GeeezLoueez~ A Blog Now? Seriously?

2012-01-15T19:13:00.000-08:00

I am going to turn 50 years old this year.

(Let me pause for a moment while you pick yourselves up off the floor)

I don't know how I feel about that.

That is to say I know how I feel about a great many things but there is no consensus of opinion.

I don't feel that old though I know I look that old and certainly my body feels that old

But my mind is angry at being that age

Because, in many ways, I am just now getting to the point of appreciating my mind and I am angry that I wasted so much time!

I am learning so much about myself that would have been so handy to know years ago.

Like what it means to be The Grown Up One

Lately I feel like I have assumed the mantle of The Grown Up One

I know it has been coming for awhile as my dad has aged. Not to say that he isn't still capable of most everything but that the invisible burden that has to be carried by someone is settling less and less on his shoulders and more on mine.

I wonder if it isn't an intuitive part of human nature that this falls most naturally to the oldest child. A chicken and egg thing--- oldest child syndrome. Do we tend to be the responsible, pragmatic control freaks because we arrived first or did we somehow push to the first in line because we already possessed those qualities.

Or is it thusly that God in His infinitive wisdom (metaphorically) sits in His pre-utero laboratory amidst rows upon rows of brightly colored dna and picks and chooses who will receive what and in which quantities and then sits back to see how it all plays out. I think this must be so because I am so different from my sister.... The Grown Up One In Waiting. This position is slightly under that of the Grown Up One but not in the same direct lineage as the Grown Up One To Be (of the next generation). The Waiting One is slightly askew. In our case she is the one possessed of All Medical Knowledge and Aptitude. And I got absolutely none. She can go inside a doctor's office or hospital without feeling faint. She can see a needle and not feel the room spinning. She can say all those really hard words like Ekocardiographic-x-p-alidoious. And she even explained to me once that a CAT scan does not require the use of felines. Who Knew?

I say that this seems to fall naturally because I do see the exceptions all around me. Namely my mother who is neither pragmatic nor controlling (except for the occasional dust particle) but we do have to make allowances for the emotionally weak (ie: The Whack-a-doodle Syndrome).

I am not really liking my new role as it has truly and suddenly thrust me into the role of Person In Charge Of Where Grandma Is Going To Live Out Her Remaining Days

I keep looking around (figuratively of course since looking around literally would result in bored looks from various felines) to see who is the one that seems to think I am old enough for this responsibility. Isn't there always someone older? Wiser? More experienced? More capable? Has it really and truly come down to ME? Do we never see that eventually we must become that person from attrition if for no other reason? It is because I am so truly at odds between the person I appear to be on the outside and the person I truly am inside my own head? Not to say that I am farcical or hypocritical. Not on purpose anyhow and do these things not require intent by definition? No it is more the defensive posturing I project that makes me seem to be more grown up than I feel inside.

Or maybe none of us are The Grown Up Ones

Maybe we are all playing dress up!

Buckle Up!

2012-01-14T19:55:00.000-08:00

So let me you up to speed on what has been going on in my life.
I quit writing my other blog because it became evident that spewing vitriol (See NOTE) on the Internet could come back to haunt me. So it isn't as if I am really any less Dark so much as I realized I better hide it better. I have been fighting a Bad Attitude Problem lately in case you have been lucky enough to
avoid it. Cuz work sucks and I miss the only other girl in the company who left to have a baby (she IS a beautiful baby tho) and now I am forced to leave my estrogen locked up in the car every day while I deal with overwhelming testosterone and
try not to kill anyone. And if that sounds soul sucking then you have a tiny hint of how miserable I am lately at work.
The home repairs to my rental property are almost done and thanks to my handy dandy tenant have only cost me most of what I saved up for vacation for the last
3 yrs. But for him any chance would be gone. I am in preliminary stages of planning trip to Virginia in april (you hear that my VA girls and boys?).
There are other things too but the biggest and most heart breaking issue has been my grandma. She is 97 and
has clearly reached the point that she cannot live alone even with support and for reasons too long and complicated to explain here she cannot live with us or my parents and I have taken on the responsibility to get her settled as safely and happily as possible. This has turned out to be a very frustrating situation and I floundered around for 2 weeks filling out the wrong paperwork, talking to the wrong people racking up hours of time on the Internet trying to find a clue
and finally finding my first bit of footing by emailing literally everyone I knew asking foe help and by the true grace of God discovered an angel who is helping me get a handle on it all. So today I spent the day going to all the 36 board and care homes in my area of town to see which would be the recipient of further pursuit. I cataloged them and photographed them noting the surrounding neighborhoods, proximity to fire stations and hospitals as well as which were closest to where I live. Each was given a number of course so I can cross reference. And yes, I am completely aware that hyper-organization is my way of coping with a out of control situation. This took 7 hrs and was interrupted only by several food runs and my yoga class.
Ah yoga how I missed thee due to various circumstances! This class was the fullest I have ever seen! And how lucky I was to get my favorite spot in the back and further rewarded by having Moaning Guy spread his mat right next to my own. Ah Moaning Guy! How then can I relate Moaning Guy's yoga routine and yet remain the oh-so-very-proper lady that we all know me to be? MG is very fit. He can really do the yoga that I can only aspire to achieve some day after having lost another 150 lbs. and having all my joints replaced. But his vocalizations.... It is like someone is filming a porno 5' feet away. It is enough to distract me from my meditative state. To wretch away my zen and make me almost remember what having sex was like all those many many (manymanymany) years ago. He is blissfully unaware of the peril he is placing himself in. Namaste THAT Moaning Guy! Nama-nasty!
Lucky for him I have many many many many (manymanymanymany) years and days and hours and minutes and seconds of carefully suppressed sexuality buried in a grave where it belongs......
I do declare..... (fanning self)
Anyhow....... tomorrow I will start visiting said establishments and interviewing staff.
I will take all prayers, wishes, good thoughts, pixie dust or anything else you got to help me do right by my grandma.
Nite Nite Ya'll
vit·ri·ol
/ˈvɪtriəl/ Show Spelled [vi-tree-uhl] Show IPA noun, verb, -oled, -ol·ing or ( especially British ) -olled, -ol·ling.
noun
1.
Chemistry . any of certain metallic sulfates of glassy appearance, as copper sulfate or blue vitriol, iron sulfate or green vitriol, zinc sulfate or white vitriol, etc.
2.
oil of vitriol; sulfuric acid.
3.
something highly caustic or severe in effect, as criticism

breathe heavy!

Introducing A New Friend!

2012-01-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

INTRODUCING..................

Crystal Anahi

She was born on Friday December 30th to my co-worker Claudia

She is perfectly adorable

I am her AbuelaBlanca

Her White Grandma

Because Crystal's hispanic family Es Muy Loco (crazy) and she wasn't even going to get a blankie and that is just wrong.

Also, they always put on this hard, bad ass gangster look on their faces when they get pictures done and that is also just wrong. I am going to teach Crystal how to smile in pictures.

I am going to teach her how to translate for me because her mom lets me stand there like a dork when everyone is speaking spanish.

I am going to enjoy this little girl even though she took away my best friend at work and has left me the only girl in the whole entire company and now work is really boring and every day drags out like it will never end.

Never Ever End

So, Welcome to the La Vida Loca Crystal

(Be sure to get my cell number)

Congratulations to her Mom & Dad

and all her sisters and brother!!!

Actual Herd of Reindeer

2011-12-28T18:59:00.000-08:00

The Family Reindeer Herd

(From left to right)

Rudy the Suburban Reindeer

Lola the Corolla Reindeer

The Reluctant (MOM OMG REALLY?) Reindeer

The Reindeer That Ran Over Grandma & Grandpa

The Young Fenner Buck

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and that the New Year Brings Wonderful Blessings!

Boomerang Christmas Trees & Peeps: WTH?

2011-12-20T21:43:00.000-08:00

Many things on my mind tonight. Luckily I am too tired to whine too much so will share two observations:

#1) Last Saturday night we got a real tree because our daughters told my sister and I that we had ruined their childhoods by putting up the same sad fake tree every year.
And it was looking pretty pathetic, admittedly.
So we got a new tree and it is beautiful and mostly still alive in spite of the fact that we forgot it needed water for several days. It helps that it never gets higher than 50 degrees in our living room.
So we put the fake one out on the street in case someone wanted it.
We have gotten rid of a lot of stuff that way.
So it was gone the next morning.
Cool
But then it came back then next morning. Same tree. Same note on the front "FREE TREE"
That was just weird.
It was gone again the next night
So far it has not come back
So far..........
#2) My daughter loves Peeps. I mean she is a serious Peep-Eater.
Peeps see her coming and try to hide.
And every year on alternate holidays (besides the traditional peep holiday of Easter) you can easily find a small variety of peeps. Snowmen peeps. Christmas Tree Peeps. Reindeer Peeps.
This year nothing
No peeps
None
What is going on here?????
Have they all been abducted by aliens?
Was there a run on peeps of which I was not made aware until it was too late?
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE PEEPS????

If it is possible that you are not familiar with peeps (HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???) or you just want more information please visit the Peeps Research Foundation Website

CLICK HERE FOR CHEEEEP ENTERTAINMENT

OMG I GOT ON MY OWN BLOG

2011-12-17T10:22:00.000-08:00

You guys don't even know the trouble I have been having with my blog and my yahoo accounts! I have not been able to get the password right and have reset and stuff so many times I don't even know how I finally managed to post here!
So I better make this count, right?

It is the Christmas season.
Which is typically not my favorite season. It used to be when the kids were little.
But now that they are grown and I am so OLD it is more annoying than anything else.

Understanding that I was bringing people down around me I decided that I had better pull my head out and just do the old "Fake It Till You Make It" thing!
So here we are!
No gift cards or money for the family this year. No sir! Everyone is getting actual gifts. They may be strange gifts but there will be things to wrap and put under the tree. I cant reveal too much because I don't know who all reads this but here are a few things. My son and daughter in law wanted a parakeet for Christmas so my sister and I went in and got all the accouterments (SEE TODAY'S SPECIAL WORD) This is gonna be one spoiled parakeet. It has a giant cage and it has so many toys and food cups and ladders and mirrors and bells and a little bathtub that now we are wondering if the bird will be able to move. We can't wait to get the bird (HA). For my feline gang (Boris, Chanel, Yvette, Jinx, O'Malley, Mush, Layla and Figaro)(Yes I do have 8 cats-- SO WHAT?) I bought two suet cakes with hangers to go outside where they can sit in our beautiful new garden window and watch Birdie TV.
Everyone in the family has reindeer antlers on their car. Yes really. Even my parents. We will be getting some pictures done soon.
This year Christmas dinner will be a free for all with a special request dish from everyone. This means that so far we are having Turkey, Beef, Ham, mashed potatoes with broccoli, cabbage rolls, yams, fried corn and sushi.
SO WHAT!!!!
If we are really lucky we might even have my sisters very special chocolate cream pie. Have I ever told you about this?
One year she had everyone over to her house from both our and her (at the time but thank you God not now) husbands sides. So this is many people. She decided to make chocolate pie so she got a Ready Crust and put chocolate pudding in it. She was pretty proud of herself so she told me. At this point, to save her embarrassment (then, not now. Now she enjoys it when I embarrass her) I had to tell her that you must bake the crust first. That is right--- raw dough crust with chocolate pudding.
Last Saturday my son and daughter in law hosted what was a truly wonderful perfect day. It started with Jericho's Swedish Pancakes followed by hours of pie making, candy making and cookie making. Then we had Brandon's special from scratch pizza, then more baking and cooking. We told silly family stories and played Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Then we had Brandon's special amazing stew. Then we all went to the Christmas on the Blvd which was amazing. Our little city has been trying to turn our main street into a walking wonderland of shopping and museums and theaters etc for my whole life and they have finally succeeded. We have a first rate Boulevard that rivals anything in Southern California and I am so proud. I know we have arrived because people are bringing their dogs and eating at sidewalk bistros. That is a sure sign. So we walked up and down (after parking a mile away) and saw Real Live Reindeer even! Then it was decided that the fake tree we had in our house was unacceptable and so we went out and bought a Real Tree.
A perfect day.
Today my son is making Grandpa Cookies--- some of you are familiar with these. I will post about this later.
So.... I will persevere and make this a Happy Holiday!
And hope you all will too!

noun

personal clothing, accessories, etc.

the equipment, excluding weapons and clothing, of a soldier.

A Limerick About Snow

2011-12-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

And Today, A Limerick For Your Enjoyment

Twenty Seven Long Winters Ago

We Were Buried By Two Feet Of Snow!

I Was Soon To Give Birth

This Was No Peace On Earth

Desert Blizzards Are Not Status Quo!!

My New College Plans

2011-12-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

I know that some of you have been on pins and needles-- tossing and turning at night-- wondering what is Geeez going to do next in her college career???
It is a good question- a valid question- and one I have also spent many sleepless nights exploring.
Here I am finally one final exam away from being done with all the classes I need to transfer as a junior to a university. Just one more anthropology test and then I can apply to Cal State Bakersfield and advance toward my BS in Business.
I can hardly believe I made it. It was such a big goal just a few years ago when I needed 30 units. But I plodded along and here I am.
And now that I am here I don't think I have arrived at the right place
Because
If I move on to CSUB I will have all my upper division classes to do. And if I can't do them online I may have to travel to Bakersfield (OMG). Community college is expensive enough ($39.00 a unit plus books) but university level prices----- quite a lot more! (insert understatement here) And at the rate I am able to go it could take another 5 years which would put me at---- you might want to sit down for this-- 55 damn years old. SENIOR DISCOUNT AGE!!! At which point I would have to start paying off student loans get a better job etc....

So I have done a lot of researching lately and I have discovered some stuff. There is something called a Certified Payroll Specialist and you must be licensed to be one. I could do that. There is something at my handy dandy (oh so cheap and comfortable) community college (GO Antelope Valley College Marauders!!) called a Professional Bookkeeper Certificate as well as an Associates Degree in Professional Bookkeeping. I can even get 8 units of work experience just for going to work every day. So, my focus has shifted peoples. It may not be a BS but they are achievable with a low cost. They are something different to do (which is always important to me so I stay off the streets and out of jail) and I was able to register for 2 classes last night. TWO classes! If you know the community college system these days you know that this is almost unheard of if you are toward the back of the priority registration grouping.

So, I should be done with school for the semester Saturday afternoon. I was worried that I might not get an "A" in Anthropology until I checked it out and discovered that the grades are weighted in my favor (because my exams have all been 'A's but my papers have been 'B's) as exams are worth 70% of the grade with 30% going to papers.
I tell you this not to brag (that will come later no doubt) but so you can all get out there and figure out what you are going to get me for my Good Girl Grade Awards.

Discovering New Stuff

2011-11-30T19:00:00.000-08:00

Do you ever think about all the different things going on around us?
Every person with a whole entire life of things you know nothing about!
Today I learned about something I never knew existed.
It is called Steampunk and here is how the Urban Dictionary defines it:

1. steampunk

Steampunk is a subgenre of speculative fiction, usually set in an anachronistic Victorian or quasi-Victorian alternate history setting. It could be described by the slogan "What the past would look like if the future had happened sooner." It includes fiction with science fiction, fantasy or horror themes.

And if the term 'speculative fiction' is new to you as it was to me, here is a definition of this:

"Speculative literature is a catch-all term meant to inclusively span the breadth of fantastic literature, encompassing literature ranging from hard science fiction to epic fantasy to ghost stories to horror to folk and fairy tales to slipstream to magical realism to modern myth-making -- and more."

Speculative Literature Foundation

HOW COOL IS THIS????

And I heard about this on a podcast of the How Stuff Works Website

I LOVE THOSE SHOWS!!!!!!!! They are awesome!
If you want to expand your world go check it out!!!

When I couldn't listen to radio streaming on my computer at work I started exploring podcasting to my ipod. CATHY! I am finally using the ipod you gave me!!!!!   lol
Podcasts are free   They are fascinating You can learn about anything you can imagine. For me it is like sitting around the cafe table at Starbucks and eavesdropping on all kinds of interesting people while I do my boring accounting work!

Another show I like is 'How Much Do We Love..." which is just a lot of fun.    And one of the things they like to talk about are "Extras in the movie of your life" These are people whom you encounter during your life. These are not people you really know well. Here are some of mine: My neighbors. I do not know their names nor would I recognize them in the store. Here is what I know about them. They put their trash cans out before we do. Every week. No matter how early we do it, they do it first. It is like THEY KNOW! Also they line them up in a special order and then my sister is compelled to mirror the order so we look like the two most OCD houses on the street. One of the guys also sweeps the driveway every morning and washes his car every sunday morning even if he has to do it IN THE GARAGE because it is raining.
Another extra is the gal who is always working at the Jack in the Box near where I get on the freeway. I always grab a soda on the way to work (YES EVEN AT 5:30am) and she knows how I like my soda: Extra Ice. LOTS OF ICE EVEN IF IT IS SNOWING OUTSIDE!! We are 'friends' of a sort! There is the usher at church who is always so friendly. There is the gas station guy who sometimes gives my sister a free lottery ticket (I think he likes her). These are people we do not 'know' yet they are an everyday part of our lives.
Who are the Extras in the Movie of Your Life??? I want to know!!!

