I Am Still Here But.....

OMG!
I can't believe how long it has been since I posted!  How have you all survived?
There are a few reasons for this
I am mid-way through my Anthropology class and this has kept me very busy studying primate behavior (THIS MEANS YOU!!!) and writing award winning essays while carefully skirting the ridiculous-ness (not really a word) of my topics.  This takes a lot of energy.  This semester and last has been sapping my spiritual energy.  Not that I have lost my faith but just having to think everything through in a defensive posture is wearing, you know?
Then there is just the suck-i-ness of my life right now.
There are two things I never write about:
My job and my relationship with my kids.
Because I want to keep my job and I love my kids even when things are not what I would hope for.
(Editorial note:  I don't want to name names but we know which kids are doing fine ('B' & 'J') and which one would make me cry every night if I were capable of actually producing tears)
So let's just say that those two things have made it difficult for me to be funny and silly for awhile.
There was always my diet and my exercise routine
But I fell off the Vegan Wagon and downgraded to Vegetarian (lacto-ovu which just sounds gross)
And I figured you were getting sick of hearing about my exercise classes.
Tonight I am sitting on the proverbial ledge and I have a cookie in my hand
And I am going to eat it.
And you can't stop me
Maybe after that I will be cheerful again. 
Really how are people supposed to live without CHOCOLATE???? HOW????
More importantly:  WHY????
In the meantime, how about some interesting comments today PLEASE?
Tell me something interesting in your life.
Give me today's Gopher Count!
Tell me how wrong that Facebook post went about the grammer police Kathy!  (Did you notice that?)
Tell me about your plans for Halloween.
Talk to me people. 
It is your turn
Tonight I really need it.

Dear Mr Speedo Guy

Dear Mr Speedo Guy At The YMCA;

Yes, we saw you
Yes, we were watching you

I have a few things to discuss with you

Moobs  (Man-Boobs)
It has to be one of the biggest double standards of all time that society dictates that men can walk around shirtless and this is just fine but women cannot.  Apart from this obvious hypocrisy let me just say this:  Just because you can does not mean you should.

Speedos
Just say "NO" to speedos.  Speedos should be outlawed.  Unless you are in perfect physical shape and you are trying to impress other perfectly fit men, just say "Hell No" to Speedos.  If you must wear one, get one that actually fits.  FYI:  Speedos that actually fit are also called 'board shorts'  Dude, there are small children and sighted people around.  Again, just because you can does not mean you should.

That Thing You Did On The Bench:
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT? 
Have you been reading my blog and are under the impression that the aquatic area really truly actually is a marine mammal exhibit?  Is that why you climbed up on the bench, laid down on your stomach and then arched your back so that your head and legs lifted in the air which did, in fact, remind me of a Shamu Show I once saw at Sea World.  Is that what you were thinking?  Because:

• You, sir, are no Shamu
• Shamu would never EVER wear a speedo
• Shamu would wear board shorts and a t-shirt to cover his moobs

So, in conclusion Mr Speedo Guy: 
Though we all saw you and your escapades, you should not feel complimented.

Sincerely,
Everyone in the YMCA building Monday Night

Chickenless Chicken of the Sea

My very helpful Health Coach Ashley recently shared some special treats with me.

I had high hopes for them because, as you can clearly see,

onion flavored SeaSnax are  "Strangely Addictive"

I was worried that I would become instantly addicted to SeaSnax and end up spending

my whole paycheck on them, stealing from my family and friends, selling my body

or end up out on the streets homeless begging at the bottom of freeway ramps:

WILL WORK FOR ONION FLAVORED SEAWEED SHEETS!!!

They could be a gateway sea vegetable.

I could end up nibbling on kelp, driftwood.

Then I am on to small fish.... koi even

Maybe tuna... maybe the dolphins snagged with the tuna....

