I Don't Know How This Will End

I don't know how this will end

You have all been with me this whole time so I think it is time to come clean

See how it all plays out

I can't do it any more   It is just too hard

Too lonely  Too isolating

Sometimes the hunger is just too much and the hole inside can't be filled the way

things are When I am honest with myself-- when I take a good hard look in the

 mirror-- my choices reveal the condition of my heart.  And for awhile now I have

known that it is time to be honest with you all and with myself

Though I still consider myself to be a true citizen of Vega

I cannot say that I have been true to the true Vegan diet.

I know you are all disappointed--- especially Sheila.

It was the cheese that took me down

Not even the full fat kind either--- the 2%!

I craved the protein that I just couldn't find in the garbanzo. 

Don't get me wrong-- I still love my legumes; the Garbanzos, the Pintos, The

 Blacks and Whites and Browns....

But often the temptation and the cravings control me

I found myself cheating.

It started out so small-- so insignificant. 

Sneaking in a little bit of cheese here and there.  In a salad.  In a sandwich.  In a burrito. 

So easy to justify;  Everyone else does it!  I need to be satisfied-- don't I deserve to be satisfied?

It isn't like killing someone.  I thought I could control it but the need grew and grew and grew.

Then it graduated on to eggs.  In a salad.  In a sandwich,  In a burrito

Finally it manifested itself in the most onerous of ways:  A egg AND cheese burrito!

THOSE DAMN BURRITOS!!

One day I was so bold as to have breakfast with Egg.  Right out there in public.

Shameless-- just the two of us there in a booth together with nary a thought as

to how this one act could snowball into so much destruction!

So okay, it is out there now.

I can't be a part time vegan so I guess that makes me a vegetarian now

Fully committed--- not a carnivore!!

I don't know how this will effect my citizenship on Vega

I don't even know if I will be able to go home now..

Don't Judge Me

Does anyone understand what is going on with Facebook?
I just don't have the patience to figure it out right now.
Facebook and I have a Love / hate relationship.
I keep track--- at least on a shallow level-- with many people I would never hear from otherwise.  Surely it does not take the place on a good long phone call or a visit in purpose, but it is good!
I like hearing about Cathy's little bun-in-the-oven and how big he is getting
And if not for FB I wouldn't even know about other buns in ovens
Sometimes it is the only way to get my daughter's attention--- even when she is at my house!
And I love to see the pictures!
On the down side we have the birthday situation!
Maybe this hasn't happened to you, but it happens to me often.
Back in the olden days you sent off a card and it got there somewhere around the birthday and you didn't really need to know the exact day. 
But now... you post a Happy Birthday message on Face Book and you had better have the right day or you are going to look stupid.  Well intentioned, but stupid. 
Of course if you DON'T post on their birthday it is worse!
I have a few friends that I suspect have been victims of my fuzzy memory though none have corrected me so I am not sure.
Which means I will suffer emotionally for another 364 days and then it will be deja vu all over again!

Coordination Is Over Rated

One of the things of which I have recently become painfully aware, is that I am consistently uncoordinated in all exercise regimes.
This is quite a talent
In my yoga class I have trouble with balance and I simply cannot do anything that requires that I put all 500 lbs of Hippo weight on my shoulders.  The other day I tried and was rewarded with crunching sounds coming from my joints.  This is not a good thing.  So I do not do downward facing dog nor do I do planking poses.  This does limit my participation.  So far I have not farted which is good and I have been able to refrain from making hissing sounds when I do the cobra move.  Out loud anyhow.
In water aerobics I tend to float off in the wrong direction.  And I don't balance well even in the water.  On Saturday my bathing suit was trying to fall apart and I accidentally hit someone in the rear end.  The bathing suit also tends to add an extra measure of resistance as it is a dress type so it is usually going in the opposite direction from where I am trying to go and riding up around my ears. 
And then there is Zumba.  I am pretty sure the instructor was born without hip bones.  My own personal hips only want to go side to side--- not the other 100 directions his hips go.  And I can go low... but not low, low, Low, Low LOW LOW LOW LOW and certainly not without help getting back up! 
It is all so different in my imagination.  There I have an actual figure--- that is not Buddha-like.  My dancing is more Brittany than Seizure.  I can do water moves without falling over and getting water up my nose.  And I simply Glow rather than sweating drops on my yoga mat or the floor or all over my shirt.  I can be the downward dog and I do not recoil in horror when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Maybe someday my reality will match my fantasy.