So here is the thing. Life is draining. It is exhausting. It is boring and it can become colorless. There are crappy things happening to all of us. Furfriends and family leaving us. Children who are hurting. Marriages struggling. Jobs that are uncertain.

Don't forget to look up and around.
There are SO MANY amazing things going on out there!
Discover something new!

GO FOR IT!

Thangiving In GeeezLand

2011-11-27T19:44:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving
Mine started very early and very cold with a 5K Turkey Trot

Chandra and I arrived early to get ready and set to go I was SO JEALOUS of this gal with a turkey hat! It looked like the turkey was stuck on her head. It was awesome!
As you can see we were situated toward the back of the pack with the people who brought their dogs. In strollers.

We were numbers 491 and 492. We were in the section of people who didn't care weren't rabidly serious.
By the time we got to the first incline the guy who came in first passed us going the other way
We Yelled "SHOW OFF" at him
We had to make a potty stop partway along which made us lose quite a lot of time.
Therefore we cut a few corners.
So our time over the finish line is ambiguous. But I am going to claim the 57 minutes and 13 seconds as my new best time.

Then I went home, took a shower (cuz I was all sweaty like) and fell back into bed and slept for a few hours.
Then I got up and cleaned the house and started cooking
This is the holiday where divorce has reduced our numbers to mostly the old folks. This happened a few years ago also and so I decided to cook something special: Squash soup with kale. The looks I got. I am pretty sure they suspected me of trying to kill them.
Last year the child migration to their fathers took place over Christmas and so I didn't cook (putting the celebration off by a week until they migrated here) and my parents and grandma went out to eat. They didn't tell me how horrible this was, I can just tell. I couldn't do this to them again and so I cooked (my sister was working).
But I made a traditional menu. Nothing too imaginative.
That is my culinary heritage. Meat Starch Vegetable DON'T GET ALL FANCY
On the rare occasion when my mom was feeling really fancy she would make jello and float a pear half in it.
It worries them that I don't eat meat. It worried them that I wouldn't have anything to eat at Thanksgiving. It worries them that doing yoga several times a week will turn me into a Buddhist. They also were anti-karate when I was a kid. I lot of worry about religious brainwashing. One day you achieve Downward Dog the next you have shaved your head and become the Dali Lama.
In years gone by I have tried to make the day special with meaningful little things like going around the table and saying something we were thankful for or writing what we were thankful for on a cutout of a leaf and taping it to a tree I had painted on the living room window. But these things never go over well. It is because sentiment has been bred out of us. We are stoic German robots. Don't try to get all creative and stuff. Because we will not have it!
I spent quite some time in the morning trying to heat up the downstairs so my parents wouldn't freeze. I could not figure out the thermostat. Later when I admitted this my father and son took a look. Turns out it was broken. Also they discovered several lamps that were broken. In my universe if we can't figure something out we just do without it. We will usually try to fix it with a hot glue gun before giving up altogether. I think this really worries my dad, lol. Like he has two teenagers out living on their own instead of two middle aged old ladies.
Someday......maybe..... I will be the matriarch of this family. I will teach all the little ones the secrets of hospitality and of hosting a generous and beautiful holiday. I hope to pull out all my linens and china and all the interesting recipes and establish traditions that do not fall flat. We will not have families broken by divorce.
And I will be Queen
It could happen.

I Am Baaaack!

2011-11-22T20:16:00.000-08:00

Hello Peeps!
I thought I had better check in here and see what you are all up to these days.
As you can see from the blog, I am downsizing.
There is less of me and there is less extra stuff on the blog.

I am going through a weird phase.
I can't really figure it out myself. I guess I will just see where I go.
For now let's talk about my college career.
In a few weeks I will have finished all the 30 units I needed two years ago to transfer to Cal State Bakersfield.
This is shocking to me. At the beginning of this journey it looked so unlikely I would ever get here that I am not sure now what to do about it.
I love school so I know I will keep going regardless of the goal
But do I really want to transfer and start accruing really serious debt?
Do I really want to be an accountant after all?
I feel like I have been a grown up all my life. Even as I child I was always so responsible.
Is that where I want to go as things are winding down?
Or shall I look in a different direction.....
Maybe I can count beans for a living until I die but maybe I can re-direct my energy into something that seems more interesting.
I don't know. I feel like I need to know now. Right now. Last month. What is my plan? What are the goals? What comes next and next and next after that?
And when do I live in all of this? Do I ever take a vacation? Do I ever travel?
Maybe I could be a writer.
Maybe I could pursue some actual education toward that.
Why is it that some of us are compelled to put our thoughts out there for everyone to see and feel and hear. Why do I get satisfaction from taking a thought and expressing it in letters and words and sentences and concepts and abstractions.
Why do I like to play with words.
What is it that I have to say?
What can I contribute.
These are deep thoughts on a quiet night. They are banging around in my head.
And I will send this off to you--- whomever you are. People I know. People I do not know.
And the funny thing is that the joyful part is in putting it down and sending it out regardless of what happens after that.
Is there hope for me?

I Am Still Here But.....

2011-10-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

OMG!
I can't believe how long it has been since I posted! How have you all survived?
There are a few reasons for this
I am mid-way through my Anthropology class and this has kept me very busy studying primate behavior (THIS MEANS YOU!!!) and writing award winning essays while carefully skirting the ridiculous-ness (not really a word) of my topics. This takes a lot of energy. This semester and last has been sapping my spiritual energy. Not that I have lost my faith but just having to think everything through in a defensive posture is wearing, you know?
Then there is just the suck-i-ness of my life right now.
There are two things I never write about:
My job and my relationship with my kids.
Because I want to keep my job and I love my kids even when things are not what I would hope for.
(Editorial note: I don't want to name names but we know which kids are doing fine ('B' & 'J') and which one would make me cry every night if I were capable of actually producing tears)
So let's just say that those two things have made it difficult for me to be funny and silly for awhile.
There was always my diet and my exercise routine
But I fell off the Vegan Wagon and downgraded to Vegetarian (lacto-ovu which just sounds gross)
And I figured you were getting sick of hearing about my exercise classes.
Tonight I am sitting on the proverbial ledge and I have a cookie in my hand
And I am going to eat it.
And you can't stop me
Maybe after that I will be cheerful again.
Really how are people supposed to live without CHOCOLATE???? HOW????
More importantly: WHY????
In the meantime, how about some interesting comments today PLEASE?
Tell me something interesting in your life.
Give me today's Gopher Count!
Tell me how wrong that Facebook post went about the grammer police Kathy! (Did you notice that?)
Tell me about your plans for Halloween.
Talk to me people.
It is your turn
Tonight I really need it.

Dear Mr Speedo Guy

2011-10-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr Speedo Guy At The YMCA;

Yes, we saw you
Yes, we were watching you

I have a few things to discuss with you

Moobs (Man-Boobs)
It has to be one of the biggest double standards of all time that society dictates that men can walk around shirtless and this is just fine but women cannot. Apart from this obvious hypocrisy let me just say this: Just because you can does not mean you should.

Speedos
Just say "NO" to speedos. Speedos should be outlawed. Unless you are in perfect physical shape and you are trying to impress other perfectly fit men, just say "Hell No" to Speedos. If you must wear one, get one that actually fits. FYI: Speedos that actually fit are also called 'board shorts' Dude, there are small children and sighted people around. Again, just because you can does not mean you should.

That Thing You Did On The Bench:
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
Have you been reading my blog and are under the impression that the aquatic area really truly actually is a marine mammal exhibit? Is that why you climbed up on the bench, laid down on your stomach and then arched your back so that your head and legs lifted in the air which did, in fact, remind me of a Shamu Show I once saw at Sea World. Is that what you were thinking? Because:

You, sir, are no Shamu
Shamu would never EVER wear a speedo
Shamu would wear board shorts and a t-shirt to cover his moobs

So, in conclusion Mr Speedo Guy:
Though we all saw you and your escapades, you should not feel complimented.

Sincerely,
Everyone in the YMCA building Monday Night

Chickenless Chicken of the Sea

2011-10-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

My very helpful Health Coach Ashley recently shared some special treats with me.

I had high hopes for them because, as you can clearly see,

onion flavored SeaSnax are "Strangely Addictive"

I was worried that I would become instantly addicted to SeaSnax and end up spending

my whole paycheck on them, stealing from my family and friends, selling my body

or end up out on the streets homeless begging at the bottom of freeway ramps:

WILL WORK FOR ONION FLAVORED SEAWEED SHEETS!!!

They could be a gateway sea vegetable.

I could end up nibbling on kelp, driftwood.

Then I am on to small fish.... koi even

Maybe tuna... maybe the dolphins snagged with the tuna....

Sharks... first the small sharks... the on to the Great Whites

(Because white meat has less fat and calories you know)

One day you are snacking on an innocent treat from your Health Coach

The next day you are out trolling for grey whales and nomming on blubber

So before something horrible like that happens to me, I decided to

use my housemates as experimental guinea pigs.

Because I am all about self-preservation.

I started with my niece and her friend.

They were not impressed.

Well, it didnt kill them

So I tried it on Sam.

He acted like it burned his eyes.

And once more he cursed my health crisis for my

vegetarianism (though he is thankful for the occasional bit of cheese now)

So, cats like seafood right? Mush was up next.

Um, no.

By the way, no animals were harmed in this experiment.

I decided that it was safe to try it on myself.

This is what it looked like before I tasted it

I can't show you the after picture.

I had to spit it out.

OMG

There was only one person left in the house

I may be an alien from Vega

But she is unidentified alien from planet

WTH Are YOU!!

OF COURSE SHE LOVED THEM!!!

Bark At The Park

2011-10-09T16:36:00.000-07:00

I know, I am very late with my Bark in the Park Report:

This was my first forway into this annual Dog Lover's Festival

I was rewarded with my interesting sights!

I saw many dogs dressed up in Halloween Costumes

Many in their Sunday Best too

There were carnival games for the pooches and all kinds of booths to buy accessories

There was a jumping pool for aspiring Splash Dogs to give it a try

This poor lab just didn't 'get' it.

His staff person took many runs right up to the edge,

After tossing his toy in the water

ON PURPOSE

And he was very encouraging of Poochie, but Poochie would not have it!

Another interesting activitiy was having your doggie walk through paint and then

create a Doggie Masterpiece.

Something precious to hang over the mantle I assume

I was impressed that we have an animal ambulance in the area.

This is good to keep in mind for the next time my dog pees on the tile floor

and I want to beat him within an inch of his life......

Then we have this little poodle who was campaigning for a local politician

I dont exactly know why he feels as though painting a dog will make anyone

feel confident in his Political Wisdom.... frankly, I forgot who it was already.

No, I did not bring Samson the Wonder Pooch. He doesn't always play well with others.

Introducing.............

2011-10-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

Some of you know one of my BFFs Cathy who lives on the East Coast

(You know she has to be a Very Special Friend because

I actually got on an airplane to visit her-- TWICE)

Last Wednesday she gave birth to her second son who's name is Elijah Jonathon Cordova.

He was 5 lbs and 7 oz and, according to his proud mother, has dark hair.

Dark NOSE hair Just like his Daddy, Wes.

Wes is tall, dark and handsome. Cathy is one of the whitest people I have ever met.

There is a picture of her next to the term WASP in the dictionary. I tell you this

because Joshua, their first son, is the absolute spitting image of her.

I have been rooting for Elijah to look like Wes. Mostly this is because I suspect

that Cathy created Joshua in a laboratory or something.

Wes is a great guy and one of the smartest men I know.

How do I know this? Because when Wes (aka The Interloper) started courting Cathy

he was smart enough to do 2 very important things:

#1) He was gracious with our girl time.

This was smart because we decided to let him live.

We had her first and we were very territorial.

#2) When he is around us he observes quietly from the sidelines and doesn't

call the police and/or the insane asylum. What he says when we are gone

Cathy keeps to herself which is just as well.

Yes, Wes is handsome and smart.

But Cathy is probably the Smartest Person I Know.

And not just because she was smart enough to see the quirky ooey gooey

part of me that very few people know about AND SHE STILL LOVES ME!

No, she is an honest to goodness Rocket Scientist.

Someday I hope to be like her when I grow up.

And I am sure her fondest dream is to be half as good a mom as I have been.

I would love to tell you the actual birth story but she is kinda busy right

now with all that ~~yucky gross~~ ~~horrifying~~ beautiful bonding going on and so

I will tell the story that she might tell if she weren't too busy.

Once upon a time there was this stork.............

Congratulations To The Whole Cordova Family

I Pray God Richly Blesses You All!

I Don't Know How This Will End

2011-09-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know how this will end

You have all been with me this whole time so I think it is time to come clean

See how it all plays out

I can't do it any more It is just too hard

Too lonely Too isolating

Sometimes the hunger is just too much and the hole inside can't be filled the way

things are When I am honest with myself-- when I take a good hard look in the

mirror-- my choices reveal the condition of my heart. And for awhile now I have

known that it is time to be honest with you all and with myself

Though I still consider myself to be a true citizen of Vega

I cannot say that I have been true to the true Vegan diet.

I know you are all disappointed--- especially Sheila.

It was the cheese that took me down

Not even the full fat kind either--- the 2%!

I craved the protein that I just couldn't find in the garbanzo.

Don't get me wrong-- I still love my legumes; the Garbanzos, the Pintos, The

Blacks and Whites and Browns....

But often the temptation and the cravings control me

I found myself cheating.

It started out so small-- so insignificant.

Sneaking in a little bit of cheese here and there. In a salad. In a sandwich. In a burrito.

So easy to justify; Everyone else does it! I need to be satisfied-- don't I deserve to be satisfied?

It isn't like killing someone. I thought I could control it but the need grew and grew and grew.

Then it graduated on to eggs. In a salad. In a sandwich, In a burrito

Finally it manifested itself in the most onerous of ways: A egg AND cheese burrito!

THOSE DAMN BURRITOS!!

One day I was so bold as to have breakfast with Egg. Right out there in public.

Shameless-- just the two of us there in a booth together with nary a thought as

to how this one act could snowball into so much destruction!

So okay, it is out there now.

I can't be a part time vegan so I guess that makes me a vegetarian now

Fully committed--- not a carnivore!!

I don't know how this will effect my citizenship on Vega

I don't even know if I will be able to go home now..

Don't Judge Me

2011-09-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

Does anyone understand what is going on with Facebook?
I just don't have the patience to figure it out right now.
Facebook and I have a Love / hate relationship.
I keep track--- at least on a shallow level-- with many people I would never hear from otherwise. Surely it does not take the place on a good long phone call or a visit in purpose, but it is good!
I like hearing about Cathy's little bun-in-the-oven and how big he is getting
And if not for FB I wouldn't even know about other buns in ovens
Sometimes it is the only way to get my daughter's attention--- even when she is at my house!
And I love to see the pictures!
On the down side we have the birthday situation!
Maybe this hasn't happened to you, but it happens to me often.
Back in the olden days you sent off a card and it got there somewhere around the birthday and you didn't really need to know the exact day.
But now... you post a Happy Birthday message on Face Book and you had better have the right day or you are going to look stupid. Well intentioned, but stupid.
Of course if you DON'T post on their birthday it is worse!
I have a few friends that I suspect have been victims of my fuzzy memory though none have corrected me so I am not sure.
Which means I will suffer emotionally for another 364 days and then it will be deja vu all over again!

Coordination Is Over Rated

2011-09-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

One of the things of which I have recently become painfully aware, is that I am consistently uncoordinated in all exercise regimes.
This is quite a talent
In my yoga class I have trouble with balance and I simply cannot do anything that requires that I put all 500 lbs of Hippo weight on my shoulders. The other day I tried and was rewarded with crunching sounds coming from my joints. This is not a good thing. So I do not do downward facing dog nor do I do planking poses. This does limit my participation. So far I have not farted which is good and I have been able to refrain from making hissing sounds when I do the cobra move. Out loud anyhow.
In water aerobics I tend to float off in the wrong direction. And I don't balance well even in the water. On Saturday my bathing suit was trying to fall apart and I accidentally hit someone in the rear end. The bathing suit also tends to add an extra measure of resistance as it is a dress type so it is usually going in the opposite direction from where I am trying to go and riding up around my ears.
And then there is Zumba. I am pretty sure the instructor was born without hip bones. My own personal hips only want to go side to side--- not the other 100 directions his hips go. And I can go low... but not low, low, Low, Low LOW LOW LOW LOW and certainly not without help getting back up!
It is all so different in my imagination. There I have an actual figure--- that is not Buddha-like. My dancing is more Brittany than Seizure. I can do water moves without falling over and getting water up my nose. And I simply Glow rather than sweating drops on my yoga mat or the floor or all over my shirt. I can be the downward dog and I do not recoil in horror when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Maybe someday my reality will match my fantasy.

