Shhhhhhh..........

(Be very quiet while you read this--- "THEY" might be listening)

I think there is a conspiracy at foot involving my family.

Possibly your also--- it is subtle and you may not have noticed.

In the last few years  sadists dental professionals have been prescribing a certain procedure to everyone in the family.  One by one we have been told that we 'need' to have our wisdom teeth removed.  In December alone Becca AND Zach had theirs removed.  One by one by one until only mine survived.

Why is it that 'someone' feels so threatened by our family wisdom that they must eliminate the threat?   I mean, don't tell them I said this, but it isn't like there is any true genius going on there.    With everyone else I mean.  As for me-- all four of my wisdom teeth grew in.  Obviously this proves my superiority.  (don't be jealous, it isn't becoming)

But now..... now those who would steal our wisdom have made their boldest move ever: 

THEY HAVE GONE AFTER ME!!!!!!

Now the pieces are starting to fit together.  'Someone' has eliminated all the minor threats and now seek to snuff out the brightest star in the universe.  The holder of all Wisdom.  The Matriarch of the family.  The True Leader of the Pack.

My own personal sadist Dental Professional has declared war on my mouth.   About 25 years ago 'They' snatched one my them.  And now, just because one is completely cracked in half and has cracked the molar next to it and has ground down the wisdom tooth above it-- he thinks it needs to come out.  And just because the one under the missing one has now 'Super Erupted' he wants that one out too.  Who knew that wisdom teeth are like goldfish--- growing to whatever space allowed?  
Is it worth the price of the remaining wisdom in the ENTIRE FAMILY fix these little problems?   What will we do when there is NO wisdom left?

Well, at least I will get a Crown out of the deal.  The Queen should have a crown!

In Which We Snoop Around

Having worked out way through the adventures of hospital stays, funeral arrangements and memorial planning we are now moving in to the next exciting phase:  Settling The Estate.

And by 'exciting' I mean I don't know what I am doing but it is kind of like a Literal and Figurative Treasure Hunt.  And we feel really creeped out going through their stuff.  Every so often I have this feeling I am gonna get in trouble.

So Monica and I went to see our friendly neighborhood estate attorney the other day.  He handled the trust my dad set up.  "Trust" makes it sound as if they had a lot of money.  What it really means is that he didn't want my sister and I to fight over who gets to keep the growth he picked off his own head and kept in a jar in the cupboard. (I really wish that were a joke)

Actually I guess anyone can set up a trust and all it does is bypass the probate court.  (please insert 'The More You Know Theme Song')

So he suggested that we go through the house very very thoroughly because people of his generation stashed cash in weird places.

In my generation this means we put our credit cards in the freezer.  In my kids' generation it means their parents put their credit cards in the freezer and, since they are 30 years old and still living at home pursuing their Dreams-- they can't reach the pint of Ben & Jerry's they want to eat in their basement 'apartment' so they are enraged and yelling about their Rights!  (Note:  Okay this is a hypothetical because my son and daughter in law have their own freezer in their own house and my daughter... she is not 30 years old)

So Saturday we gathered to look for stashes of cash   important papers.  Of course, this is MY definition of important papers because my fathers definition included receipts for stuff that is older than I am, warranties & manuals for every thing he ever bought, a diagram of something electrical but we have no idea what it was, commodations from work (Dear US Government-- seriously?  Either he was the most amazing employee ever or you just hand those out like candy.  Where I work, a Good Job Commendation means my office key still works),  papers from the time he got a Sears credit card in 1976, original birth certificates and marriage certificates and death certificates from virtually every family member and the list goes on and on.  We found a file box full of the documentation of his fight with "The Man" and by that I mean the poor guy who wanted to build on that huge empty acreage at the southwest corner of 20th West and Ave I because hell hath no fury like an 50 year old Grumpy Old Fart who doesn't want a bunch of apartments put up in HIS neighborhood.  I found his Antelope Valley Community College transcripts as well as his diplomas.  Not as high a GPA as mine, thank you.  By the way he never believed I had at least gotten my AA degree there But I Most Certainly Did!!  (Getting your AA from AV College is a tradition in our family.  Brandon even got one there before being the first (so far cuz his cousins are on their way too) one to get his BS)

We also looked through my mom's jewelry box where we found a lot of cool vintage looking clip on earrings and brooches and lockets.  And a few..... gulp........... gold fillings.  O.M.G.  So gross.  I don't even want to know where those came from.  

