Betrayal

Dis is Malley Kat.
I em tiping this 4 Sam cuz he dont tipe so goodly.
And i dont hab thums so it is difitculted

Mom hab losted her mine
She dont eated meets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And she not sharingly ice creamys
and milks in her searels--- not milk!!!!!
What is en de cerals?

Otter day she geb Sam dis ting looks lick chickies butz
NOT CHIKENS!!!!!!!!!
Sam spitten it outz cuz itz ickygrossinesses
We don no whaz goinks on heres butz we needings de helpeds!

SEND HELPEDZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

!

Bella

A very good friend has lost a very good friend today.  I wanted to send love along to Janet.

Her violet eyes twinkled as she waited and watched

For her new friend to arrive

She knew it would not be long now

And so she had gathered them all to greet her

Remember, she said, be gentle

For we know her better than she us

We have been waiting to say hello

But this is all new for her

Remember how we too were new

Confused, expectant, excited

Feeling like we were young again

With all the energy and joy we had lost

Remember she will be a little sad

She has left much love behind her

But soon she will know that she has not left it behind

But brought it along with her to enjoy

She will see that there are butterflies to chase

And the softest grass beneath the trees for naps

And the sweetest breeze

See, here she is now!

Come along everyone and say hello

To sweet Bella

Carol: The Gopher Huntress

In the interest of proving to the world that I am NOT the only crazy  odd weird eccentric   quirky person around here we have another guest blogger today:  Carol Serpico.  I was compelled to ask her to tell her story because she has been making multiple posts on facebook about The Great Gopher War of 2011 and I thought this just was something that needed to be told.  At the time of this posting the War continues.... lucky for the gophers Carol goes back to work in another month..... 

And so I give you...........      Gopher Saga – Part 1 by Carol Serpico AKA the Gopher Huntress

I have been called many things like Mom, Honey, Nana, and Carol (and others)….but new names are emerging…..Gopha Wrangla, Gopher Whisperer, Gopher Guru, Gopher Hunter, and my personal favorite….”Gopher Huntress”. The Antelope Valley, in my neck of the desert, is now known as Death Valley (kind of like….uh…Sister Cities, if you will).

Sunday, July 17, 2011      It all started when my husband went away. I thought, “I’ll surprise him, and thin out the huge Sycamore trees on our front yard. Oooohhh…that will be fun to use the electric saw, and the job will go quicker!” I finished that job….and it took all day. Then I noticed the brown patches of grass….er…dirt…amongst the clumps of green. Thar’ be gophers still churning up the underworld!!! Sure, Phil had recently been tossing smoking dynamite-like sticks into gopher, ground squirrel, and rabbit burrows. I had sprinkled gopher pellets into a couple of tunnels, but it begged the question, “How do we really know if there’s been…A KILL????” I did some exterior stucco patching on the house….to mentally prepare for what ….was…..about to begin………..drum roll…………….wait for it………THE GOPHER SAGA!!!!!

There were three mounds of dirt that kept emerging on our only semi-good section of our front lawn every morning. We would water them down or use a shovel to spread the dirt and rocks. Even our 2 (almost 3) year old grandson would ask for Nana’s little shovel when he would see a mound of dirt. He sure loved to shovel the dirt onto the concrete driveway…..so helpful… ;) . The main holes were given the very creative names of Hole #1, Hole #2, and the eastern most hole was….you guessed it…Hole #3. I proceeded to set a trap in each, camouflaging the opening with a brick and some iris leaves.

At the start of gopher hunting season (which is whenever I am not working…and I’m procrastinating from doing a necessary domestic responsibility), I feel a teensy weensy bit of guilt as I haul out the big guns.

Then I read about my pastor going fishing. I sing the song (in my head) about,”…all things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small…all things wise and won-der-ful…the Lord God made them all…” and the guilt dissipates rapidly.

Monday morning, July 18, 2011—I awakened like a child on Christmas morning…excited to go out and check the traps. I decided it might be best to eat breakfast,… first,…though. Alrighty then! Gingerly stepping across to the west side of the lawn, I knelt beside Gopher #1’s hole. I pulled on the hay bale cord which is attached to the trap, and little threads started to break from the cord. Oh, my! That would be tragic, I’d best replace this cord….should I need to reset this trap. One more slight tug, and out popped the Victor Gopher trap, without so much as a whisker on it!!!! I stomped over to Hole #2, scooped out the loosened earth that the little critter had sealed his entrance with to block out the dastardly desert winds, and HOLY GOPHER HAIR …I pulled out Gopher #2!!!! YAHOOOO!