The Blind Leading The Blinds

2011-09-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

So I have a cat. He is an indoor cat because when his sister got murdered and left across the street I decided he would have to pay the price and live inside the house. He misses going outdoors. He sits in the window sill and dreams of bygone days.... chasing birdies, rolling in the dust, nibbling on the grass. He has wrecked the mini blinds in my bedroom because he cannot lift the edge or go in by the side like a normal cat. No--- he feels a need to squeeze his Buddah-like torso between the slats, leaving my window a mess. And should it be dark outside and lit up from within.... well, there are some things too scary to detail here.
On Sunday I finally got around to buying some vertical blinds. My sister and I went to Lowes. If there is one thing scarier than the phrase "Chandra and I went to Lowes" it is that one "My sister and I went to Lowes" We headed straight for the window covering department for fear we might find other enticing home improvement projects to distract us. We stood there and tried to look as if we knew what we were doing. I had measured the windows so we were off to a good start. But many things were puzzling; Why are all the slats 84" long? Why not have shorter ones so people aren't wasting so much material? Why don't they state on the box how many slats you need to buy? Since they needed 15 Why do the boxes come in sets of 13? Is this yet another example of the Hot Dog vs Bun conspiracy? Why are all the top rail things WHITE but all the slats ALABASTER (off white)? Monica and I debate these, and other questions, and decided to ask an employee. First though we had to discuss how I knew that the slats did not come with the top thingie (this was actually stated on the box-- in 3 different languages too!) We had decided we needed two sets of top hanging thingies and 3 boxes of slats. This was confirmed by the employee. We were very proud of ourselves.
Then she asked how we were going to get the boxes home. Well duh, in my car. My not so big car. (I often forget this part of purchasing items just ask my son) We spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how to get the seats to fold down for trunk access and finally figured it along with a few other things I didn't know my car could do.
We got it home and read the instructions that promised, very clearly and in 3 different languages, EASY INSTALLATION IN 15 MINUTES!
15 minutes? On what planet?
15 minutes? My big hairy toes!
I got started taking the old blinds down and just as I was about finished my Pancreas decided that it didn't want to do this today and so it shot a load of insulin into my bloodstream causing my blood glucose to plummet. I could tell because suddenly I felt like I was in Target. So I went downstairs and had a snack and rested until I felt better and then I didn't want to do it anymore. But I thought "NO 'MEH' Pancreas, YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS BATTLE!" and a went upstairs, climbed back up on my bed and started working on the blinds again. But not before I got whacked in the head by my ceiling fan. Nowhere in the instructions did it say to turn off my ceiling fan! Who Knew? To make a very long story shorter, 15 minutes was a GROSS UNDERESTIMATE. Gross, I tell you! And the package did not have 'everything we needed" because it did not contain a hammer, nails and a hot glue gun. Or spackle to cover up a few extra holes.
But now my kitty can push his pink little nose through the blinds and crawl up into my window sill and dream of birdies and mousies and days gone by.....
My neighbors will just have to find other forms of entertainment!

"O.F.B."

2011-09-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

(Note: Many thanks to my son for getting the cyber-gunk off my laptop so I can get some blogging done)

Today I want to discuss with you a phenomena I have been recently

found myself observing more and more.

This phenomena of which I speak: O.F.B.

Old Fart Behavior

Evidence #1: As usual on Sunday mornings I was sitting in my usual corner at Panera with

one eye on my homework and the other eye peeled for interesting blogworthy activity.

Or anything I can spin into interesting blog activity.

Older couple pulls up right outside my window. They are probably mid to late sixties. She is carrying a mason jar with lid full of iced tea. He is carrying coffee mug from home. They come in and get a couple of bagels for breakfast. When he goes to the counter I speculate on the coffee mug: will he pay for coffee and get a refill? Will he just fill it up without paying for it? Is this his favorite of all time mug that he takes everywhere with him?

WHAT WILL HAPPEN????

He drinks all the coffee in his own personal mug and goes outside to the car

where he re-fills from a thermos in his car, at which point he returns

to his booth in the restaurant and finishes his breakfast.

This is OFB.

Other examples of OFB:

Bringing a jar of peanut butter with you to breakfast so you can have it on your waffles.

Taking home all the napkins and sweetner packets left on your table after eating.

Obsessively asking what I am going to wear to church every week

Filling up a shed in your backyward with toilet paper and paper towels.

I have pondered, many times in the past few years, about the inevitability of exhibiting OFB. Is it just destiny? Must we all become Old Farts at some point? Were this Panera Couple always Old Farts or were they once cool hipsters toking a couple of doobies before they swayed to the bangin' tunes. He of the flowing natty locks and she of the granny skirts and tie dye? Did they watch SNL when Chevy Chase was just a young pup signed off saying "I am Chevy Chase-- and you're not" and laugh their butts off at the landsharks? Did they Cruise the Boulevard back in the day and laugh at their parents who were Old Farts? Did he have a Charger? Did he drag for pinks?

How does this transition happen?

Does it start when 8:00pm is just too dang late to go out to a movie?

When you watch the clock because you know 5:00 is too early for pajamas--

but is 6:00pm?????

When Peri-menopause is another roommate?

And you wear........... bi-focals?

And what about my friends who are just a few years younger and still having BABIES?

Will they have to teach their kids to find their car keys?

Will they bring a sippy cup to the restaurant AND their favorite cup too?

It boggles the mind......

I worry that I will exhibit more and more OFB

I worry that I ALREADY AM!!

Obi Wan Kenobi............... Keep me from OFB... you're my only hope....

Vegan Parmesan Cheese Recipe

2011-09-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

Helloooooo!
Welcome to the Reluctant Vegan Chef Show!

Today we are going to make Raw Vegan 'Parmesan Cheese"
You can make saute this with some onions for a nice little snaaack. You can spread it on a crrracker. A Ritz cracker. A saaaaltine cracker. Or on bread. On rye bread. On puuuumpernickle bread. Or if you are celebrating the Jewish holidays you can make a loaf and shape it into the bust of a friend or if someone is getting married or bar mitzphad. Or if you have a cat or a dog they love vegan so make sure you SAVE THE FAKE ORGAN MEAT!! Don't throw it away, I hope I made my point!

So what you want to do is take your raw almonds and your sesame seeds and your nutritional yeast flakes and you want to grind them up in your food processor!
And it will taste just almost like something that kind of looks like parmesan cheese......
Sorta.....

It reminds me of a time when I was a little girl and I gave my dog some nutritional yeast and.... I think I am going to go to sleep now......

SAVE THE LIVER!!

BLAST FROM THE PAST: CLICK HERE

My Pancreas & Target

2011-09-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

I am not really sure that I know exactly what is going on here but the last 3 times I have gone to Target I have had a very bad low blood sugar episode.

Remember that I have a Insulin Resistant Pancreas that is a little testy.

If you missed that post, CLICK HERE

This is how I can tell:

I start sweating profusely. At first this is similar to a hot flash but it quickly progresses on to other symptoms. I start feeling confused. My legs are wobbly. I am ravenous. I feel as if I may faint.

I look in my purse for my emergency rations and gobble something down. I usually keep some trail mix or some starbursts in there for this very reason. Today the only thing I could find were tic tacs. I ate about 20 of them. Not helping. I decide to get out before I pass out and grab a bottle of sugary soda (which I never drink normally) and guzzle it down

Before I pay for it!

CLICK HERE FOR IMPORTANT SOUND EFFECT

I know, right? How ghetto is that?

But it seemed better than fainting.

I got through the line, paid for my empty soda bottle and headed to the car where I wolfed down two little bags of trail mix I had just bought. And I waited for the low feeling to pass knowing that I headache was sure to follow. Which it did. My hair was 3/4 wet from sweating and my shirt was also pretty pitted out. And I felt like barfing from the junk food which I never eat any more.

Fun, right?

I do not know why this only seems to happen at Target

I don't know if it is because my pancreas really LOVES Target and gets so excited when I go in there that it just gets all jumpy and hormone making happy

Of if my pancreas HATES Target and makes spiteful insulin so I have to leave faster

Either way, I know two things:

#1 Target INSPIRES the Pancreas

#2 I am gonna have a good meal right before I go in there next time and be sure
my emergency kit is in my purse!

Okay maybe three things

I will promise my pancreas some Hello Kitty bandaids if it behaves!
It always worked with Lauren!

Congrats David & Connie!

2011-09-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

A New Sign!

David & Connie

Always Together

Always

Today

Tomorrow

The Day After Tomorrow

Next Saturday

He Is Waiting Outside The Bathroom Door While You Go Potty

He Is Watching You Sleep

Next Month

Every Moment

Every Day

Until You DIE

And If You Are Mormon

All Throughout Eternity

And Beyond Into The Universe

Past The Earth

Past The Sun

Past The Solar System

All The Way

Vega

Yoda

2011-09-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

Huzzah!! Now that it has been determined that I did not have a silent heart attack I can get back to the exercise program!!! I had re-joined the local YMCA prior to the "PSYCHE! WE WERE JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE HEART ATTACK" medical appointment and once I was cleared I got right back over there to celebrate! I decided that I am going to make good use of all my recent REALITY CHECKS about my health and experiment with a variety of new experiences.

The schedule listed a Yoda class that was to take place at 6:00pm that evening. That sounded great because I always jump at the chance to hone my Jedi Master skills. These are highly prized on my home planet, Vega. I made you a diagram of the YMCA building:

As you come in the front entrance the YODA room(aka Hippopotamus Excersie Enclosure) is directly to your left. Since the YMCA is not just about exercise but also about entertainment, the rooms are fully visable with floor to ceiling windows and a lounge area with bistro tables and comfy chairs for your viewing pleasure. In the equipment room (aka the Serengeti Treadmill Jungle) chocolate chip cookies are hung just of out reach prompting runners to go faster and faster trying to catch the elusive treat! To your right is the Pool Area (aka Marine Mammal Habitat) where you can watch whale-like creatures swim back and forth while listening to CDs of Whale Songs.

Back to my Yoda class. I could see right away that I have very little control over my body. This is not my fault. The Feng Shui in the room was way off and my chi was disturbed. The room was darkened so the people in the viewing area could see better and there was a CD playing of waves crashing on the beach which only served to make me need to go to the restroom. Occasionally a lone judgemental seagul cry broke the serenity. These were very rude seagulls, as they so often tend to be. This one kept screeching "FAT" "MAN HATER" "FART" and other less nice things. I sat with legs folded..... hands relaxed to my sides...... cleared my mind......And then I heard him. It was Yoda.... "use the Force, LeAnn.... The Force...... " Slowly I was able to lift first one leg... then the other leg.... then I was able to levitate---- the cookies from the excerise room into my gym bag for later. The force is so handy.
The instructor continued in a low, calm voice...... calm.....soothing....child pose.....extended child pose.....no judgment.....just happiness.....empty your mind.......love your body......deep cleansing breath.....sundial pose.......inhale as you bring your arms in........exhale as you bring your arms down into heart pose.....inhale.....exhale....inhale....exhale.....feel the room spinning..... inhale the cookie....exhale the cookie breath.....now stand with your legs straight and your back straight and your shoulders back with energy but be relaxed at the same time.....lean over placing your palms flat on the floor... do not think about farting.....now that you have that pose lift your right leg until it is perpindicular to your back and hold.......keeping your palms flat on the floor take your other leg and place your pinkie toe in your right nostril.... keeping your hands on the floor focus on your left earlob... focus..... focus..... now lift your hands to the sun.... do not fall over.... do not fart.....good, good.... now clear your mind.... breathe... float gently to the floor... yes.....yeesssssss, assume the corpse pose.... slow your breathing..... more... more..... now stop breathing entirely....good.... now slow your heart.... slow.....slower.......now stop your heart altogether... goood.... don't you feel relaxed? Walk into the Force..... become one with the light.....

Good Class!!!
See You Next Time!!!

When Zombies Eat Your Cooler

2011-08-29T18:32:00.000-07:00

If you are one of my Facebook friends you know that Saturday I was ~~incarcerated~~ ~~trapped~~ ~~imprisoned~~ ~~tied up to a chair~~ stuck in a movie theater when there was a power outage. While waiting to figure out how long it would be before they offered us free tickets (20 minutes as it turns out) I postulated via Facebook that it was possible that the Zombie Apocalypse was taking place outside.
That is how these things work, you know.
Not that I am a big fan of scary movies, mind you, I just believe in being prepared. So my sister and I sat there for quite some time and goofed off; the air conditioning was working, the lights were on, we had snacks and no where we needed to be. Plus, there were those Zombies out there. Eventually they re-booted the movie and when we walked out we got free passes for next time. When we opened the doors and exited the building there wasn't a zombie to be seen. And so we figured we had dodged the bullet.

Au contrair, mon ami!

These are crafty zombies. They had distracted me with the power outage just long enough to locate my rental property, climb on the roof, chew through the water line and disapeer without leaving nary a trace of their dastardly deed.

Until my daughter in law found this on the guest bathroom ceiling.

My son, who is ever so handy, popped the water bubble and cut out part of the ceiling so he could see what was going on.

What was going on was water damage caused by leakage from the water line that feeds the evaporative cooler on the roof. If you are not familiar with an evaporative cooler I will explain that in a bit.

This is just terrific news because if there is anything better than waiting 4 weeks to find out if you had a heart attack it is finding out that your rental property has major property damage.

So I called my insurance claims department to file a claim today.

This is basically how it went:

Ring ring.... hold hold....explain explain... transfer.... hold hold...explain explain... transfer..... hold...explain...transfer.......ring ring...... "Ah Namaste! What can Abu do to help your unfortunate situation?"
Not really. His name was Mike

Me: I need to file a homeowners claim
Mike: Great I will be ectastic to assist you in any possible way I can as long as it doesn't involve finding out if you had a heart attack!
Me: Okay, so my roof has water damage
Mike: Yes we are getting a lot of calls today like that, how much rain did you get?
Me: No rain. I am in Southern California
Mike: I am sorry, miss, but Hurricane Irene did not pass through Southern California
Me: No, I know that. It was my swamp cooler
Mike: Your what?
Me: My swamp cooler--- my evaporative cooler. The water line was chewed through by zombies on saturday while I was detained in a movie theater and now my ceiling is threatening to fall.
Mike: I am sorry, can you please explain this?
Me: We were watching a movie and everything went black and so then my sister and I sat there for awhile because it was cool and we had snacks and we were figuring that they would give us free passes eventually if we sat there long enough...........
Mike: Not the movie, I meant the Swamp Thing
Me: Oh sorry.... Okay an evaporative cooler (also called a swamp cooler) is a unit that can sit on your roof or the side of your house. There are straw pads on three sides. (about this time I find myself speaking with a southern twang). Water is pumped into the bottom of the unit where a pump sucks it up and deposits it on the top of the pads where it trickles down causing the air that is generated with a big hamster wheel to become cool and forced into the house.
Mike: Are you Sh**ting me?
Me: No.... I am not.
Mike: And you have this big old thing on your roof?
Me: Yes
Mike: This is a trailer, right? In a trailer park?
Me: We prefer to call them 'Mobile Homes' and my last one did have a swamp cooler, but no this one is on a house.
Mike: Well, dammit now I have heard it all.
Me: Can we get on with this, my fried alligator meat is getting done and you gotta eat that right out of the bacon grease or it just isn't the same.
Mike: Okay, well all of our agents have been sent to the East Coast to handle claims caused by Non-Zombie related acts of nature. I will have the local claims adjuster give you a call when they get back in town. It should be about the same amount of time you have been waiting to find out if you had a heart attack. In other words, in about a month we will tell you we lost your claim and you will have to start all over again.
Me: Awesome

Mike: I do need to know-- it is safe for your family to remain in the house?
Me: That depends.... what are you planning to do about those ZOMBIES???

Words Hurt

2011-08-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

Today someone made several very disparaging remarks about my family.

He called us all FAT people who are eating ourselves to death because we are

MAN HATERS and DISTRUSTFUL!!!!

And that there is something wrong with my sister and I because we live together.