We found my maternal grandfathers swimming medals (those will be coming your way soon David).  We found binoculars. (?)  And the flash bulbs from old cameras (remember those?)

What we did not find the crown jewels.  Or One Million Dollars in cash and prizes.  Chicken Boullion but no Gold.  

I have not yet found the letter that lovingly says good bye you were a wonderful child sorry I forgot to tell you.  Or an admission that I was part of the Alien Child Exchange Program but I know that I was.   But I am not giving up.  There might be something somewhere.  

Taking Care of My Own Stuff

One of the things I learned from my father was that you take care of your own 'stuff'.  And by 'stuff' I mean your possessions, your thoughts (aka don't have some psychiatrist screwing around in your brain), your emotions (for crying out loud keep all of those to yourself it is dangerous to let those out!) and your situations.  The very very bottom of the barrel, just one tiny step above death, the last possible resort: to ask for help.
Most of the time this works out okay for me.  There aren't too many things I can't do with a glue gun and determination.

Moving a chair upstairs is not one of them as I found out recently.
First you need to understand my relationship with this chair.  I need to have a chair in my bedroom.  I don't like to read in bed or watch TV in bed.  Sometimes I cant sleep laying down because of the pain in my shoulders.  Even though I have had small bedrooms I have always had a chair in there too.  When we moved into this new apartment I hadn't planned on having a chair in there.  It is a small room. But I missed my chair.  I needed my chair.  So the other day I decided to bring it upstairs.  
So about the pain in my shoulders... I have disk degeneration in my neck.  Probably my lower back too, but the ones in my neck have been causing me problems for a long time.  I do a lot of things in odd ways to accommodate.  For example I mop the floors with towels and my feet.  I push a lot of things on the floor with my feet.  Etc...  I have managed to kind of roll furniture to move it and I figured I could do that with my chair.  At the last minute I asked my sister to help.  That pained me but I did it.  I know.... hoisting my 'stuff' onto someone else.  Breaking an important family rule. 
 As you can see we got it to the top of the stairs.  We even got it past the baby gate!  It was then that we ran into problems....

Some of you may recall the time I got trapped by my bed.  Well, actually I was trapped IN my bed.  I got my arm stuck... long story... anyhow.  I have a history of being trapped by my furniture.  So this was my sister taking pictures because I was trapped in my bedroom.  
After awhile we gave in and called my nephew Zachary for help.  We (and by we I mean me) knew we were setting ourselves up for endless jokes and ridicule for the predicament I was in but there wasn't any food in there so I knew I couldn't last too long.    After Zachary stopped laughing he realized he couldn't do anything either and so we called Brandon.  Well, my sister did because I didn't have my phone.  That's right trapped in my room with NO PHONE OR FOOD!  As I understand it Brandon's response was "Okay Ethel I will be right over"  alluding to the fact that there is a Lucy & Ethel thing going on and everyone knows who Lucy is in this scenario.  

 Soooooo they had to take off the door!

But they were successful!  YAY!  

I LOVE having a chair in my room.   

But.... well... the color isn't quite right so I am going to try to 

switch it out with a recliner later today.

Wish me luck!!!

Meanwhile, my sister would be very disappointed if I didn't share her recent home improvement story. 

So she noticed a bubble in the ceiling of her apartment.

Remember--- part of the reason we sold our house and got our apartments is so 

someone else had to fix stuff (note: moving your furniture doesn't count)

So she poked at the bubble with her curling iron (clearly not the right tool for the job.  Everyone knows that is what a toothbrush is for.  Duh)  and poked a hole through the ceiling.  Now she took a picture but did not include something to gauge perspective but it is about 5 inches in diameter. (that may be a slight exaggeration)

Welcome 2015!!

