always miss my coping mechanism and feel the agitation that comes with doing without it. One night a few weeks ago, after some sort of dispute or another, I left the house and drove around in the dark and argued with myself about getting something to eat. FOR HOURS. I wanted to sooth my jangled nerves and give me that feeling that I was worth rewarding and comforting. But I didn't do it because I have goals that don't allow that. And though it would seem that resisting the temptation would be it's own reward--- it wasn't . It left a vacumn of frustration and anger and then the inevitable digust and self loathing that comes with the recognition of where I place my partnership. I (once again) felt astounded that I had that difficult a time to let it go and just go home to bed.
How much weight have I lost-- I have no idea because the scale is my best friend and worst enemy depending on it's daily fickle revelations. For now I know that I am doing my best and know it will pay off for at least awhile and that will have to do.
But it is a struggle all the time.
And for my Blogger friend who is feeling "off" -- I get that. Whenever we change something up it takes awhile to regain our balance. Changing your diet, your job, your furry companions; all those things and so many more can feel somehow wrong even when they are 'good' changes. Discomfort is what often motivates change and can be a very good thing but it doesn't feel good sometimes. So my thoughts are to look for the root of the issue if you can find it. Have a sort of nurturing patience with yourself. Certainly don't dismiss the victory over the ice cream cone with the disgust that the battle was fought to begin with.
I should take my own advice, right?
So to answer the question-- how am I REALLY?
I am a grateful grandma who is learning to be content in the moment. I am seeking out new ways to entertain myself and others and I am fighting the good fight against ice cream. And that makes me pretty much alright if I do say so myself.
And thank you for asking.