Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Wade In

If you dare, wade into my Stream of Consciousness for 8-31-10.

I was supposed to be doing homework and preparing for a test but the website is 'experiencing difficulties'. Terrific. It is due tomorrow. I don't have many questions left but.... grrrr
So I readied my notes and studied. Not a total waste of time.

Today I have embarked on a new phase of my life. As of today I have an empty nest for the first time in 25+ years. The last time I wasn't the prime parent was in early 1984 and I was 22 years old. Lauren has moved to her father's house. I feel kinda lost. I have watched over this kid since the moment her birthmother put her in my arms. I will never forget being told what to do when she stopped breathing or when her heart stopped beating. Not IF-- but WHEN. The weight of this responsibility has never left me. Not that she has never been away but tonight her room is empty. Figuratively--- not literally. There is a lot of crap in there actually... but she won't be living there anymore. She will visit. Her room is empty.
I got pretty lucky in the Ex-husband lottery. We were best friends from the time we were 15 years old, married at 19. Divorced at 34. The friendship took a break for awhile there but I am blessed to know that we are back to a good place. He wished me well today. Told me this is my time to focus on myself for once and to do all the things I have put off. How amazing to hear that from him. Maybe I didn't choose so terribly badly after all.
I am at loose ends though. No dance class tonight. I thought to call and see if she wanted Starbucks on my way home from work-- then I realized it would be a pretty long drive to deliver it. She got me out of bed last night to kill a spider in the garage. I guess her dad can do that now. I should be feeling pretty happy not to have that to deal with, right? So why does this feel so bad?

Seriously, crying twice in one month? What is happening to me? I hope I am not growing emotions or something.

1 comment:

JC said...

You are my hero ...
I simply adore you.
You will be ok.
You've done your job.
She will be ok.
She may fall along the way but you did what you were supposed to do.
Let him do the rest.

She may actually find that she misses you but if not, know that you did what you were supposed to do. You loved her.

Now, it is your time to refind YOU. Just like I am doing.

Know that I think you are a marvelous person. You are loved ... by this old lady who lives in the woods.

You make me laugh, you make me cry but most of all ... You make me happy to have found you in this crazy world.

You are my Wow Meow ...

xo xo xo xo xo xo xo

JC ^,,^