These are statements made in order to cause hurt and anger.

Intended to wound

The Bible says to turn the other cheek.

And my Mother always said "Never buy sheets in a strange town"

(but no one knows what that is supposed to mean so who knows if it even applies)

This person has caused a lot of pain in the past and is likely to keep it up

And that is sad

Today he makes me want to say bad words.

Many bad words

And I prayed "Lord, may I use bad words? Just this once?"

And though a shaft of light did not descend upon me, nor a lightning bolt zap me

I didn't want to lower myself to his level

I decided to use my creative talents to express myself

And so..... I dedicate this to "He Who Shall Not Be Named"

There once was the Ex of my Sis

Who was never too shy to her dis

Though his opinions were noted

They were always out voted

And I give my fat butt for his kiss

How is that for Turning The Other Cheek???

A New Wedding Marquee!!!

2011-08-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

It has been a slow summer for weddings at my

favorite Wedding Marquee Spot.

Finally, something worth reporting

Speechless

2011-08-18T18:23:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to blog tonight because I am

VERY
BUSY

Cooking a wonderful indian flavored meal for my family

BUT

I took a break

And I came across this and it literally made me LOL and think

I am NOT ALL THAT CRAZY AFTER ALL!

YOU MUST CLICK HERE AND SEE THIS

Stress Test Part 2: I AM NOT DEAD!

2011-08-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

I DID IT!!!!

I got through my stress test and I didn't die!

YAY!!

The test was nothing like I expected.

Here is how it went:

I get there in my shorts and sneakers (Stressor #1)

With no makeup in case I sweat (Stressor #2)

I fill out forms and sit in the waiting area with 10 people who look like

they either died already or will do so at any moment (Stressor #3)

But the worst part

The absolute worst part

They turn on a Discovery Channel DVD

Oceans

Oh Yeah

Fish

On a BIG SCREEN

(Extreme Stressor)

Fish

Schools of Fish

Millions of tiny fish swarming around

Trillions of fish

Oh For The Love Of All That Is Holy--

WHAT KIND OF SICK FREAKS

ARE THESE PEOPLE????

THEY REALLY DO WANT

ME TO DIE HERE!!

Then they took off the electrodes and the blood pressure cuff

and told me my doctor should have the results in 5-7 days.

See no big deal, right?

NO BIG DEAL??? ANOTHER 5-7 DAYS OF WONDERING
IF THE PAIN IN MY NECK IS MY HEART

TAKING A LITTLE BEATING BREAK???

SERIOUSLY????

Here are other options for the stress tests:

Showing patients their bills

Jumping out and scaring them BOO!!

Making them sneeze with full bladders

Telling them they are pregnant

Telling them their husband is gay

Making them take a road trip with teenagers

Giving them a fake winning lotto ticket

Forcing them to teach drivers ed with 15 year olds

Giving them my job

Stress Test

2011-08-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

Stress Test

Sounds pretty innocent, doesn't it?

Does one pass the test if one is stressed by the test?

Does the level of stress induced by the necessity of the test determine your grade?

Is the stress caused by the inappriopriately casual instructions to

"Eat light so you don't throw up and wear clothing that you are comfortable running in"

is that stress enough to pass the test?

(Cuz they isn't anything on the face of the earth (or on Vega)

that I will be comfortable running in!)

Or is it, as I fear, the actual test itself and the events triggered by the test that are measured?

I am a just a wee bit ~~terrified~~ ~~completely and utterly paralyzed by fear~~ ~~worried~~
mildly curious about how this will all turn out.
I hope that I get my usual stellar grade.

I hope they know how to test aliens from Vega

But should things not turn out so well..... keep in mind......
Big Party
Junk food
Gerbera Daisies

And should you be one of my readers who pray I would welcome your prayers
tomorrow as well as any assorted good thoughts, sunshine and
rainbows, best wishes etc... that anyone wants to toss my way.

Reckless

2011-08-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

How well do you know me.... really?

I crave the rush of adrenaline that comes with living on the edge

Standing with my toes curled over the ledge

and leaning over-- ever so slightly off balance.

To catch a glimpse of danger

Sometimes I quench my thirst for the gentler side with an iced tea--

that calms my psyche for a moment

But there are other days when the urge sweeps over me

like a tsunami of desire to play with fire

My throat burning with need for speed, for danger

Those days I pull out all the stops.

Throw caution to the wind

Laugh off pleas for temperance

Dive deep.....deep.....deep....

Into the swirling maelstrom

and emerge to charge pell mell into life

with bravado and abandon

Ass over tea kettle

Looking for ways to up the ante

More

Some people jump from airplanes

Wrestle alligators

Walk across hot coals

Bungie jump

Swim with sharks

Run with bulls

Shall I poke the beast?

A small sly smile flirting across my mouth

and into my eyes

Shall I look...directly...

into the eyes of the monster

Me?

I wear white clothing

Yeah--- I heard you gasp.

Moreover... shall I poke the beast further?
Shall I look... directly... into the very soul of destiny?

Yay I shall take it further and

Even further out on the branch.......

Drink

Coffee

Why???? WHY???? You gasp

Why do I tease the fates?

Because I cannot be content with the status quo

I cannot mere exist, a proletarian

Somnolent... dazed.... numb......

I must feel

Awake

Alive

The Thing About Eating Vegan

2011-08-13T05:00:00.000-07:00

I know that some of you are still confused by my new status as a citizen of Vega.

It has been just about a month now, you know, since I came out of the closet.

How do I know you are still confused?

The following is the transcript of a recent conversation.

Monica: Explain to me about the Vegan thing again.

Me: I don't eat animal protein

Monica: What exactly does that mean? No meat but what else?

What is the thing about the faces?

Me: The easy way to think of it is that I do not eat anything that has a face

or is made of something that has a face.

Monica: What about rice?

Me: Does rice have a face? No! I can eat rice but I eat brown rice

because I try not to eat processed foods.

Monica: What about the salad dressing you had for dinner?

Me: If I were a good Vegan I would not eat that because it has

cows milk in it and cows have a face.

Monica: What about nuts?

Me: DO FRICKING NUTS HAVE FACES???????

(She hands me this cashew)

This is the kind of supportive family that I live in.

Finally!! Proof!!!

2011-08-12T05:00:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to PetSmart

To Get Some Cat Toys

There were blue ones

And Brown ones

I was wandering around, enjoying the sights

When I rounded the corner and saw....

THE WALL OF DEATH

CLICK HERE!!!!!

I Risked Life and Limb To Get This Close Up So

You Can See For Yourself

THAT THEY DO JUMP FROM TANK TO TANK!!

AND THEY WANT TO GET OUT AND ATTACK HUMANS!

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You!

Psssssssssssst..............

2011-08-11T19:25:00.000-07:00

(Don't Spread This Around: Whole Foods in Santa Clarita is selling Organic Marijuana Seeds)

Sam Has a Spa Day

2011-08-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

Samson

My faithful canine friend

Who, as many others in my household, has a few 'issues'

He does not enjoy going to the groomers

The last three times I have had to pick him up before they were done

and had not gotten to his nails

So yesterday I took him in for a mani-pedi.

His nails were in bad shape. They were very very long and he was

hurting himself when he scratched.

First I gave him some Doggie Downers to put him into a Zen-like state being

One for Sam, one for me. One for Sam, one for me......

Sam was hammered.

He was all like "I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE"

And "I FEEL LIKE I HAVE HAIR ALL OVER MY BODY!!"

We got to the spa and there were many decisions to be made.

The Vietnamese ladies swarmed around him!

"You like Animal!!! You need wax!! I will not hurt you-- PROMISE"

"You want gels or tips? You want callous removal? You want sea salt?"

"Pick a Color! Pick a COLOR!!"

Sam originally thought about getting french tips because when they

grow out you they still look okay for awhile but eventually he picked a lovely

shade of green that really brought out the color of his

eyes, and made the pink portion of his nose really POP!

" You want small flower??"

Eventually he was finished, and we went home.

" DUDE I can't wait to get home and drink from the toilet!!"

Much thanks to some wonderful friends who helped me with my neurotic dog.

Who shed blood once again and got sprayed by a part of Sam that no

should ever even know exists. Yet the smell still lingers many hours later...

In Case Something Happens To Me

2011-08-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

I am going on a short road trip today

This must be said.... just in case.

If something should happen to me I need to get this off my chest.

Plant 42: 4 + 2 = 6

Area 51: 5 + 1 = 6

Do the math

That is all

Something Else You Didn't Know About Me

2011-08-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

Since I am a exceedingly humble person it is possible that very few

of you know an especially facinating fact about me:

I am a published author!

You may not know that many years ago Betty White was not the ultra-hip chick that she is today. If you go back aways.... further.... FURTHER.........waaaay backkk further to say 1970 she was known to be a bit of an animal nut. A true animal activist before PETA was a household name. And she published a book about animals.

In 1970 I was an egg in my mother's ovary but since I was a child prodigy I was also in elementary school. I had a teacher named Mrs. Pyner who was a tad ~~strange~~ ~~odd~~ ~~wack-a-doo~~ eccentric.

She wore all pink all the time.

She was ancient and had wrinkley skin and she always wore bright pink lipstick.

(Picture the lady who owned the dog in There's Something About Mary)

Anyhow.... Mrs Pyner encouraged her most promising students to submit items

to Betty White to be featured in her book.

Guess who had written a non-fictional account of her encounter with a Real Unicorn?

No, NOT ME!! OMG!! Probably some schizophrenic because.....

HELLO? Unicorns are not real.

DUH!

I do not know about Rainbow and her magical unicorn who could kumquat gold coins but I do know of 'someone' who wrote a deeply touching haiku about a deer.

That is right

Thank you..... thank you...... Really please sit down you are starting to embarrass me a little...... Really.... thank you......

The Gopher Tail End (Buahhhahha)

2011-08-03T19:09:00.000-07:00

Gopher Saga (part 2) by Carol Serpico AKA the Gopher Huntress

Sunday, July 24, 2011- Requests for my rodent pest control service have been coming from as far as Tehachapi, Westchester, and Rancho Palos Verdes, California. Yes, news of my successful gopher trapping has traveled fast…..thanks to Facebook, LeAnn, and cyberspace. Which is why I couldn’t give up on Gopher hole #3. This one, wiley, whiskered wodent was weally wiping me out!!! For seven days I had repeatedly placed traps down both of its semi-vertical and lateral tunnels using what our friend, Carlos would describe as the “arm down the hole up to the elbow or shoulder” method as he often sees his wife using in similar lawn battles. Doulas and large animal veterinarians can somewhat relate to this concept. Knowing that a gopher can exert up to 18,000 pounds of pressure per square inch with its bite, only magnifies the serious nature of …..GOPHER HUNTING…and places great risk upon me, the Gopher Huntress, as I place these devices underground. The thin chamois leather gloves offer a false sense of protection during this placement step, but they might keep a few germs from getting under the nails. Dear Lord, if it be Your will…please let me catch this gopher.

Now some of you may think…Carol is one sick woman….(again, I’m reminded there is more than one definition of “sick” nowadays). Allow me to explain….please???? I have witnessed my horse galloping around my back acreage, severely fall, and actually do a somersault. It is the only time I have seen this gymnastics maneuver performed by a horse. Why? One of his hoofs (hooves?) had gone into a gopher, rabbit, or ground squirrel hole!!! Then, only last week, my hubby was standing on a step stool working on removing a hook from our house stucco, when….faster than you can say, “Bob’s your uncle” he was lying on the ground…his glasses had fallen off…and his foot was caught up in the bottom of the stool…(for a split second I thought—a giant human trap)…I feared he was hurt. “Why did he fall?” you ask. One of the stool legs had sunk into a gopher hole!!!! A gopher HOLE I tell ye!!! Hearing him say, “I’m alright,” produced a great sigh of relief out of me. It was immediately followed by a great deal of laughter upon discovering that his back had landed squarely onto a pile of…um…. doggie stools (or cumquats). I have greater fear now when I am atop the 10 foot ladder, trimming trees, with the electric saw in hand, hoping the front lawn doesn’t give way under one of the ladder feet!!

Anyhoooooo! I have decided to try the BIG TRAP this time, known to hunters as …....the BLACK BOX.

Now, the BLACK BOX can only be used in a BIG tunnel. I had to use a BIG shovel to open up a BIG area. It also needs to have 4 inches of clearance above the box…. for when the mechanism is triggered. I placed the open end of the BLACK BOX snugly against the opening of the lateral tunnel, then gingerly placed an old maroon bath towel over the construction site. (Out of the towel crawled the biggest BLACK Widow I’ve ever seen)…the IRONY!!!……note to self: don’t leave car-washing towels outside to dry for more than a month. Bleeeh-eh-eh-eh!!... I promptly squashed him with my shoe. (I’m reminded of the times…back in “the day” when I used to get the eebie jeebies just crushing an ant with my finger….okay, Carol, stay focused)
So….I felt like such a kid…..I had to peek under the towel twice today……but Gopher #3 was laying low, keepin’ on the down-low…..snoozin’ for a bruisin’…

Neener Neener Neener!!

Monday, July 25- I got up…again…with that ole’ ….”can’t wait to check the BLACK BOX” excitement…….decided I’d better eat breakfast first….then I eagerly jogged to the “construction site—building a better front yard”. I sheepishly pinched one corner of the car towel, and threw it back (still a little eebie jeebie-ish from the BLACK WIDOW yesterday). I grabbed a firm hold of the new hay baling cord, which I had attached to the BLACK BOX contraption yesterday, and felt a new added weight. My eyes caught a glimpse of fur in the early morning light…and then,……”YES! A BACK END AND TAIL!!!” A new hymn came to mind, “Hallelujah, ……..hallelujah, hallelujah!”

Just as a fisherman measures his catch…and takes pictures of it….just as a deer hunter counts the points on the antlers and mounts it on the wall…..the GOPHER HUNTRESS took measurements and pictures to note this momentous occasion.

I will spare you…unless my editor requests these.
[She does not wish to see the gory proof-- we take your word for it]
Don’t worry, I am not one of those hunters who likes taxidermy. I do not find the stuffed JACKALOPES amusing. If you have never seen one of these, then you haven’t traversed through enough antique shops. In case someone (like a daughter of mine) doesn’t know what a Jackalope is, I’ll tell you. It’s when the bored mid-west farmer has a little spare time on his hands, so he takes a dead rabbit, adds tiny antlers to it, stuffs/preserves it, and mounts it into a decorative, usually seated position…. for visitors to his farmhouse to admire and question.

So, I know the Lord loves a cheerful giver. I released the dead gopher into the large half-moon 2007 gopher war-zone section by the circular driveway.

Within the hour, the raven that lives in the pine trees next door hobbled over. It has an injured leg and wing. It was… probably shot at by a c r u e l bird hunter last year.
I’ll spare you any more details to my story.
The raven was happy, and I was….well…..I was cheerful.

July 31, 2011- I am currently battling GOPHER #5.
[Final note from LeAnn-- she is still catching more gophers. You will have to check out her facebook page.]

Snail Cruise

2011-08-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

Today my youngest neice turns the big 1-2.
Before her brothers went back home to Utah (cough*UTARDS*cough) we went to lunch to celebrate early. Becca picked Red Lobster. I didn't really think anything of it. Sure, she hates fish but she likes shrimp so it made sense.
We get to Red Lobster and she orders chicken.
Chicken at Red Lobster
Personally I am nomming down on a sad little salad and some brocoli.
And none of the lovely biscuits..... or my favorite salmon.......
Well, Becca's chicken dinner had a side of crab legs, the sight of which inspires her to instruct her brother to GET THAT OFF MY PLATE!!!
Because
She can't STAND the smell of fish.
She who could have chosen any restaurant.
My nephews are flabbergasted by this! And their mom comes to her defense reminding them that when they all went on a cruise she ate snails but didn't like them

This prompted my favorite quote of the day

"But mom, when you picked a cruise you didn't pick a SNAIL cruise"

Touche, Scooter. Touche!!

Glitch in my Giddy-up

2011-08-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

Day 12 of the Vegan Occupation:

We currently are experiencing mixed results.
Blood Pressure: Good
Blood Glucose: Down about 25 points average. Still not normal, but better
Weight: Down 30 lbs
Pretty good but other icky issues are coming to light.
And so new tests will be done.
And my new exercise program is being put on hold.

See this is what happens when you go to the doctor.
They find stuff

Otherwise the new diet is going well.
Tonight for dinner I made Pad Thai which was yummy.
Rice noodles are pretty good!

Betrayal

2011-07-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

Dis is Malley Kat.
I em tiping this 4 Sam cuz he dont tipe so goodly.
And i dont hab thums so it is difitculted

Mom hab losted her mine
She dont eated meets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And she not sharingly ice creamys
and milks in her searels--- not milk!!!!!
What is en de cerals?