Dear 2014:
You really sucked.  Please get the heck out of my life.
In 2014 I lost both my parents in spite of all the agony my sister and I went through trying to keep them safe and healthy.  Hiring caregivers and hospital stays.  Nursing homes.  Adult diapers.   Multiple 911 calls to their house.  
We sat with them both as they took their last breaths.  Made funeral arrangements twice.
This year I worked WAY too hard.  
Had EVERY vacation I tried to take get ruined or cancelled
Moved out of our house and got a sister separation (but we are still best friends)
Gave away my CATS
My dog died

It was a crappy year.


This year I would like to have MORE FUN!
Take more than 1 day off of work for vacation (not counting weekends)
Get a puppy???
Start that Unicorn Farm I have been thinking about
Get my TEETH fixed (that is a biggie)
BLOG at least a few times a week
Start smiling again without forcing it
Get my apartment organized in a way that doesn't leave me constantly anxious
Get my diabetes under control (another biggie)

This year I just want to be able to BREATHE!!!

Welcome 2015!   Please be gentle I am feeling kinda frazzled these days.

Not Exactly Al Capone's Secret Vault

Now that the holidays are over (well they will be tomorrow at 9:01 Pacific Standard Time when I celebrate New Year's Eastern Time because I am an old fart) it is time for me to start settling my parents' estate.

This should be interesting.  Would you care to ride along?  I knew you would!!

This afternoon Monica and I went to the bank to open up the safety deposit box.   Awhile back my dad changed the access so that I would be able to do this right away if he were to pass away.

We did not know what to expect:  One Million Dollars in gold bars?  The crown jewels?  A ziplock full of toe nail clippings?  Personal letters to us expressing their love and pride for the beautiful and successful women we have become?  An ammendment to their (Almost) Last Will & Testament that left everything to the cat?  

No, none of those things.   Here are a few things we did find.

My original birth record.  Only mine.  I believe this is because it is an altered document.  For example:  Lauren's birth certificate states that I was in Irvine on 2-14-92 giving birth to her when I was actually at a banquet in Lancaster that night.  So this is what I think happened--- there was a secrete humanoid exchange program between Earth and a far superior species in a galaxy far far away.  Somewhere out there the Rittel's birth child is babbling and drooling in a feeble attempt to represent an average Earth resident.  And I am here. Tah Dah.  You are welcome.  Why is Monica's birth certificate not in there?  Because she was found on the side of the road with eggshell on her head.  That is all we know about her birth.  

An Envelope Full of  What I Thought Might Be Human Teeth:

But they were old coins instead.  Yay   SO much better than teeth.

Copies of their Last Will & Testament that is so complicated that I have no idea what it means but I think it might be put in there specifically to be sure no one but my sister and I could inherit aka Your Rotten Ex Husband Will Never Get Their Slimy Paws On Our Toe Nail Clippings Money.

So that was interesting but nothing dramatic.   In a few weeks we will be visiting their lawyer to see what needs to be done to settle their estate.  I can't wait.  Turns out I used to referee soccer matches with him and I am pretty sure he was not impressed with my skills.  Hopefully he won't remember me!!

I will keep you all posted!

In Remembrance Of My Father

As some of you may know, my father passed away on the 16th of December.  This was two days short of six months from when my mother passed away.  Today was the memorial and I wanted to share the eulogy I gave at his service: 

I am now the oldest of our family.  The matriarch.  The queen bee.  Dad didn’t want to have a memorial service.  But Monica and I knew we all needed to get together and remember our dad so we decided not to honor this last wish.  Hopefully he isn’t hearing this!  We also felt sad that he didn’t allow people to get up and speak at moms service so if you want to you can get up today and share memories of both of them.  Sorry about that dad.

When I thought about what I wanted to share three topics really came to mind.  That is right I am going to give a classic three point sermon.  Get your notepad ready.