The Blind Leading The Blinds

So I have a cat.  He is an indoor cat because when his sister got murdered and left across the street I decided he would have to pay the price and live inside the house.  He misses going outdoors.  He sits in the window sill and dreams of bygone days.... chasing birdies, rolling in the dust, nibbling on the grass.  He has wrecked the mini blinds in my bedroom because he cannot lift the edge or go in by the side like a normal cat.  No--- he feels a need to squeeze his Buddah-like torso between the slats, leaving my window a mess.  And should it be dark outside and lit up from within.... well, there are some things too scary to detail here. 
On Sunday I finally got around to buying some vertical blinds.  My sister and I went to Lowes.  If there is one thing scarier than the phrase "Chandra and I went to Lowes" it is that one "My sister and I went to Lowes"  We headed straight for the window covering department for fear we might find other enticing home improvement projects to distract us.  We stood there and tried to look as if we knew what we were doing.  I had measured the windows so we were off to a good start.  But many things were puzzling;  Why are all the slats 84" long?  Why not have shorter ones so people aren't wasting so much material?  Why don't they state on the box how many slats you need to buy?  Since they needed 15 Why do the boxes come in sets of 13?  Is this yet another example of the Hot Dog vs Bun conspiracy?  Why are all the top rail things WHITE but all the slats ALABASTER (off white)?  Monica and I debate these, and other questions, and decided to ask an employee.  First though we had to discuss how I knew that the slats did not come with the top thingie (this was actually stated on the box-- in 3 different languages too!)  We had decided we needed two sets of top hanging thingies and 3 boxes of slats.  This was confirmed by the employee.  We were very proud of ourselves.
Then she asked how we were going to get the boxes home.  Well duh, in my car.  My not so big car.  (I often forget this part of purchasing items just ask my son) We spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how to get the seats to fold down for trunk access and finally figured it along with a few other things I didn't know my car could do. 
We got it home and read the instructions that promised, very clearly and in 3 different languages, EASY INSTALLATION IN 15 MINUTES!
15 minutes?  On what planet?
15 minutes?  My big hairy toes!
I got started taking the old blinds down and just as I was about finished my Pancreas decided that it didn't want to do this today and so it shot a load of insulin into my bloodstream causing my blood glucose to plummet.  I could tell because suddenly I felt like I was in Target.  So I went downstairs and had a snack and rested until I felt better and then I didn't want to do it anymore.  But I thought "NO 'MEH' Pancreas, YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS BATTLE!" and a went upstairs, climbed back up on my bed and started working on the blinds again.  But not before I got whacked in the head by my ceiling fan.  Nowhere in the instructions did it say to turn off my ceiling fan!  Who Knew?  To make a very long story shorter, 15 minutes was a GROSS UNDERESTIMATE.  Gross, I tell you!  And the package did not have 'everything we needed" because it did not contain a hammer, nails and a hot glue gun.  Or spackle to cover up a few extra holes.
But now my kitty can push his pink little nose through the blinds and crawl up into my window sill and dream of birdies and mousies and days gone by..... 
My neighbors will just have to find other forms of entertainment!

"O.F.B."

(Note:  Many thanks to my son for getting the cyber-gunk off my laptop so I can get some blogging done)

Today I want to discuss with you a phenomena I have been recently

 found myself observing more and more.

This phenomena of which I speak: O.F.B.

Old Fart Behavior

Evidence #1:  As usual on Sunday mornings I was sitting in my usual corner at Panera with

one eye on my homework and the other eye peeled for interesting blogworthy activity. 

 Or anything I can spin into interesting blog activity.

Older couple pulls up right outside my window.  They are probably mid to late sixties.  She is carrying a mason jar with lid full of iced tea.  He is carrying coffee mug from home.  They come in and get a couple of bagels for breakfast.  When he goes to the counter I speculate on the coffee mug:  will he pay for coffee and get a refill?  Will he just fill it up without paying for it? Is this his favorite of all time mug that he takes everywhere with him? 