Otter day she geb Sam dis ting looks lick chickies butz
NOT CHIKENS!!!!!!!!!
Sam spitten it outz cuz itz ickygrossinesses
We don no whaz goinks on heres butz we needings de helpeds!

SEND HELPEDZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

!

Bella

2011-07-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

A very good friend has lost a very good friend today. I wanted to send love along to Janet.

Her violet eyes twinkled as she waited and watched

For her new friend to arrive

She knew it would not be long now

And so she had gathered them all to greet her

Remember, she said, be gentle

For we know her better than she us

We have been waiting to say hello

But this is all new for her

Remember how we too were new

Confused, expectant, excited

Feeling like we were young again

With all the energy and joy we had lost

Remember she will be a little sad

She has left much love behind her

But soon she will know that she has not left it behind

But brought it along with her to enjoy

She will see that there are butterflies to chase

And the softest grass beneath the trees for naps

And the sweetest breeze

See, here she is now!

Come along everyone and say hello

To sweet Bella

Carol: The Gopher Huntress

2011-07-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

In the interest of proving to the world that I am NOT the only ~~crazy~~ ~~odd~~ ~~weird~~ ~~eccentric~~ quirky person around here we have another guest blogger today: Carol Serpico. I was compelled to ask her to tell her story because she has been making multiple posts on facebook about The Great Gopher War of 2011 and I thought this just was something that needed to be told. At the time of this posting the War continues.... lucky for the gophers Carol goes back to work in another month.....

And so I give you........... Gopher Saga – Part 1 by Carol Serpico AKA the Gopher Huntress

I have been called many things like Mom, Honey, Nana, and Carol (and others)….but new names are emerging…..Gopha Wrangla, Gopher Whisperer, Gopher Guru, Gopher Hunter, and my personal favorite….”Gopher Huntress”. The Antelope Valley, in my neck of the desert, is now known as Death Valley (kind of like….uh…Sister Cities, if you will).

Sunday, July 17, 2011 It all started when my husband went away. I thought, “I’ll surprise him, and thin out the huge Sycamore trees on our front yard. Oooohhh…that will be fun to use the electric saw, and the job will go quicker!” I finished that job….and it took all day. Then I noticed the brown patches of grass….er…dirt…amongst the clumps of green. Thar’ be gophers still churning up the underworld!!! Sure, Phil had recently been tossing smoking dynamite-like sticks into gopher, ground squirrel, and rabbit burrows. I had sprinkled gopher pellets into a couple of tunnels, but it begged the question, “How do we really know if there’s been…A KILL????” I did some exterior stucco patching on the house….to mentally prepare for what ….was…..about to begin………..drum roll…………….wait for it………THE GOPHER SAGA!!!!!

There were three mounds of dirt that kept emerging on our only semi-good section of our front lawn every morning. We would water them down or use a shovel to spread the dirt and rocks. Even our 2 (almost 3) year old grandson would ask for Nana’s little shovel when he would see a mound of dirt. He sure loved to shovel the dirt onto the concrete driveway…..so helpful… ;) . The main holes were given the very creative names of Hole #1, Hole #2, and the eastern most hole was….you guessed it…Hole #3. I proceeded to set a trap in each, camouflaging the opening with a brick and some iris leaves.

At the start of gopher hunting season (which is whenever I am not working…and I’m procrastinating from doing a necessary domestic responsibility), I feel a teensy weensy bit of guilt as I haul out the big guns.

Then I read about my pastor going fishing. I sing the song (in my head) about,”…all things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small…all things wise and won-der-ful…the Lord God made them all…” and the guilt dissipates rapidly.

Monday morning, July 18, 2011—I awakened like a child on Christmas morning…excited to go out and check the traps. I decided it might be best to eat breakfast,… first,…though. Alrighty then! Gingerly stepping across to the west side of the lawn, I knelt beside Gopher #1’s hole. I pulled on the hay bale cord which is attached to the trap, and little threads started to break from the cord. Oh, my! That would be tragic, I’d best replace this cord….should I need to reset this trap. One more slight tug, and out popped the Victor Gopher trap, without so much as a whisker on it!!!! I stomped over to Hole #2, scooped out the loosened earth that the little critter had sealed his entrance with to block out the dastardly desert winds, and HOLY GOPHER HAIR …I pulled out Gopher #2!!!! YAHOOOO!

I flung the gopher, with trap still attached, into the dirt half-moon section by the circular driveway….it used to be a beautiful grassy area…until the gopher invasion of 2007, but that folks….is another story. Marching on to Hole #3, I pulled the trap out and “Nada!” It is now that I recorded these events briefly to my Facebook journal for those that like to read (by choice or mistake) and so I can vent and get some typing practice.

I meandered back to reset my Victor device in Hole #1, and much to my amazement, shock, and awe….the green-loving gopher had already closed its front door!!! This is when I must stick the water hose down, to reopen all tunnels, and carefully insert the trap without triggering it on an underground root or one of my fingers. I also reset Hole #3’s trap with not one, but TWO this time. Did you know that a gopher has one main tunnel which usually is about 6 feet long going down at a 45 degree angle. A lateral tunnel connects to it closer to the main entrance/exit which the critter uses to remove dirt from his underground cavity. I set one trap in each of these two main arteries.

My hubby came home for lunch. I shared my kill with him….”No! Heavens NO!!!! I mean, I told him all about the hunt. I explained that I saved the honor of releasing Gopher #2 from the trap, for him. He was….well……honored!!!! Who gets to do THAT every day. Hey, hey, hey!!! Some of my friends, by the way, came up with some clever dishes for possible future meals…..Gopher on a Stick, Gopher Quiche, Beer Battered Deep Fried Furry Cheek Pouched Gopher, and Chocolate Covered G-dude. Yeah….sick-minded people (use your own definition of “sick”). Remember, I didn’t come up with these entrees….sorry, this story is not for the faint of heart.

They Look All Innocent....... Don't Be Fooled!!

Tomorrow………….is……another day!!!!

Men Are From Mars... Women Are From Venus...

2011-07-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

Yes we all read the books.....
Men Are From Mars.... Women Are From Venus....
Humans are from Earth
But me?

I am from Vega

Vega is the brightest star in the constellation Lyra and the 5th brightest star in the night sky. Vega is 25 light years from Earth and is about 2.1 time the mass of your Sun, which explains why I am so much heavier than pretty much everyone I know. That is right, it really is genetic.

It took me almost 49 years to figure it out but now that I know it really does explain a lot.   Never mind how I got here That is a story for another day. The important thing is that I am here now.

That is right.
I am coming out:   I am a Vegan
That is "Vay-Gun" not "Veee-gun"
Veeeguns are humans who do not shave their legs and/or armpits, wear wrinkly skirts with tie-dyed t-shirts made out of hemp, do not vaccinate their kids or their animals, wear their hair in dreadlocks and drink algae.

Like those hippies on earth, people from my home planet do not ingest animal protein of any kind. No dairy or meat or fish or eggs. Not even the more obscure things like crickets, dogs, sushi, meal worms, cats or humans. (Aren't you glad about that last one?)

Because I picked up a nasty human virus that apparently damaged my pancreas and made it 'Meh' and I am also not able to ingest other items such as sugar, honey, processed food products or oil.

We Ethnic Vegans try to have a good attitude, however, so we have a few mottos:
"Legumes are your friends"
"You will not die without chocolate"
"Nothing is more fun than exercise"
"You will not die without chocolate"
"We really hope that vegetables don't turn out to have souls"
"No you can't make tofu taste like chocolate"
"Partially hydrogenatied soybean products taste like chicken"
"Carob tastes better than chocolate"
"What happens on Vega, stays in Vega"

Earthlings, please do not fear me. I have been living among you for a very long time. We do not mean you any harm.
Just turn over the chocolate and no one gets hurt.

Guess What I Am?

2011-07-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

So did I tell you guys that my doctor is trying to play the "Oh, you are a type 2 diabetic" card on me? They even falsified my A1C blood test to show that I am 'insulin resistant'. Me? Resistant? I AM NOT RESISTANT? I am the most compliant, easy going person you are ever going to find. Try to label me? Are you serious?
But in the interest of getting an "A" on my next blood test (because I have to keep my GPA up you know) I have been testing my blood every morning which is obviously a complete waste of time because obviously someone has been tampering with my test strips and my meter because every dang morning it is high I don't know how they are doing it. But I know they are. I am going to buy a new one today. Then we will see who has high blood glucose!
Okay fine I will play along with their little game. Watch what I eat blah blah blah..... get some exercise blah blah blah go out and do some shoplifting and sleeping around blah blah blah*
Just to kiss up to the doctor I even hired on a health coach and met with her on Sunday. She is just the type of person who usually makes me wonder what I did to make God mad at me because she is cute and thin and blond and really nice. And she is going to help me reverse my (supposed) diabetes without medication. This is the plan anyhow. And how will she do it? By brow beating me until my spirit is broken? By dragging me to the gym and screaming at me about what a big loser I am?
Sure she probably wants to do those things. But no..... she wants me to become....

A Vegan

(Insert Scary Music Here)

A VEGAN!!
I will give you some time to absorb that

*Apologies to my very wonderful Vegan friends who are perfectly lovely people, shave their armpit hair and do not have dreadlocks. You guys know I am just kidding, right? By the way, can I get a medical marijuana card for having diabetes? Cuz pricking my finger really stings.

A Kumquat Tail *

2011-07-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

I am aware that some of you, my dear readers, are faint of heart. Delicate flowers. Sensitive. And so, in the interest of you comfort as you read today I will substitute the word 'kumquat' for canine feces.

A few nights ago Chandra and I took Sam to the dog park to get some ex....ex...exer......exer...... movement in a forward direction causing our muscles to move. About 15 feet into the park Sam starts sniffing around the grass and walking in circles and I have that moment of panic and realization that he has a dirty deed in mind.

In a split second I weigh my options:
A) I drop the leash and casually walk away. Then I run to my car and peel out of there. I drive home and tell the family that Sam went to live on a farm in the country.
B) I hold up the leash and shout "DID SOMEONE LOSE THEIR DOG?"
C) Go have Chandra get some kumquat bags that the City of Lancaster has so thoughtfully provided every few 100 yards around the park along with a sign that says "Be A Responsible Dog Owner-- Pick Up Their Kumquat".
Meanwhile Sam has commenced with kumquat horror. He is walking in an elliptical shape (not a circle) dropping kumquats as he walks along every 6-8 inches. I do not understand why he does this. Does he try to set the stage so he can walk away afterwards having confused people around him into not being sure who's dog it came from? Is he just so impressed with himself that he needs to be able to see what he has done? I don't know. What I do know is when he is finished and sitting there looking innocent and I am standing there still weighing my options and Chandra is not quite back with the kumquat bag, a woman walks right by me and loudly proclaims " Aw cain't stand it when peoples let their dayum dogs do their bidness and don't take care of it!" And I was like "Did she really just say that to me while I am standing right here awaiting the arrival of my kumquat baggie?" YES, SHE REALLY DID! So I said to her "I am going to take care of it in a minute when my friend brings me a kumquat baggie. I stayed here so no one would step in the kumquat!" Which is mostly true. It is 87% true. Because there was still 11% of me that wanted to choose option B and 2% that was yet undecided. But I didn't. I cleaned up the yucky kumquat and we started off on our walk.
10 minutes later Sam starts the whole process over again. Sniff Sniff Circle Circle Sniff Ellipse... drop a kumquat or 5. I was like "OH NO YOU DID NOT DO THAT AGAIN!!" And Sam just looked up at me and said "What?" Then he looks over at the kumquats and says "Dang, someone just dropped a kumquat right where I was standing a minute ago!" So I get some kumquat baggies and clean up. AGAIN. Where is all this kumquat coming from? Has he been saving it? What the heck?
We finish 2 laps. Guess what Sam starts doing? Well first he was sitting down and panting because he isn't any more used to this kind of ex....e...exer.....ex... walking than we are. But then.... sniff snifff..... circle circle.... kumquat...kumquat.
I became a tornado of anger. A big one. Not one of those wimpy Micro-Bursts of anger. I mean a full blown level 4 on the Richter scale ** tornado. I start to lift up my hand with the leash in it and shout "WHOSE KUQUATTY DOG IS THIS!!!!" when Chandra gives me this look like she would hate me forever if I walked off, ran to my car and left Sam with her. And Sam? He just looked up at me with those sweet, brown puppy dog eyes and said "What?"

* Yes I am still mocking Wayne. Last time I swear. Probably.

** Yes, I know that tornados are not rated on the Richter scale. It was a joke people. A joke. Hurricanes are rated with the Richter scale.

Wayne Guest Blogs!!

2011-07-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers; As I have told you before, for all the things that I share with you about my family and friends there are many many more things that I do not share. I ask permission to share. Which goes to show you the extent of dork-it-tude that I live with. So when I heard that my very good friend (sadly without benefits had broken his foot I knew I needed to blog about it. And so I asked for permission. No answer. Then I politely asked his son to get pictures. He cyber-laughed... nervously... So I finally told him that he could write his own story and tell it his way... So here it is peeps.
I give you W.R.R. and the Story Of His Broken Foot:

"I’m not a fundamentally funny person like the regular author of this blog, but I am stupid and I don’t mind telling you about it. I guess that’s Geeez asked me to guest blog about my recent tragedy. The way I see it is that either I tell you, or Geeez will mine my embarrassment for laughs and blog hits. I could put link after link here to prove my point, but why contribute to the insanity by helping you find the story of her sister’s recent toilet paper trail, or her telling of said sister’s alleged difficulty navigating anywhere, or her niece’s [fill in the blank]. Regular Geeezers know what I’m talking about and understand why I decided to tell my story here first.

I’m not good with long tails so I decided to tell it this way:

THIS

Admittedly, that’s not really my foot. This is my foot. Prepare yourself: this is really gross but Geeez begged me for it. When I wouldn’t take the picture she pestered my son relentlessly on Facebook to get her a picture even if it meant villainy.

Now that you’ve been warned, here it is, Frankenfooter:

THIS IS LEANN NOW:
I would like to remind you all that I only mock those that I love. I would like to but the ugly truth is that I am an equal opportunity mocker. I will mock those I love plus anyone I see in public plus my cats plus things I hear about plus things that only exist in my own mind.
First, I have to mock Wayne.
Incidently I do love Wayne. Deeply and truly. He is my oldest friend (not chronologically though he is a week older than I) which goes to show the deepth of mental shakiness on his part.
This phrase made me lol: "I am not good with long tails" ROFLOL   Are you good with little short tails like a boxer puppy has? How about little cotton tails? DID YOU MEAN "TALES"????   And he is a college graduate people. heh
Anyhow.......
I love the fact that there are people in my life to remind me that they are equally dorky. Yes I can spend 20 minutes searching for my cell phone while I am talking on it but at least when I broke my leg it was a fall in the shower like normal people. Not falling off a 2" high sidewalk.
So now that I let him tell his own story let me share the story that I might have told had I been that kind of friend.
Alternate Story #1:   Giant earthquake hits the Bay Area. Ordinary hero Wayne is out walking in the park contemplating life when the shaker hits. He sees a little baby bunny (with a short little tail because remember he isn't good with long tails) is hopping perilously close to the edge of a crevasse that has opened up!!!   Fire and brimestone are shooting out of the crevasse (because it is the earths very core which has been exposed) (yeah it is one very bad earthquake- but not The Big One. That one is still coming) His brilliant mind makes the intricate calculations in an instant. Baby Bunny + Lava Spewing Crevasse = OMG DEAD BABY BUNNY!!!! (insert scary music here).   And so he leaps across the sidewalk and grabs the bunny just as it was toppling over the side. The bunny hops safely away. But Wayne is crippled.
Alternate Story #2: Alien Spacecraft hovers over the Bay Area. Ordinary hero Wayne is putting out the trash in his back yard. Because even when there are aliens hovering overhead civilisation must be upheld-- the trash still has to go out dammit!   He sees a stray dog rooting in his neighbors can. The dogs owners have left it behind when they fled the city. They justify this decision because everyone knows that aliens eat humans, not dogs, right? Wayne sees that there is an alien Sucker-Up-Into-The-Alien-Spacecraft-Ray scanning the area and heading right for the dog. Wayne does the math:   Doggie + Sucker Ray = Rover Gets Anal Probbed.   Math isn't really Waynes strong suit and in his adrenaline flooded brain he forgets that aliens don't suck up dogs. But he forgot that and dives for the dog and grabs it just nano-seconds before the Sucker Upper Ray gets him. As he falls with the squirming pup in his arms the dogs paw tromps right on his foot breaking it badly.   While he thinks bad words and hops on the other foot he doesn't notice that the Sucker Upper ray has happened upon him and last we see of Wayne is as he floats up to the Mother Ship.
Alternate Story #3:  Wayne is walking through the foyer of his office building when two men in black suits and sunglasses come up behind him, stick a gun in his ribs and order him to act normally and start for the elevators. Once inside the elevator the shorter of the two, the one without the gun, pushes a button. An unlabeled button-- and the elevator starts moving-- downward.   After an interminable time the elevator shudders to a stop, the doors open, and Wayne is ushered down a brightly lit corridor to a windowless room. He is strapped into a armless chair and a bright light is turned on, blinding him to the identity of his kidnappers who leave their sunglasses on none the less. Feigning a bravado he didnt feel Wayne looks him in the eye and demands an explanation. "I demand an explanation!!" he says. "Don't look stupid, you know why you are here!" short guy counters. Clearly he is the brains of the partnership. "I don't!" says Wayne "I really am stupid! I swear!" Shorty raises back his hand to strike our hero and just at that instant Wayne shoots out his foot, which he worked free, and catches him square in the jaw. The pain from his broken foot explodes all the way up his body, but he puts up one hell of a fight. Wayne gets loose, leaves the unconscious hoodlums in a heap, grabs the elevator up to his floor and limps to his desk. He hasn't broken a sweat and he is still 7 minutes early for work.

