Sunday, January 30, 2011

Lost & Found

I found something this weekend I didn't even realize was lost.

But I need to back up to tell the whole story
Let me paint a you a word picture

Visualize a feather pillow-- with a live grenade inside

This was my divorce

I went to sleep on an average night secure in my little world and thinking I knew everything about it. About 2:00am my husband woke me up and took about 15 minutes to explain to me that everything I thought I knew about my life was a lie and that he was going to leave me and the kids so he could be Happy.
And then he was gone. Forever.
That was when the grenade went off. And the feathers that exploded in a million different directions were my soul.
I spent quite a long time in shock-- staring at everything as it swirled around me. Not even able to catch any of it-- too busy trying to figure out how to live in this new life. In this house that was missing a husband and a father. How to figure out how to keep my brand new job. How to sleep alone when my kids were with their dad and not in my bed. How to get HIV tests and lawyers. How to go take the dog for a walk so I could cry without scaring the kids. How to survive.
As time went along things settled. But I wasn't the same person. There were parts missing. I couldn't go to my groups anymore: I certainly couldn't teach the Young Marrieds Sunday School class the next Sunday! I couldn't even participate in their functions. Now I was a Single. I didn't have many friends left--- mostly they turned out to be Friends by Proximity and when we weren't in the same group we just weren't a part of each others lives. It took a long time to learn to be a Single. For the longest time I still felt married-- just didn't have a husband anymore. Someone else had him. I kept trying to fit back into my old life, but I couldn't and I didn't know where I did fit it.  Nothing felt right.  I felt lost all the time. I stopped enjoying the holidays. I took everything off the walls of the house and didn't re-decorate. I stopped sewing and doing crafts. I couldn't connect with God. I lost my self worth as a woman (being left for a man will do that to you).
There were so many feathers that floated away.
Some I did chase and captured
Some I didn't miss enough to chase them.
Some I didnt even notice were gone.
Some I couldn't catch no matter how hard I tried.

This weekend I found one. And I didn't know I had lost it until I found it again.

From the time I was small I had sung in choirs and musicals. In high school I was in the Show Choir. I made the Southern California Honor Chorus one year. I played piano and percussion in orchestras and was in the very first handbell ensemble at Grace Chapel-- when it was First Baptist down on Lancaster Blvd. I led worship teams and listened to the radio and sang along.
And I lost that.  I was broken and somehow unacceptable and there wasn't enough joy left to emerge in song for a very long time. Just about 14 years in fact.

Then a few weeks ago something my pastor said jogged my memory and I remembered that it was lost. And I went looking for it, and it was right there for me to choose if I wanted to.
So I did; and it is wonderful
Yeah it was right there waiting for me all along.

I found my voice.


Anonymous said...

Wonderful Blog LeAnn! I love how you express your thoughts :) Keep up the good work....
Yvonne (Kitty Lover)

ltlrags said...

I'm in tears here! I read Grandma J's post on FB yesterday and thought "Leann sings?" I had forgotten all those years of hearing your voice. I'm glad you've found it again, and I can't wait to hear it -- loud and proud!

JC said...

I can't even imagine what you went through and are still. May you continue to find yourself.

You are one of the bravest people I've ever met.

Terri said...


Just when Blogger was getting a little musty, you come around and breath fresh air into it!

I'm not sure if one can ever truly find that "before" fit after something like what you went through- but you do the best you can one baby step at a time. And sometimes through adversity, new found strengths can be unearthed.

God Bless you and your incredible "find"- One of my favorite sayings is "when God closes one door, he always opens a window"

Anonymous said...

Don't know what to say except you are stronger than you ever realized. And loved by many.

Stacy Vogt said...

I left the last comment....did not mean to post it anonymously...I for one am one who loves you very much....thanks for all the years of friendship, laughter and tears.

LeAnn said...

Awww you guys rock!