WHAT WILL HAPPEN????

He drinks all the coffee in his own personal  mug and goes outside to the car

where he re-fills from a thermos in his car, at which point he returns

 to his booth in the restaurant and finishes his breakfast.

This is OFB.

Other examples of OFB:

Bringing a jar of peanut butter with you to breakfast so you can have it on your waffles.

Taking home all the napkins and sweetner packets left on your table after eating.

Obsessively asking what I am going to wear to church every week

Filling up a shed in your backyward with toilet paper and paper towels.

I have pondered, many times in the past few years, about the inevitability of exhibiting OFB.  Is it just destiny?  Must we all become Old Farts at some point?  Were this Panera Couple always Old Farts or were they once cool hipsters toking a couple of doobies before they swayed to the bangin' tunes.  He of the flowing natty locks and she of the granny skirts and tie dye?  Did they watch SNL when Chevy Chase was just a young pup signed off saying "I am Chevy Chase-- and you're not" and laugh their butts off at the landsharks?  Did they Cruise the Boulevard back in the day and laugh at their parents who were Old Farts?  Did he have a Charger?  Did he drag for pinks?

How does this transition happen?

Does it start when 8:00pm is just too dang late to go out to a movie?

When you watch the clock because you know 5:00 is too early for pajamas--

but is 6:00pm?????

When Peri-menopause is another roommate?

And you wear........... bi-focals?

 

And what about my friends who are just a few years younger and still having BABIES?

Will they have to teach their kids to find their car keys?

Will they bring a sippy cup to the restaurant AND their favorite cup too?

It boggles the mind......

I worry that I will exhibit more and more OFB

I worry that I ALREADY AM!!

Obi Wan Kenobi............... Keep me from OFB... you're my only hope....

Vegan Parmesan Cheese Recipe

Helloooooo!
Welcome to the Reluctant Vegan Chef Show!

Today we are going to make Raw Vegan 'Parmesan Cheese"
You can make saute this with some onions for a nice little snaaack.  You can spread it on a crrracker.  A Ritz cracker.  A saaaaltine cracker.  Or on bread.  On rye bread.  On puuuumpernickle bread.  Or if you are celebrating the Jewish holidays you can make a loaf and shape it into the bust of a friend or if someone is getting married or bar mitzphad.  Or if you have a cat or a dog they love vegan so make sure you SAVE THE FAKE ORGAN MEAT!!  Don't throw it away, I hope I made my point!

So what you want to do is take your raw almonds and your sesame seeds and your nutritional yeast flakes and you want to grind them up in your food processor!
And it will taste just almost like something that kind of looks like parmesan cheese......
Sorta.....


It reminds me of a time when I was a little girl and I gave my dog some nutritional yeast and.... I think I am going to go to sleep now......  

SAVE THE LIVER!!

BLAST FROM THE PAST: CLICK HERE

My Pancreas & Target

I am not really sure that I know exactly what is going on here but the last 3 times I have gone to Target I have had a very bad low blood sugar episode.

Remember that I have a Insulin Resistant Pancreas that is a little testy.

If you missed that post, CLICK HERE

This is how I can tell:

I start sweating profusely.  At first this is similar to a hot flash but it quickly progresses on to other symptoms.  I start feeling confused.  My legs are wobbly.  I am ravenous.  I feel as if I may faint.

I look in my purse for my emergency rations and gobble something down.  I usually keep some trail mix or some starbursts in there for this very reason.  Today the only thing I could find were tic tacs.  I ate about 20 of them.  Not helping.  I decide to get out before I pass out and grab a bottle of sugary soda (which I never drink normally) and guzzle it down

Before I pay for it!

CLICK HERE FOR IMPORTANT SOUND EFFECT

I know, right?  How ghetto is that?

But it seemed better than fainting.

I got through the line, paid for my empty soda bottle and headed to the car where I wolfed down two little bags of trail mix I had just bought.  And I waited for the low feeling to pass knowing that I headache was sure to follow.  Which it did.  My hair was 3/4 wet from sweating and my shirt was also pretty pitted out.  And I felt like barfing from the junk food which I never eat any more.

Fun, right?