Frankenfooter, indeed.

When Your Luck Runs Out

2011-07-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

You guys know that I am an adrenalin junkie.

I live on the edge. Every day.

And when you live on the edge you are always aware that the balance

of power in the universe can right itself at any time

You know that if you push you luck time after time that eventually your

luck will run out and the inevitable will happen.

Ms Blind Justice and her balances will not be thwarted indefinitly.

No! She will not be thwarted!!

So it is smart to be mindful as we tottle along from day to day to day that today---

YEA THIS VERY DAY--

may be the last day that one gets away with something that goes against

the very balance of nature itself.

Stealthy they are.

The passionate ones. The healthy ones. Your Southern Sweeties. Your blacks.

Whites Greys The tarts. The ones that are just peachy.

And among all these diverse individuals you have the evil ones.

They skirt the edges of all that is right with the world. They are a little 'off'.

They are cold as ice... willing to sacrifice our love......

They look like the others but they are poison inside.

Today may well be the day that the axe finally falls.

You know what I am speaking of........

Yes, that is right.

Ice Tea

Oh Yea though I walk through the valley of the Inconsistant Ice Tea Dilemma

I will not live in fear of what the first sip will tell me.

Will it be too strong?

Will it taste like dirt?

Will it be smooth and lightly fruity or will it be syrupy sweet and taste of Passion Fruit?
WHAT IS PASSION FRUIT ANYHOW?????

Has anyone ever seen a passion fruit? And how did they end up in my ice tea?

Will it be just right awaiting a packet of Equal?

Or worst of all....

Horror of horrors.......

Will it have that watermelon-like taste of rancid gutter sludge???

(SHUDDER)

Oh you cannot tell by looking at its deceptivly refreshing-ness.

All icy and sweaty in it's glass

For the best of the best and the worst of the worst LOOK JUST THE SAME!

WHY?????

WHY???

And so every time -- EVERY SINGLE TIME-- you tremble with anticipation of that first sip.

Your heart starts racing

Little beads of sweat form on your upper lip

What will be your fate today??????

I Told You I Love You Once.... What Do You Expect Of Me??

2011-07-13T18:13:00.000-07:00

This marriage is brought to you by the Law Offices at Divorce.com and the author of the new best seller "Communication: What A Load Of Crap"

Monica's Birthday

2011-07-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Monica's Birthday

She turned 50

Well almost anyhow.....

Her sweet daughter got her TWO cute watches

And do you know why?

Because she is her mom. And you have to be sweet to your mom

But you don't have to be sweet to your younger sister because every single

day of her life she has stolen the spotlight away from you. She was always cuter

and thinner and had better fingernails than me.

It started with my crib and it just got worse from there.

Need I say more?

The family who were in town got together to celebrate the aniversary of the World's Most Amazing Sister. My Favorite Sister. The one who got the 'good' genes.

You gotta love her

(Really that is what my parents always told me anyhow)

For her birthday I got her a Green Lantern Shirt and the Special Ring

For her birthday she got herself a GPS system. Look how surprised she is!!

I want to tell you a story but I won't. Lets just say she really REALLY needs a GPS.

If she wants to tell her story I will let her guest blog

Did I tell you all about the bread crumbs? I don't remember.

About a month ago she got bread crumbs at Costco because she knows

I cook with them sometimes.

I usually use about 1/2 cup at a time. I guess she didn't realize that.

She bought me a twin package of these.

We are trying to figure out what else you can use them for.

I keep thinking of that line in Vacation where the trailer trash dad says

"I dont know why they call it Hamburger Helper-- it tastes great all by itself"

Bread crumbs are no Hamburger Helper

Not even the seasoned ones.

Now here is my favorite

Do you recognize this item that I had framed?

Go back a week or two.....

That is right. It is the famous note.

"HEY LADY YOU HAVE SOMETHING STUCK TO YOUR REAR END"

Because I want her birthday presents to MEAN something.

I want them to be memorable

Plus I really don't like for her to forget the really funny stuff.

Yeah, I am like that.

PS: I am up for adoption

Water Aerobics

2011-07-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

So last Thursday I went to my very first water aerobics class. I knew even before my doc told me that I needed to get some regular exercise to go along with my lifestyle overhaul but there are a few obstacles:
I hate exercise
I hate getting sweaty
I hate exercise
I am tired all the time
I hate exercise
My joints will hurt
But most of all, I hate exercise

I know you are shocked because I have such a great physique and all but it is true
My daughter in law has been going to a water aerobics class at one of our community parks so I decided to go with her and see what I thought

Here is how it went
I bought a swim suit. That was fun and as big a boost to my self esteem as you would imagine.
Here is a picture of me in my new swimsuit.

So when the time had come I stood at the edge of the pool-- the deep end-- I realized that I hadn't been swimming in such a long time I couldn't remember when it was. So I stood there on the edge for a little while and wondered what was going to happen when I got in the water. Would I sink to the bottom? Would I flounder about? Would I remember how to swim? (Side note: When my son was little he called swimming underwater 'drowning' "Mommy look! I am drowning" Cute, right?)
Eventually I jumped in. I did not drown. But it did cause some waves and agitation in the pool

Right off they give you some weights to use. These things looked innocent enough because they are made of foam but once they hit the water they turn into these:

For perspective on the size of the barbells, this is an amoeba. See how big they are COMPARED TO AN AMOEBA????

Anyhow.... it was a great class. The instructor was friendly and funny. The other gals in the class were fun too. One was a friend I knew back in high school so we caught up with our lives. We really did work out hard. My joints did not hurt.
Best of all.......
Drumroll please............
I DID NOT GET ALL SWEATY!!!

I know, right?

Still Maintaining My Denial

2011-07-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

Day 8 Since Bogus Diabetes Diagnosis

So far I have been a very good girl. I haven't had any candy or baked goodies at all. I am eating moderate amounts of fruits and veggies.
I have cut back on the starches and replaced with complex carbs
I cut back my coffee intake and my diet soda intake
I am getting ready to start water aerobics class
I have a meeting this weekend with a professional health coach
I have been reading and researching
I have been poking at my fingers and reading my BG (blood glucose) reading and logging it every day.

So far I am pretty sure the meter is broken.
It keeps giving me readings that are in the 140s which just cannot be right because that would mean that......
That........
I may really have diabetes which is a total bunch of baloney..... Hooey.... Crapola......

My sister has mastered the art of disease denial. She doesn't really believe she is epileptic-- and why should she? She pretty much has to take everyone else's word for it since she never remembers her little episodes. So she is suspicious that I have launched a massive conspiracy that includes the family, the hospital, the ambulance drivers, the paramedics and her molars (to chew up her tongue).
Her proof that we are all making it up: She doesn't pee on herself like most people do during a grand mal seizure.

So I am not really convinced that I have a problem yet.
I mean, I don't feel 'sick'.
I think it is just a way of getting me to lose the ~~hundred and fifty~~ ~~massive elephant like~~ ~~blobbish~~ couple of extra pounds I am carrying
It is those clever diabetic supply companies trying to get ANOTHER member of the house to buy all this STUFF!

Yeah..... you guys all go ahead and believe I have a problem. I will just make good use of this opportunity to drop those lbs....

While I Was At Work.....

2011-07-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

2011-07-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day USA!

So far today I have celebrated by going to work for most of the day and then came home to sit in front of our evaporative cooler.    It is hot here kiddos.
I don't know how hot, but well into triple digits because that is how we roll here in the Mojave Desert.
But at least it is a dry heat, right?
NOT TODAY!
Today we have yucky clouds and humidity-- this means my evaporative cooler is not really working very well. If you are not familiar with said device please allow me to educate you.
An evaporative cooler works by having air flow through pads that are soaked in water. Through evaporation this causes the air to be cold. It is just that simple. But it only works in a very dry climate, which we usually are--- BUT NOT TODAY!!!!!!!!
So I am a tad bit whiney. And the cats and I are sitting in front of the unit and our hair/fur is blowing in the breeze and standing straight up. Yeah, you wish I took a picture!!!
I feel a little ashamed for whining like this, but you asked so it is your fault.
On another subject which actually pains me to talk about....
Some friends of mine from my small group at church got into a horrible motorcycle accident a few days ago and one of them did not live.   The other is in intensive care even now. She has lost part of her leg. This stretch of road is famous for idiot people trying to pass and causing accidents and this is what happened here. The world has lost a truly great guy who was always funny and laughing and eager to help. They are one of the couples in my small group whose relationship made me a little envious on occasion. Let me side note here to exlain that at my church, after the main service, we have the option of being a part of a small group of 10-25 people for the purposes of encouraging one another and serving one another and having fun together. I have an awesome group. You really should be jealous and if you are a local you might consider joining us. Anyhow, this accident is a great tragedy and though I am quite certain that Ron is with His Lord and is actually better off than we, it is still a very sad time. I am struck with the thought, as I always am when these things happen, of what it must have been like for Ron to close his eyes on that road and open them to the majesty of God and Heaven. I believe with all my heart that this was a joyous occasion for him. I pray that when this moment occurs for all of you that you will also experience this joy. And if you are so inclined, please pray for Karen as she recovers physically and emotionally. I know losing Ron is going to be a very very hard loss for her and their family and all their friends.

Santa Barbara Summer Soltice Pictures

2011-07-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

My New Tattoo

(It is henna so it will go away)

Our Bed & Breakfast

Monica Kissing Ryan Reynolds

(There was a lot of slobber)

The Summer Soltice Parade

AdVentura

2011-07-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

Wherein I regale you with tales of our Mini-Vacation:
(Pictures to follow in another post. Posting pictures and writing is soooo frustrating!)

We set out Thursday afternoon for Ventura. It is about a 90 drive and so we arrived just in time for the evening cocktail hour at our Bed & Breakfast.
Let me interrupt myself for a commercial--- if ever you have an opportunity to stay in Ventura do yourselves a big favor and stay at the Victorian Rose. It is on Main St and it was once a Methodist church. They have done a great job restoring and adding all the modern conveniences. The innkeepers are so friendly and hospitable and wonderful cooks. We LOVED it! I know we will be back!
After our treats we settled into our room which was so pretty. Sure a little Gothy Floral, but beautiful furniture and tile work. Off to the first item on our list: The wedge salad at C-Street followed by some amazing mac and cheese. The waiter treated us to an amuse bouche of ahi tuna sashimi on a tortilla chip. This sounds very fancy, I know. I think it was a slow night, lol. Of course being true to form we did manage to embarrass ourselves with our mutual lack of brain function: I decided to move some money over to our joint account instead of constantly splitting the checks and so while I was doing the banking on my phone she was using the debit card for that account to pay for dinner. That is right the one with no money in it until I had finished the transaction And so this poor embarrassed waiter had to come to our table and announce that our credit card had been denied. What fun! We slunk out of the restaurant and back to our room where we settled in for the night. During dinner we realizied that we had mis-communicated our need to work on Sunday and so decided to add a night to our trip. Sadly we had to change motels but it worked out okay. No repeat of last year when we did that only to end up in a smoking room!
Some of the fun of staying in a B & B is that you have breakfast around the table like a family in thte morning. This gives you a great opportunity to meet interesting people. We had a couple on their honeymoon, a couple from Peru, a couple from the East Coast. And she served a creme brulee french toast that was amazing. We discussed any manner of intersting topics around the table for almost 2 hours. Then it was off to the harbor where we did some window shopping, took the harbor cruise with a very entertaining boat captain (saw some seals and pelicans and hear some very bad puns) and then stopped for a lunch of our favorite Flaming Goat Cheese at the Greek resaurant served by a very adorable young man. Eye candy always is a Plus! As hard as I was trying to have a care free day this was the day I was experiencing what I hope was good old anxiety and not actual chest pains as well as other yucky physical ailments. And so we went back for a nap. Ahhhh is there anything nicer than a nap? We had many of these. I should be completely rested up and yet today...... I still feel tired.
After our nap we decided to go to the movies and see the Green Lantern. Starring my sisters big celebrity crush Ryan Reynolds. My sister has a poster of RR in her bedroom. (Be sure to see pic of Monica and Ryan).
Saturday we decided to head up to Santa Barbara. Last year we did this same thing and were surprised to find out it was Fiesta Weekend and so we were treated to booths and a parade. Imagine our surprise when we realized we had happened upon another Festival: The Summer Soltice Festival! This was a parade of different groups of people dressed up in jungle themed outfits and dancing etc. This had to be a "Doo Dah" type parade. And of course there were booths and food and all kinds of fun in the park. Monica and I got (henna) tattoos! You can still see them!

It was a great early birthday weekend!!!
Be sure to see the pictures post follow

It Was Inevitable

2011-07-01T19:14:00.000-07:00

I don't think anyone is going to be "Oh no, I am so shocked I need to sit down" surprised by this but I have diabetes.
Type 2 Hopefully controlled by diet (OMG) and exercise (WHAT????) kind of diabetes
I still have to poke my finger and bleed onto a strip that a little machine can read, but so far I don't have to give myself shots.
I do not have heart problems so that is good. I was having chest pains last week but that must be from my job which is making me want to drop dead.

Boring Medical Picture

Some of you may not know a lot about diabetes but I will carefully explain everything to you. With pictures. This is what my nurse practitioner did for me the other day. I had blood work a few weeks previous and when she walked into the examining room with a Big Color Book that said something like "So, You Finally Have Diabetes: Do You REALLY Want To Die?" I knew that my life was going to change. (By the way everything else looked good and I am not pregnant after all-- what a relief!)

I know a fair amount about The Diabetes because my niece Rebecca who lives with us has Type 1 diabetes as well as her brother who lives with his dad. I also just did a research paper on the subject but since I didn't want to be a smarty pants I let her go through her whole spiel.

Here is how it goes:

Your pancreas produces a hormone, called insulin that your body needs to have in order to turn carbohydrates (carbs or glucose or sugars) into energy that your body and brain need to function.
Here is a happy, healthy pancreas. It happily does it's job and keeps the glucose level in the bloodstream at a workable level that is neither too high (producing all kinds of horrible things) or too low (which can cause other bad things). Happy Pancreas keeps things Just Right.

Hi I Am Mr Happy Pancreas!!

I don't have one of those, neither do my niece and nephew.

RIP Mr Pancreas

This is a dead pancreas. Researchers are trying to figure out why this happens. This is Type 1 diabetes and commonly strikes children and was once called Juvenile diabetes. A person with a (basically) dead pancreas will be dependent on taking insulin all their lives. This is a very difficult condition to manage as you need to poke your finger and check your sugar many times a day every day. If this condition is not managed well many bad things will happen which I will explain a little later.

This is the pancreas my niece and nephew have. Not me--- not yet anyhow.

I Am LeAnn's Pancreas
Meh.......