 I flung the gopher, with trap still attached, into the dirt half-moon section by the circular driveway….it used to be a beautiful grassy area…until the gopher invasion of 2007, but that folks….is another story. Marching on to Hole #3, I pulled the trap out and “Nada!” It is now that I recorded these events briefly to my Facebook journal for those that like to read (by choice or mistake) and so I can vent and get some typing practice.

I meandered back to reset my Victor device in Hole #1, and much to my amazement, shock, and awe….the green-loving gopher had already closed its front door!!! This is when I must stick the water hose down, to reopen all tunnels, and carefully insert the trap without triggering it on an underground root or one of my fingers. I also reset Hole #3’s trap with not one, but TWO this time. Did you know that a gopher has one main tunnel which usually is about 6 feet long going down at a 45 degree angle. A lateral tunnel connects to it closer to the main entrance/exit which the critter uses to remove dirt from his underground cavity. I set one trap in each of these two main arteries.

My hubby came home for lunch. I shared my kill with him….”No! Heavens NO!!!! I mean, I told him all about the hunt. I explained that I saved the honor of releasing Gopher #2 from the trap, for him. He was….well……honored!!!! Who gets to do THAT every day. Hey, hey, hey!!! Some of my friends, by the way, came up with some clever dishes for possible future meals…..Gopher on a Stick, Gopher Quiche, Beer Battered Deep Fried Furry Cheek Pouched Gopher, and Chocolate Covered G-dude. Yeah….sick-minded people (use your own definition of “sick”). Remember, I didn’t come up with these entrees….sorry, this story is not for the faint of heart.



They Look All Innocent.......  Don't Be Fooled!!

 Tomorrow………….is……another day!!!!

Men Are From Mars... Women Are From Venus...

Yes we all read the books.....
Men Are From Mars.... Women Are From Venus....
Humans are from Earth   
But me?

I am from Vega

Vega is the brightest star in the constellation Lyra and the 5th brightest star in the night sky.  Vega is 25 light years from Earth and is about 2.1 time the mass of your Sun, which explains why I am so much heavier than pretty much everyone I know.  That is right, it really is genetic.

It took me almost 49 years to figure it out but now that I know it really does explain a lot.   Never mind how I got here  That is a story for another day.  The important thing is that I am here now.

That is right.
I am coming out:   I am a Vegan
That is "Vay-Gun" not "Veee-gun"
Veeeguns are humans who do not shave their legs and/or armpits, wear wrinkly skirts with tie-dyed t-shirts made out of hemp, do not vaccinate their kids or their animals, wear their hair in dreadlocks and drink algae.

Like those hippies on earth, people from my home planet do not ingest animal protein of any kind.  No dairy or meat or fish or eggs.  Not even the more obscure things like crickets, dogs, sushi, meal worms, cats or humans.  (Aren't you glad about that last one?)

Because I picked up a nasty human virus that apparently damaged my pancreas and made it 'Meh' and  I am also not able to ingest other items such as sugar, honey, processed food products or oil.

We Ethnic Vegans try to have a good attitude, however, so we have a few mottos:
"Legumes are your friends"
"You will not die without chocolate"
"Nothing is more fun than exercise"
"You will not die without chocolate"
"We really hope that vegetables don't turn out to have souls"
"No you can't make tofu taste like chocolate"
"Partially hydrogenatied soybean products taste like chicken"
"Carob tastes better than chocolate"
"What happens on Vega, stays in Vega"

Earthlings, please do not fear me.  I have been living among you for a very long time.  We do not mean you any harm.
Just turn over the chocolate and no one gets hurt.

Guess What I Am?

So did I tell you guys that my doctor is trying to play the "Oh, you are a type 2 diabetic" card on me?  They even falsified my A1C blood test to show that I am 'insulin resistant'.  Me?  Resistant?  I AM NOT RESISTANT?  I am the most compliant, easy going person you are ever going to find.  Try to label me?  Are you serious? 
But in the interest of getting an "A" on my next blood test (because I have to keep my GPA up you know) I have been testing my blood every morning which is obviously a complete waste of time because obviously someone has been tampering with my test strips and my meter because every dang morning it is high  I don't know how they are doing it.  But I know they are.  I am going to buy a new one today.  Then we will see who has high blood glucose! 
Okay fine I will play along with their little game.  Watch what I eat blah blah blah..... get some exercise blah blah blah go out and do some shoplifting and sleeping around blah blah blah* 
Just to kiss up to the doctor I even hired on a health coach and met with her on Sunday.  She is just the type of person who usually makes me wonder what I did to make God mad at me because she is cute and thin and blond and really nice.  And she is going to help me reverse my (supposed) diabetes without medication.  This is the plan anyhow.  And how will she do it?  By brow beating me until my spirit is broken?   By dragging me to the gym and screaming at me about what a big loser I am?
Sure she probably wants to do those things.  But no..... she wants me to become....