I do not know why this only seems to happen at Target

I don't know if it is because my pancreas really LOVES Target and gets so excited when I go in there that it just gets all jumpy and hormone making happy

Of if my pancreas HATES Target and makes spiteful insulin so I have to leave faster

Either way, I know two things:

#1 Target INSPIRES the Pancreas

#2 I am gonna have a good meal right before I go in there next time and be sure
 my emergency kit is in my purse!

Okay maybe three things

I will promise my pancreas some Hello Kitty bandaids if it behaves!
It always worked with Lauren!

Congrats David & Connie!

A New Sign!

David & Connie

Always Together

Always

Today

Tomorrow

The Day After Tomorrow

Next Saturday

He Is Waiting Outside The Bathroom Door While You Go Potty

He Is Watching You Sleep

Next Month

Every Moment

Of

Every Day

Until You DIE

And If You Are Mormon 

All Throughout Eternity

And Beyond Into The Universe

Past The Earth

Past The Sun

Past The Solar System

All The Way

To

Vega



Yoda

Huzzah!!  Now that it has been determined that I did not have a silent heart attack I can get back to the exercise program!!!  I had re-joined the local YMCA prior to the "PSYCHE! WE WERE JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE HEART ATTACK" medical appointment and once I was cleared I got right back over there to celebrate!  I decided that I am going to make good use of all my recent REALITY CHECKS about my health and experiment with a variety of new experiences.

The schedule listed a Yoda class that was to take place at 6:00pm that evening.  That sounded great because I always jump at the chance to hone my Jedi Master skills.  These are highly prized on my home planet, Vega.    I made you a diagram of the YMCA building:

As you come in the front entrance the YODA room(aka Hippopotamus Excersie Enclosure)  is directly to your left.   Since the YMCA is not just about exercise but also about entertainment, the rooms are fully visable with floor to ceiling windows and a lounge area with bistro tables and comfy chairs for your viewing pleasure. In the equipment room (aka the Serengeti Treadmill Jungle) chocolate chip cookies are hung just of out reach prompting runners to go faster and faster trying to catch the elusive treat!  To your right is the Pool Area (aka Marine Mammal Habitat)  where you can watch whale-like creatures swim back and forth while listening to CDs of Whale Songs.

Back to my Yoda class.  I could see right away that I have very little control over my body.  This is not my fault.  The Feng Shui in the room was way off and my chi was disturbed.  The room was darkened so the people in the viewing area could see better and there was a CD playing of waves crashing on the beach which only served to make me need to go to the restroom.  Occasionally a lone judgemental seagul cry broke the serenity.  These were very rude seagulls, as they so often tend to be.  This one kept screeching "FAT"  "MAN HATER"  "FART" and other less nice things.  I sat with legs folded..... hands relaxed to my sides...... cleared my mind......And then I heard him.  It was Yoda.... "use the Force, LeAnn.... The Force...... "  Slowly I was able to lift first one leg... then the other leg.... then I was able to levitate---- the cookies from the excerise room into my gym bag for later.  The force is so handy.

The instructor continued in a low, calm voice......  calm.....soothing....child pose.....extended child pose.....no judgment.....just happiness.....empty your mind.......love your body......deep cleansing breath.....sundial pose.......inhale as you bring your arms in........exhale as you bring your arms down into heart pose.....inhale.....exhale....inhale....exhale.....feel the room spinning.....  inhale the cookie....exhale the cookie breath.....now stand with your legs straight and your back straight and your shoulders back with energy but be relaxed at the same time.....lean over placing your palms flat on the floor... do not think about farting.....now that you have that pose lift your right leg until it is perpindicular to your back and hold.......keeping your palms flat on the floor take your other leg and place your pinkie toe in your right nostril.... keeping your hands on the floor focus on your left earlob... focus..... focus..... now lift your hands to the sun.... do not fall over.... do not fart.....good, good.... now clear your mind.... breathe... float gently to the floor... yes.....yeesssssss, assume the corpse pose.... slow your breathing..... more... more..... now stop breathing entirely....good.... now slow your heart.... slow.....slower.......now stop your heart altogether... goood.... don't you feel relaxed?  Walk into the Force..... become one with the light.....

Good Class!!!

See You Next Time!!!