Here is a Type 2 pancreas. He works some of the time and his host body has become insulin resistant which means he acts like a teenager: He is moody. He doesn't like to work consistently. Sometimes he works. Sometimes he don't. He wants to just be a slacker. He resists attempts to do his job. He drops his wet towels right next to the hamper and then sighs loudly when you ask him to put it IN the hamper. He is like "Why is it MY job to make the insulin?" He asks to drive your car and moves the seat up so you can't sit in it decently. Plus he uses all your gas but doesn't fill it back up. He cares only for himself.
How did he get so tired and worn out and resistant?
More than likely his host body looks like this:
(Not actual pictures of me but a very very close proximity)

My NP then told me various stories about people who did not take care of their diabetes. First we had the guy who fell asleep smoking a cigarette. When he woke up later he had burned a large hole in his foot. Since his feet have bad circulation he didn't even feel it. Sooner or later he will lose his feet. Her bother also had the disease and she described his prolonged death in a nursing home. I can also look forward to glaucoma, cataracts, hearing loss, hypertension, ketoacidosis, strokes, kidney failure, neuropothy, coma, gum disease, depression, skin infections, gastroparesis, perifial arterial disease, rabies, gonorrhea, ringworm, prostate trouble (in women only), malaria, excessive flatulence, mad cow disease, did I mention rabies? Parvo, elephantitis, blackheads, werewolve syndrome, walking-backwards-syndrome, foreign hand syndrome, hoof and mouth disease, hemorrhoids, and even rabies.

And most of all you will lose your limbs... bit by bit by bit. Until there is nothing left but your head.

But I am afforded the opportunity to try to reverse my disease or put off the worse of it for as long as possible. I need to lose a few pounds (eh probably 160 or so) and get regular exercise (YIKES) and manage my blood sugar level. So far I don't seem to be able to eat anything.

I am praying that the very real prospects of having body parts fall off bit by bit (I feel like a leper or a zombie) combined with the thought of having to shoot myself up will finally give me the motivation nothing else has been able to give me-- to not only lose the weight (as I have so many times before) but make sure it doesn't find me again.

So, you can feel sorry for me if you want to. I know that I have earned this disease and I alone can do something about it now. Since I can't use chocolate to numb the pain I will accept gift cards.

Today In History

2011-06-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

Today my sister and I met for lunch.

I was in the middle of a harrowing audit and only had

time for a quick salad, so we headed over to Wendy's.

We ran into a friend of our parents and chatted a bit-- he sat right across from us so we tried to act as dignified as possible.

(We don't want him to tell mom and dad that their middle

aged kids are out running amok-- even if it is true!)

We were winding things up when a man approached us and dropped a note in front of my sister, on the table.

I thought "Oh my, this guy is giving her his phone number! That new haircut is really getting some attention!"

Please see Exhibit A: The Note in Question

Entered Into Evidence: Exhibit A

If you have a hard time reading this, please let me assist you

"You have tissue sticking out of pants in the back"

Peeps, I would love to tell you that I was calm and supportive of my sister as the true humiliation of the event sunk in.

I would love to tell you that I held in the laughter because

she was clearly horribly embarrassed.

I would love to tell you that I was sure no one else in the restaurant saw it and that her secret was safe with me.

But, I can't

I laughed so hard I gave myself a headache

I snorted repeatedly

I just about peed my pants

Okay, I DID pee my pants

(Lucky for me she had some toilet paper!)

(Buaaahhhahahahahahhah!!!)

She looked at me sadly and said

"You aren't going to blog about this are you?"

What could I say?

I never blog without permission

However

I told her that the world needed to know

That after everything I have told you about her your

opinion can't really sink any lower anyhow.

And I begged her--- I pleaded--- to give me permission

She is such a good sport

I love my sister so much--- who else could put up with me?

Exhibit B The Actual Toilet Paper From Her Pants.

Meh

2011-06-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

Greetings & Salutations to All!
I am sorry not to have posted a lot lately. Been having a bit of the Monster lately. I suppose it is hormonal or it is the lack of schooling going on or it is my job which is sucky and overwhelming lately. I don't know what it is but I don't like to dwell on it or write about it too often. But it is a part of me, you know? All is not sunshine and lolipops in GeeezLand.
This weekend my sister and I took a few days off-- which I will story tell tomorrow when I have a chance to download some pictures. It was lovely but it also gave me some time to reflect on what is not working in my life and so I plan to make some changes.
I am going to make my spiritual life a priority. I have let that slip. I know better than that.
I am going to go back to the doctor and push for her to give me a real checkup. I went a month ago and she was very cursory and said things looked fine. THings are not fine. And if she doesn't listen and give me some honest feedback I will change to a different doctor. I am going to start working again at getting in better physical shape. I do not enjoy this. But I will try. Again. A friend has recomended some holistic things and I will go to our local health store and try to figure out what to get. That in itself could be an entertaining trip. The last time I was there I was getting some vegan treats (can you say 'oxymoron'?) for a friends going away party. I felt like I had traveled into a foreign country where I did not know the language and for which my legs were far too well shaved. However, I will try. My menu selections are going to center around veggies as the entree with small sides of meat and grains. I will drink water. I will get some sort of exercise.
OKay there, I got it out. I will look for something funny tomorrow.

Monica's New Haircut

2011-06-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

It is the end of an era, people.

Back in 1980 my sister figured out that she liked the floofy bangs that kinda made a small tsunami on her forehead and she has been wearing the same hair style ever since.

Seeing my amazing new haircut inspired her to get hers cut the other day too.

And update the bangs

Malley would give it TWO THUMBS UP if only he had thumbs to give

Regardless everyone loves her new hair-do

Doesn't She Look Terrific!! YAY!!!

So to celebrate our combined awesome-ness my sister and I leave tomorrow afternoon for an adventure in Ventura
An AdVenture
That is right, I said it. AdVentur(a)
We are going to make the most of our 3 days and try to make them feel like 3 weeks.
We are staying in a Bed and Breakfast that is a converted Victorian church.
Our itinerary includes:
Flaming Goat Cheese at the Greek Restaurant in the Harbor Village
Wedge Salad at the Restaurant at the Crowne Plaza
(do you see a theme here?)
Going to see The Green Lantern
(Because Monica is in love with Ryan Reynolds- she even has a poster of him in her room. That is true I swear!)
Lots of sitting on the beach contemplating our lives
Hopefully sleeping in past 6:30am.

It will be lovely.
Of course you will receive a full report!!!

(PS Just in case you think the house will be empty, it won't. We have several adult house sitters plus all the critters to guard the place!)

Disorientationality

2011-06-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had someone else work on your computer when you are away at lunch?
And you come back and things are changed but you can't do anything about it because it is your boss so it is really his computer and his work etc.... Like the window view is different and you can't figure out how to see the whole screen and the settings have been changed and there are like 20 different windows open? But not the one that was open when you left, albeit minimized.
Has that ever happened to you?
Me Neither

But if I did I would imagine that it might be something like when your new driver in the family uses your car. And the next morning when you leave to go to work at dawn when you are half asleep and already managed to drip coffee on your blouse and you try to get in but the seat is pushed all the way up and you find yourself having flashbacks to getting your arm stuck in your bed.
And you turn on the radio expecting to hear the news but instead you hear Ryan Seacrest doing a "Ryan's Roses" and then you get to hear some artist sing about airplanes and shooting stars and you think--- was Ryan Seacrest in my car when I parked it last night? And then you think "Dang, he has really short legs!"
And you get ready to back out of the driveway but the mirror is tilted down and over to the side and you don't remember leaving it reflecting your cleavage when you parked it last night.
And the side mirrors are obviously confused also.
You just know someone else was there in your space.

Yeah, me neither.

In light of these developments, is it really so horribly wrong for me to have a little fun with her when I am supervising her as she fills up the car with gas?
When I go over and over the concept of putting in your debit card and letting it fill up instead of putting in $5.00 at a time? Because it really will stop when it is full.

It really will. I am not messing with your head.

YET!

Unless you get freaked out and pull it out because THE THING SAYS YOU ARE PUTTING IN OVER $40.00!!!!!!!!!
Is it really sooooo bad to ~~theatrically over-react~~ tell her that IF YOU SPILL EVEN A LITTLE GAS IT CAN CATCH FIRE AND MAKE YOUR WHOLE CAR EXPLODE
And that you have to get some water and scrub it down really really fast?
Is it so wrong?

If This Is Wrong, I Don't Want To Be Right

This Is For Your Own Good!

2011-06-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

(Actual Notice In My New DVD Player)

(Okay I Added The Sticker)

Hair

2011-06-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

I realize that some of you have been on pins and needles waiting to see pictures of my new haircut.
It must look good because a Construction Worker whistled at me this afternoon! Sure he was one of my employees and sure I make out his paychecks-- but still was pretty cool!
I know you men probably will not understand the process and the energy that goes into a kind of this event. But it is VERY IMPORTANT!
First you get the thought in your head: I hate my hair. It is boring, hot, frizzy, too long, too short, too brown, not brown enough, too curly, not curly enough, too straight, to thin, to thick, (Fill in the blank)
I want a tattoo
Maybe I will just cut all my hair off
I haven't had short hair since 1992
I wonder if how long you can leave salad dressing in the fridge before it goes rancid. Does mustard go bad? Does it grow mold?
I am going to cut my hair AND get highlights!
There: Decision made

Next step: Deciding on the style.
Something cool but not too young.
Not too old either
Something that isn't going to take a lot of work
You look at hair style websites
(This activity probably contributes to getting in trouble for viewing websites at work and infecting your computer so that your accounting software for the whole company is destroyed and makes you worry you will get fired)
You take pictures OF pictures in magazines.
You make an appt but your regular stylist is booked for weeks and you must do this RIGHT NOW. So you ask her if she can recommend someone so you won't feel like you are cheating on her and have to sneak around (Yes, really)
You wonder if you should get something corporate in case you get fired for looking at hair styles at work.

The day comes
You describe to your stylist what you want and wonder what she is thinking.
"OKay, so I want it short--- BUT NOT TOO SHORT! What is TOO SHORT? I don't want to see my scalp. But I don't want it to be all Carol Brady flippy do in the back. OH HELL NO. And I want highlights but not HUGE chunks. Like you know they aren't real but it isn't like OMG DOES SHE KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THAT LOOKS? And I want bangs. No, not BANGS bangs--- like sweepy over to the side bang-ettes. Like casually sophisticated bangs.
Sweepy-ish.
Bangs.
My ears are okay so it is okay if you can see my ears. BUT NOW I NEED EARRINGS!! (Note: To everyone who forgot to send my Atta Girl reward for getting TWO 'A's this semester please keep in mind that I like silver, not gold. This means you Kathy. How many 'A's did you get, huh? What?? I can't hear you? Under-achiever says what?
So she commences with the coloring portion of the styling event.
I spent a good half hour trying to:
A) Communicate with the home planet
B) See if I could hear the afternoon drive report on the radio through the foil on my head
C) Trying to move the potted plant in the corner with my mind figuring that possibly the aluminum foil just might enhance my telekinetic abilities

D) Stay awake or at least not snore too loud

E) Fight back the terror of re-living bad hair cut experiences in my past. Including the extremely unfortunate "Dorothy Hamill fiasco of 1974" and the constant "Just let me THIN it a little"

F) Fighting back urge to call use my best Napolian Dynamite dialect and say "Tina, you fat lard. Come eat your MEAT! GOOOOOSH"

Then Tina came back and woke me up (eventually) and took out the foil and washed my hair. She asked me one last time if I was sure. I promised her I would not weep uncontrollably and so she began to chop off my hair.

Pile O Hair

Is it possible to take a picture of yourself without looking so stupid? I THINK NOT!

And when she was all finished this is what I have.

She did a great job. I am very happy.

I can't tell if this is a good picture.
I really HATE looking at myself

MY GOSH-- The Back of My Head is AWESOME!!!

PS To Monica's Birthday Blog

2011-06-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I left off part of the story!
First: When my sister put her watch on she said "I forgot to set it" and my daugher in law looked at me and there was a tacit understanding: Monica just serves it up on a silver platter

Second:
Once upon a time my sister was having a very hard time finding a place she was supposed to take one of her kids in Fontana.
This was the day that she decided that she really needed a GPS.
So she calls me from a Pro Bass shop to ask me if I think the GPS units they have there will be a good price and should she get one.
Pro Bass shop
Fish Finders do not equal GPS systems just so you all know, okay?

That is all

Bummed Man

2011-06-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am seriously bummed.
This has been a sucky week at work and we are only half through it.
But I don't talk about work on my blog so you will have to use your imagination.
Trust me, it is yucky.

And I am one seriously confused college student
Mistake #1: I forgot to note when registration was for Cerro Cosa college. This has resulted in my inability to pick up Anthropology online for the Fall semester. I am on the waitlist. AVC does not offer Anthro online so that means maybe I get catch it on campus.
Which would mean hours on hours on hours of listening to someone who will belittle my faith (I believe because he is insecure because deeeep down he knows that science just does not explain everything) and try to make me feel stupid for believing in Intelligent Design. I can deal with this online (Philosophy proved that) but face to face? I don't know. It doesn't sound fun to work all day (See "Yucky Work" reference above) and then sit through a class.
Today I realized that I need yet another class. And I know the minute I screwed this up too! Back in winter of 2009 I was registered for 2 day classes when it became apparent I was not going to be able to get away from work to go to them. One of these was Managerial Accounting. I did not erase the entry on my College Courses To Take Before I Become An University Student spreadsheet and just today realized I never took that course.
BUMMED!!
So I have to re-think the whole semester.

Meanwhile--- I am not truly sure I am on the right track anymore and I am struggling to sort it all out.
Once I move on to University I will have to take out student loans or get grants or something. Who knows how many years it would take to finish my BS. Then I am HOW OLD with HOW MUCH DEBT?? Does that make sense???? WHAT SHOULD I DO?????

My brain is just tired. Are you tired?
(Can I get an Amen)
And I am discombobulated!
(Glory!)
And I don't know whhheeerrrrre I fit in
(Uh huh-- tell it sista)
And work sucks-- but I am still grateful for it!
(HALLELUJAH!!)
And I am having one of them times when you look at the whole biiiiig picture and you feel old OLD OLD and you wonder
(YOU WONDER GIRL!)
Did I just blow it? Is it too late?

Do leave me a message. A word of wisdom.
Something.......
Are you out there friends?

Wedding Chapel Marquee

2011-06-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

Kinda speaks for itself, right?

A Chance Meeting With An Old Friend

2011-06-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

My apologies to you all. I realize that I neglected to share with you a very pleasant surprise! You might remember that I visited the Huntington Library recently. While there I wandered through the forested area where the Camellias grow. It was shadowy and cool and I took my time looking around for interesting flowers and light and all that composition stuff that can make a stick look like art. Deeper in the brush I heard a scrabbling sound. Leaves crunching. Mumbling under breath. I looked around not sure what I expected to see. Lo and Behold-- I recognized the Mumbler by the accent; not quite British. More along the lines of aristocratic. More affectation than accent. Fussy. Prissy, even.

I stepped off the path and under the tree "Pip? Can that possibly be you, my old friend?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Friends and Minions, if you have never become acquainted with Pip please do CLICK HERE and jump into a past post to learn how we became friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucky for me Pip was in a chatty mood and so I settled myself onto a handy log to catch up on all the squirrley gossip. "Pip, how did you end up here at the Huntington?" because we had met at Descanso Gardens. Pip curled his very floofy squirrel tail around his paws and told the tale. "The day came" he began "when Raccoon left the gardens to go live in the country with his children. He really did, I am not presenting a metaphor on the afterlife. As you know, Raccoon and I had been the very best of pals for many years. Once he was gone I grew bored. Of course I still had many friends, but the bi-weekly poker game was never the same. Raccoon had several 'tells' don't you know. If he had a winning hand he could never help but pull on his whiskers. I decided that I should do some traveling while the weather was agreeable and so I began to observe visitors to the gardens to find a likely traveling companion. My criteria was narrow. I needed to find a woman who carried a large bag. Someone not easily given over to panic if she were to find a stow-away of a squirrel nature in her bag. I distanced myself from young women with young offspring-- though the thought of rogue honey nut cherrios in the bottom of the backpack was enticing. No, that sort of scenario could include far too much rooting around for binkies and chew toys.

They Call Me MR. Pip!!

Around the Antelope Valley: Make Out Spots Part Two

2011-06-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

Famous Make Out Spots in the Antelope Valley

Back in the 1970s there were a lot less people living out here so there was a lot more desert. Out west of town is an area called Quartz Hill. QH was where all the farmers and goat-ropers lived. Today this little mountain topped by water tanks is smack in the middle of some high end houses and there is this lovely block wall and everything is picturesque. Back in the day it was much more rugged, out in the middle of nowhere. Dark and isolated-- perfect to 'park' and kiss. I personally never went there because the really Good Girls didn't go there. And I was really ~~boring~~ good. But many of my friends did. I know of a boy a year older than I who drove his girlfriend up there and manage to roll his car down the hill. Classic.