Sharks... first the small sharks... the on to the Great Whites

(Because white meat has less fat and calories you know)

One day you are snacking on an innocent treat from your Health Coach

The next day you are out trolling for grey whales and nomming on blubber

So before something horrible like that happens to me, I decided to

use my housemates as experimental guinea pigs.

Because I am all about self-preservation.

I started with my niece and her friend.

They were not impressed.

 

Well, it didnt kill them

So I tried it on Sam.

He acted like it burned his eyes.

And once more he cursed my health crisis for my

vegetarianism (though he is thankful for the occasional bit of cheese now)

So, cats like seafood right?  Mush was up next.

Um, no.

By the way, no animals were harmed in this experiment.

I decided that it was safe to try it on myself.

This is what it looked like before I tasted it

I can't show you the after picture.

I had to spit it out.

OMG

There was only one person left in the house

I may be an alien from Vega

But she is unidentified alien from planet

 WTH Are YOU!!

OF COURSE SHE LOVED THEM!!!

Bark At The Park

I know, I am very late with my Bark in the Park Report:

This was my first forway into this annual Dog Lover's Festival 

I was rewarded with my interesting sights!

I saw many dogs dressed up in Halloween Costumes

Many in their Sunday Best too

There were carnival games for the pooches and all kinds of booths to buy accessories

There was a jumping pool for aspiring Splash Dogs to give it a try

This poor lab just didn't 'get' it.

His staff person took many runs right up to the edge,

After tossing his toy in the water

ON PURPOSE

And he was very encouraging of Poochie, but Poochie would not have it!

Another interesting activitiy was having your doggie walk through paint and then

create a Doggie Masterpiece.

Something precious to hang over the mantle I assume

I was impressed that we have an animal ambulance in the area.

This is good to keep in mind for the next time my dog pees on the tile floor

and I want to beat him within an inch of his life......

Then we have this little poodle who was campaigning for a local politician

I dont exactly know why he feels as though painting a dog will make anyone

feel confident in his Political Wisdom.... frankly, I forgot who it was already.

No, I did not bring Samson the Wonder Pooch.  He doesn't always play well with others.

Introducing.............

Some of you know one of my BFFs Cathy who lives on the East Coast

(You know she has to be a Very Special Friend because

 I actually got on an airplane to visit her-- TWICE)

Last Wednesday she gave birth to her second son who's name is Elijah Jonathon Cordova. 

He was 5 lbs and 7 oz and, according to his proud mother, has dark hair.

Dark NOSE hair   Just like his Daddy, Wes. 

 Wes is tall, dark and handsome.  Cathy is one of the whitest people I have ever met. 

There is a picture of her next to the term WASP in the dictionary.  I tell you this

 because Joshua, their first son, is the absolute spitting image of her.  

I have been rooting for Elijah to look like Wes.  Mostly this is because I suspect

that Cathy created Joshua in a laboratory or something. 

Wes is a great guy and one of the smartest men I know.

How do I know this?  Because when Wes (aka The Interloper) started courting Cathy

he was smart enough to do 2 very important things: 

 #1) He was gracious with our girl time.

This was smart because we decided to let him live. 

We had her first and we were very territorial. 

#2) When he is around us he observes quietly from the sidelines and doesn't

call the police and/or the insane asylum.  What he says when we are gone

Cathy keeps to herself which is just as well.

Yes, Wes is handsome and smart.

But Cathy is probably the Smartest Person I Know. 

And not just because she was smart enough to see the quirky ooey gooey

part of me that very few people know about AND SHE STILL LOVES ME!

No, she is an honest to goodness Rocket Scientist. 

Someday I hope to be like her when I grow up. 

 And I am sure her fondest dream is to be half as good a mom as I have been.

I would love to tell you the actual birth story but she is kinda busy right

now with all that yucky gross horrifying beautiful bonding going on and so

 I will tell the story that she might tell if she weren't too busy.

Once upon a time there was this stork.............

Congratulations To The Whole Cordova Family

I Pray God Richly Blesses You All!