First is Faith:  My parents had a quiet faith in God.  My dad was a deacon when we were young and he always did handyman work for the church so we were at church about 1000 hours a week.  Every week. I am pretty sure I was actually born in a church nursery.  Dave Shroeder’s father baptised mine.  We knew every nook and cranny of the church and we would play monster down in the basement or stand in the baptistery and pretend to swim or launch paper airplanes off the balcony.  I should take this opportunity to confess that  passed notes during services.  It is possible we may have skipped Youth Group on occasion to stand out on Lancaster Blvd and goof off.   I have it on good authority that my sister may or may not have chewed gum in church.  Phew I feel so much better now.  Every one has faith in something. You may have faith in yourself or faith in your spouse.  You may place your faith in science or society.  You have faith that gravity will always keep your feet on the ground and that the sun will come out tomorrow. But we all have faith. My parents put faith in God. And they knew the difference between faith in God and faith in the church so even when things happened that were political or just human their faith was still strong.  If you put your faith in man you will always be disappointed.  If you place your faith in God He will never fail you. 

Second is Fidelity:  (Notice the clever alliteration)  In case the word fidelity isn’t familiar I will give you a quick definition and then I know you will understand.   Fidelity is a Noun that behaves like a verb.  Strict observance of promises, duties.  Loyalty.  Faithfullness in a relationship.  Attachment.  Devotion.  Steadfastness.   These are words that describe the relationship between my parents.  They celebrated their 54^th wedding anniversary in the hospital and mom passed away a few days later.  Their health was bad for many years but dad took care of mom until the end and once she was gone he was lost without her.  Caring for her was what kept him going and when she was gone, his job was done.  He never recovered.  He often spoke of wanting to go be with her and what a glorious day that would be.  We were not surprised that he went to join her.  It is like he felt a cold coming on Monday morning and decided that was his chance to be with her for the holidays so he went for it. 

Point Three is Family.    Family was everything to our parents.  Especially the grandkids.  They had a magnet on the fridge that said grandchildren are the reward for not strangling your teenagers.  This was weird because Monica and I were perfect teenagers.  Well, I was anyhow. I mean there was that one incident with the speeding ticket.   My parents loved their grandkids.  They were only 42 and 49 when Brandon was born and so he got to spend a lot of time with them when they were still able to take him fishing or camping.  It wasn’t until Lauren came 7 years later that the deluge of grandkids came.  Six at the final count.  Then along came Parker two years ago and they were thrilled to have a great grand child.    Mom used to let him play with her oxygen tubing and color with him.  Parker had a routine when he would go visit Grandpa:  He would move the front door rug to the middle of the living room, pick up Grandpas Sudoku toy and walk around talking on it like a cell phone and then put on his great grandpa’s shoes and tromp around his house.  Once mom passed seeing Parker was about the only time dad really perked up.  We have so many memories of family times that we would be here forever if I got started.   So you can see me later for more stories.

Before I go I want to say that these past 5 years have been so difficult but I am proud of the way our family has stood strong together and held each other up.  And I especially want to thank my sister who took the brunt of the medical issues .  And our kids who many times had to take the back seat while we worked with whatever situation was going on.  We Rock!

So that was the eulogy.  My father had a honor guard present a flag to us and do that little ceremony including playing of taps.  The girls sang I'll Be Home For Christmas.  It was a beautiful service.   We know that more than anything my father wanted to be with my Mom and he held out as long as he could but his will, as well as his heart, were broken.  We know that this will be his best Christmas ever so it makes it easier to deal with the loss.

You Thought You Foiled My Plan But........

SOMEONE around here (you know who you are coughFAMILYcough) 

obviously STOLE my hot glue gun.

I know it is because you are jealous of my Glue Gun Skills.

I have tried to educate you all on how you can fix practically ANYTHING with a glue gun.  

I mean, right now I can't even think of something you CAN'T Fix with one.

....... Nope, drawing a blank........

Well guess what peoples......

BA BAM!!!!!

That is right--- I have a new glue gun and it is STYLIN!!

So now I can hang my pictures and my curtains.

I can put my Christmas cards up and I can put the ornaments on the tree!

I can fix it so my furniture doesn't move around.

I can keep Parkers diapers on his butt

I can pick the gorilla glue off Parkers rubber bottomed plates and use glue that stays forever.

I can reglue the teflon on my pans

I can fix my cat's collar so it doesn't fall off

When Parker doesn't finish his banana I can fix the banana peel so it looks perfect again.

I can wrap my Christmas gifts.

So many many uses.......