So I was good, but I was a dork. Hard to imagine I know. And the group of friends I hung around with mostly consisted of people in choir. Picture the TV show Glee but about a hundred times less cool. We did sing and dance but it took us more than 10 minutes to learn a routine and one outfit sufficed for all our numbers. True there was a lot of inter-group dating going on. In fact that is how I met the boy who would later become my ex-husband. We all hung out together. Someone had procured a road sign that had an amber flashing light on top. The night of my Senior Prom I ended up driving around with a guy friend and one of the things we did to wreck havoc and punish those people who actually went to the prom was to take our traffic sign light and pretend to be the police up on Quartz Hill Mountain. If you are one of the people we scared that night I apologize. But then again, you shouldn't have been up there anyhow!

Another very well known spot to take a date was the California Aqueduct. This is an area where Submarine Races were held. These were only held at night under the light of the silvery moon.

Submarine Race Site

Around The Valley: Make Out Spots Part One

2011-06-02T18:11:00.000-07:00

Back in the Dark Ages when I was a teenager making out was a harmless enough sport. If you were a "Good Girl" like I was this involved a lot of kissing and pretty much nothing else. So if 'Making Out' means something else to you, well FOR SHAME!!!! Get your mind out of the gutter and for the purposes of these posts please use my definition.

There were many well known Make Out Spots in the Antelope Valley. I am sure there were many more I never found out about.
The Drive In was an acceptable Make Out Spot. That is why all the greenery died and it blew away like the dust.
My first kiss was in the driveway of my parent's house. I was 16. His name was Scott. Scott introduced me to kissing. I think he did a good job. At least that is what my cat, Figaro, says these days.
Scott blew up his car engine and so when we were 'going together' I always had to drive. We were good church going kids. He lived next door to our church's Junior high youth pastor, Steve Baker. You may know Steve-- he now runs Grace Resources. Next door to Steve was where Gary, the Senior High Youth pastor lived. I do not know how in the world this line up of pastors / neighbors occurred but wasn't it just my luck. I drove a bright turquoise Datsun B210. That is right, I was stylin even back in those days. We are talking 1978 here. All this to introduce you to our first make out spot: In front of Scott's house. I am quite sure there was some sort of surveillance system at work because we usually barely got the windows steamed up before either Steve or Gary would knock on the car windows with a chirpy "Hey kids, whatcha doin in there?" I think the repeated trauma eventually took it's toll and Scott ~~became the first to break my heart~~ set me free to find True Love. On to Jim, the man whom I would eventually marry. Jim lived out on his own from his senior year of High School on and so we had plenty of privacy. But we were still good. He did not score a Home Run until our wedding night. Nearly 15 years later Jim ~~dumped me for someone more appropriate~~ set me free to find True Love. Enter Lord Voltemort or "The Man Who Will Not Be Named" to protect his reputation just in case he is reading this blog. He introduced me to Making Out on his trampoline. Nuff Said. Soon he followed suit and ~~dumped me for one of my best friends breaking my heart and leading to waving the white flag on romance~~ set me free once again to find True Love.
As you can tell I have a great deal of experience in the art of Make Out Spots in the Antelope Valley. For my next post I will show you pictures of other great spots.

Around The Valley

2011-05-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

I am suffering from PSSS: Post Semester Stress Syndrome.
It is ridiculous, I know, but I am really stressed out with school being over for the next several months. It gives my mind far too much time to ponder and wander about in my own little world.
I will give you a glimpse-- if only to explain why I got to thinking about The Antelope Valley as it was in bygone days.
This is how it worked. Two (TWO!!) longtime single girl friends are getting married in the next few weeks. I am so happy for them. I am impressed with the courage they have had to put their hearts out there-- a quality I just do not have. But it got me thinking about my divorce-sary which was May 24th. I have now been single 14 years. I was married just less than 15 which means I have been divorced almost as long as I was married. This got me thinking about my ex-husband and how we met and what things were like when I was young... and there you go... I am back in the 1970s.
And I am taking you back in time with me. For some of you this is all new because I have readers from all over the United States and in the UK. For some of you this will remind you of your younger years.
One of the things that has gone by the wayside were drive in movies. We had several in our area. We had a 3 screen drive in about 2 miles from where I sit right now. On the edge of town with only miles and miles of desert on the other side to the north, I spent many an evening watching the latest movie. When I was a child my parents would bring along lawn chairs and we would sit alongside the car in our jammies so we could be put to bed easily when we conked out halfway through the Disney flick we came to see. Sometimes we would sit on the hood of the car, which was some enourmous barge like vehicle. We always brought our own snacks of course. When I was a tween I remember seeing the first Star Trek movie at that drive in with my uncle David.
On to my teenage years. Same big cars. Still sat on the hood-- sometimes. If we were seeing a movie that charged by the person and not by the carload, kids would pack into the truck and sneak in. Usually we brought treats but sometimes we went off to the snack bar and got popcorn or candy. If we were really flush we got one of those horrible little pizzas. Then you would have to wander around trying to find your car. The last movie I ever remember seeing at the drive in was Amityville Horror. I saw it with my best girlfriend Stacy and her boyfriend at th time. It scared the bejeebers out of me. I still remember trying to block out the sound with my fingers in my ears.
By then the sound was broadcast through the radio. You just tuned into the special station. Earlier on you rolled down your car window, stuck a speaker inside and rolled up the window until you crushed your fingers and said bad words. Then you rolled it down enough to extract your fingers and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y rolled the window back up.
George Lucas sounded the death knell for the drive in. Once we started up with all that THS and the special effects the days of the drive in were numbered. I remember seeing Star Wars in a walk in theater. The drive ins died a slow tortured death eventually closing altogether. For awhile they served as movie sets and finally they were razed and the city transportation facility built in their place.
Long gone, but not forgotten.

Lancaster Drive In--- Glory Days Behind It

Speakers

SUMMER BREAK!

2011-05-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

Whooop Whoop! I took my last final for this semester this morning. It is mathmatically impossible for me to get less than an A so it is time for all you people to pay up. TWO A's this semester. I will accept Starbucks gift cards in lieu of cash.

So...... I should be all excited about this but instead I am freaking out because I am all at loose ends. I mean you set aside 10-15 hours every week for school and homework for 5 months and when you are done there is all this spare time just 'there'. What do you do with it all?

Over the past two days I redecorated my bedroom. I am not yet entirely happy with one corner area but I have to sit and ponder it for a few days before figuring out what I want to do instead. Here are pictures.

After

Before

I also redesigned my blog. What do you think? I think it is more me. I little darker. I little more mysterious. I made a 'Label Cloud' so you can find favorite types of posts.

Here is some Big Blog News: I hit the 6700 viewing mark which is very exciting to me. It means you are out there looking at my stuff and that just means so much to me.

Have I mentioned that I am giving some thought to ditching the BS in Business and becoming a writer?

Hmmmmm So many options.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON"T HAVE A LOT OF STUFF TO DO????

Pretty Pictures

2011-05-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

These are some pictures I took at the Huntington Library last month.
If you want a copy just let me know. I think they are purty!

Dinner Theatah: A Magpie Tale

2011-05-23T19:47:00.000-07:00

Oh, for the love of all that is holy, why do I put up with this crap?

Last month, for my birthday, it was Mariachis and a giant sombrero.

I guess that was just to warm me up for the Really Important stuff.

"Of course I would love to go to the park on Sunday and cheer you on while you practise swordplay"

Huz-zah

It is called Sarcasm: look it up! Seriously, buy a clue, would you?

A bit part in the local community theater production of Shakespeare does not make you a Master Thespian

Neither does scooping up horse poop during intermission at Medieval Times

You work at Best Buy for crying out loud

And the only reason I agreed to this date was so you would get me that plasma TV on discount

Hey, thanks for everything but I really gotta bounce.

(that sexy lute player wants to go to the Cinemark and see Pirates of the Caribbean)

Magpie Tales is a blog dedicated to poets and writers with the purpose of honing their craft, sharing it with like minded bloggers and keeping their muse alive and well. For more stories inspired by this picture go to http://magpietales.blogspot.com/

It Wasn't The End Of The World Yesterday!

2011-05-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the Rapture did not happen last night. No big surprise there.
You guys know about the Bible, right?
Did you know what B-I-B-L-E stands for?
Basic
Instructions
Before
Leaving
Earth

Yeah so it is a series of letters from God to HIs people communicating to us how we are to live and where things are going from the here and now.

According to my manual describing life in this phase, there is going to be a Rapture. Someday. Sometime. But the Bible make it very clear that no one will know when it will happen. So I am not sure what made that guy think he knew what was going to happen and when, but he was clearly mistaken.
Still I have to give him some credit for trying to warn people. It is kind of like knowing you have the cure for cancer but not telling people because you don't want to look stupid or offend anyone.

I am not going to go through all the bits and pieces of what Christian believe will happen. If you want to see what I think is a great representation you can watch or read "Left Behind'. In a nutshell we believe that God will call HIs followers home at some point (the Rapture) and everyone who as accepted Him as their God in a personal way is going to get to join Him in heaven. The earth will not end right then, but things are gonna start to get nasty until eventually the earth will be destroyed.
But to say anyone knows when this will happen is to say they know better than the Bible... pretty arrogent.

I like how Pascal's Wager wraps it all up:
“We can wager that God exists and live our lives based on this belief. If we win our bet because God does in fact exist, then we will receive eternal life and happiness. The only “cost” to us are giving up certain finite “poisonous pleasures, glory and luxury.” And striving to live our lives as people who are “faithful, honest, humble, grateful, generous, and sincere”. On the other hand, we can wager that God does not exist and live our lives based on this belief. If we win our bet in this case, we will “win” the opportunity to pursue our own pleasures and glory, constraints and without punishment in an afterlife. However, if we lose the bet- that is, if God does in fact exist and we have chosen not to believe in God’s existence- then we may have forfeited the opportunity for eternal life and happiness

Regardless... the world will end for all of us at some point. It could end for me today when I get in my car and drive down the street. It could end for me in the next 20 minutes when an anyerism in my head pops. It could end in a couple of years when the Big One earthquake finally destroys Southern California. I don't know when any of those things will happen either. But eventually I am going to blow this planet one way or another and move along to the next phase.

So I figure best to me as prepared as I can as I go along. I don't wait to tell people how I feel about them. I don't wait to resolve issues. I clear out my computer history so you can't see that I have been reading up about communism and anarchy and all kinds of wierd things for my college classes, lol. I enjoy the realtionship I have with God every day. I try to find that balance between living for today and having things ready for if I live to be 97+ years old like my grandma.

To me that is the lesson to be learned by the Great Non Rapture of 5-21-11

Proud Mom Tonight!

2011-05-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

I am a proud mom today!
My youngest child passed the driving test for her license on the first try!
She was scared and she tried anyhow and that is a big deal!
She also hates it when I get all mushy with her and if I were to give her a hug she would probably act like I am giving her mom cooties. So in lieu of that hug I will share with you the Commemorative speech I will be delivering on Saturday for my Communications 101 class.
To my delight I have seen that other ladies whom I love are celebrating today good news of babies and adoptions and weddings so this seem especially appriopriate today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April 1st, 1992. I was in my office working when the phone rang. It was my (then) husband. “We have a daughter” he said. I told him that was not a funny April fool’s joke. “No really” he said “the adoption agency just called. We pick her up in two days”

Our journey to adoption started 5 years earlier when we decided to add another child to our family. Our son, Brandon, was 18 months old so we figured it was time to get started on number 2. What happened quickly and easily the first time didn’t happen again—I could not get pregnant. We tried everything we could do short of expensive medical treatment and hit a crossroad in 1989: we invest in infertility treatments or we invest in adoption. We knew we only had the resources for one or the other. We decided to try for adoption. We were so incredibly naïve about what that meant, which was a good thing because had we known we probably would have given up on the spot.

We spent a solid year doing all the things the agency we chose required of us to become approved. We took classes to be first aide certified. We had home inspections to see if we had an appropriate home. We were interviewed over and over. We had references. Our employment records were examined. Our credit rating was checked and our finances were reviewed. Finally we were approved.

Once we were approved we went to the park and took ‘marketing pictures’ to show that we were the perfect family; mom, dad, son and our trusty dog Jenny. We wrote letters to birthmothers telling her what great parent we would be to her baby. We told her what a great big brother Brandon would be. We talked about our family values. We described our personalities, our hobbies, our friends, and our church. We put it all together into a portfolio.

And then we waited. A week. A month. Six months. A year. Not a nibble. Not a word. Thirteen months. Eighteen months. Twenty months.

Around then we pretty much gave up and used our savings to buy a new car. Of course a few weeks later we get a call: there might be a baby for us. It wasn’t born yet. The parents are physically and mentally challenged. The mom has spina bifida so there is every possibility that the baby will have special needs. Would you consider taking this child?

What kind of question is that? We have been trying to have a child for 7 years! And now you ask if we want a sick one that could have all sorts of problems? Me? A caregiver for a special needs child? Me- who get nauseous just visiting people in the hospital? Could I handle that? Would God ask me to handle that? We think it over for a few days. It is crazy. What if this is our only chance? What kind of people does it make us for saying ‘no’? What are we volunteering ourselves for? What if this is our baby and we don’t accept him or her?

As usual I find myself wandering the baby aisles of the store. My heart hurts and I give up trying to hold back tears. I see the tiniest baby sleeper with little colorful animals on it. It looks so small! I check the tag to see what size this is. The name of the manufacturing company is “Hang In There” and has a picture of a little monkey hanging off a branch. I know this is a sign. I buy it on the spot. We call the agency. Put us on the ‘yes’ list.

A week goes by. No word. Two weeks. Six. We hear nothing. March goes by. We figure the baby must be soon to be born, but we hear nothing. We call the agency. They have no news for us. Then comes our April Fools phone call. “Come get your daughter.” They say.

We spend the next two days shopping. We tell very few people afraid the birthmom will change her mind. We are afraid to hope. We have nothing ready. It feels like tempting fate to get the crib set up. We do, however, have a very special sleeper to dress her in for her trip home. And we buy the most adorable pink and cream colored stroller. We realize we have spent our adoption money on the car--- we know we are going to have to pay for her with our Mastercard. It might be the first time she has cost us a fortune--- it would not be the last. The home health care provider brings over the monitoring equipment she will need. He reminds us of our CPR training and tells us what to do when she stops breathing. Not IF--- when. I am terrified. But already I know that it is my job and my joy to guard over this child. I will do it.

April 3rd 1992. We are excited. She is tiny- 5 lbs. at birth though full term. And she is considered a ‘failure to thrive’ so she doesn’t like to eat. I am terrified. Yet I know, more that I have ever known anything, that she is my daughter and I will do whatever it takes to be the best mom I can be for her. Though her birthmother calls her Elizabeth, we decide to give her the name we have picked for her; Lauren. After my grandmother Lurah. We want her to know she is part of our family- she has a family name.

We fill out all the paperwork. It is finally time to meet her and her birthmother and grandmother. I remind myself to pay attention to them even though I really only have eyes for my baby girl. She is beautiful and tiny and I am already irritated at the monitor and wires she is connected to. That mama bear protective thing is already in full swing. We make small talk. I just want to hold her. We exchange gifts. I just want to hold her. Finally Redi gives her a kiss and hands her to me. And I fall in love.

Here, finally, is that piece of my heart that was missing.

Things Are Not Always What They Seem

2011-05-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Carpe Diem
SEIZE THE DAY!
If you see a pair of shoes on clearance and you LOVE them and plan to come back later--- they won't be there!
It is like some kind of cosmic joke!
And it cost me an excellent blog picture the other day.
I drove by the wedding chapel marquee that supplies us with so many giggles and there was a great one up there. And I figured, I will get a picture later cuz I was a little late for work.
BUT WHEN I WENT BACK THE NEXT DAY IT WAS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so sorry, Minions!
You are going to have to imagine it and trust that it was really up there.
Do you have your imaginations on?
Okay you know what the marquee looks like, right?
I dont remember the couple--- lets call them William and Kate
Here is a dramatic re-creation:

William and Kate
The Have What It Is

Of course this made me wonder what "IT" is that they have.
Is it an STD?
Is it a horrible gross hair ball in their shower drain?
Is it meal worms in their pancake mix?
Is it a mouse living under their refridgerator?
Is it rabies?
Is it BO?
What is it ????
The World May Never Know.
But whatever it is, They Have It!!
Congratulations William and Kate--- maybe you should see a doctor about that.

Meanwhile yet another exciting day at work--someone brought Kentucky Fried Chicken in around noon. Plus all the things that go with. Including bisquits and what I thought was little packets of honey.
Little did I know that those little packages are actually "Honey Sause"
What is Honey Sause????
Apparently a whole lot of things besides honey.
As you can see from the package----- this sause contains a whopping 7% honey.
So that is 93% of other stuff.
Wow.
Who Knew