A Vegan

(Insert Scary Music Here)

A VEGAN!!
I will give you some time to absorb that

*Apologies to my very wonderful Vegan friends who are perfectly lovely people, shave their armpit hair and do not have dreadlocks.  You guys know I am just kidding, right?  By the way, can I get a medical marijuana card for having diabetes?  Cuz pricking my finger really stings.

A Kumquat Tail *

I am aware that some of you, my dear readers, are faint of heart.  Delicate flowers.  Sensitive.  And so, in the interest of you comfort as you read today I will substitute the word 'kumquat' for canine feces.

A few nights ago Chandra and I took Sam to the dog park to get some ex....ex...exer......exer...... movement in a forward direction causing our muscles to move.  About 15 feet into the park Sam starts sniffing around the grass and walking in circles and I have that moment of panic and realization that he has a dirty deed in mind.

In a split second I weigh my options:
A)  I drop the leash and casually walk away.  Then I run to my car and peel out of there.  I drive home and tell the family that Sam went to live on a farm in the country.
B)  I hold up the leash and shout "DID SOMEONE LOSE THEIR DOG?"
C) Go have Chandra get some kumquat bags that the City of Lancaster has so thoughtfully provided every few 100 yards around the park along with a sign that says "Be A Responsible Dog Owner-- Pick Up Their Kumquat". 
 Meanwhile Sam has commenced with kumquat horror.  He is walking in an elliptical shape (not a circle) dropping kumquats as he walks along every 6-8 inches.  I do not understand why he does this.  Does he try to set the stage so he can walk away afterwards having confused people around him into not being sure who's dog it came from?  Is he just so impressed with himself that he needs to be able to see what he has done?  I don't know.  What I do know is when he is finished and sitting there looking innocent and I am standing there still weighing my options and Chandra is not quite back with the kumquat bag, a woman walks right by me and loudly proclaims " Aw cain't stand it when peoples let their dayum dogs do their bidness and don't take care of it!"  And I was like "Did she really just say that to me while I am standing right here awaiting the arrival of my kumquat baggie?"  YES, SHE REALLY DID!  So I said to her "I am going to take care of it in a minute when my friend brings me a kumquat baggie.  I stayed here so no one would step in the kumquat!"  Which is mostly true.  It is 87% true.  Because there was still 11% of me that wanted to choose option B and 2% that was yet undecided.  But I didn't.  I cleaned up the yucky kumquat and we started off on our walk. 
10 minutes later Sam starts the whole process over again.  Sniff Sniff   Circle Circle  Sniff Ellipse... drop a kumquat or 5.   I was like "OH NO YOU DID NOT DO THAT AGAIN!!"  And Sam just looked up at me and said  "What?"  Then he looks over at the kumquats and says "Dang, someone just dropped a kumquat right where I was standing a minute ago!"  So I get some kumquat baggies and clean up.  AGAIN. Where is all this kumquat coming from?  Has he been saving it?  What the heck?
We finish 2 laps.  Guess what Sam starts doing?  Well first he was sitting down and panting because he isn't any more used to this kind of ex....e...exer.....ex... walking than we are.  But then.... sniff snifff..... circle circle.... kumquat...kumquat. 
I became a tornado of anger.  A big one.  Not one of those wimpy Micro-Bursts of anger.  I mean a full blown level 4 on the Richter scale ** tornado.   I start to lift up my hand with the leash in it and shout "WHOSE KUQUATTY DOG IS THIS!!!!" when Chandra gives me this look like she would hate me forever if I walked off, ran to my car and left Sam with her.  And Sam?  He just looked up at me with those sweet, brown puppy dog eyes and said "What?"

* Yes I am still mocking Wayne.  Last time I swear.  Probably.

**  Yes, I know that tornados are not rated on the Richter scale.  It was a joke people.  A joke.  Hurricanes are rated with the Richter scale.

Wayne Guest Blogs!!

Dear Readers;   As I have told you before, for all the things that I share with you about my family and friends there are many many more things that I do not share.  I ask permission to share.  Which goes to show you the extent of dork-it-tude that I live with.  So when I heard that my very good friend (sadly without benefits had broken his foot I knew I needed to blog about it.  And so I asked for permission.  No answer.  Then I politely asked his son to get pictures.  He cyber-laughed... nervously...  So I finally told him that he could write his own story and tell it his way... So here it is peeps.
I give you W.R.R. and the Story Of His Broken Foot:

"I’m not a fundamentally funny person like the regular author of this blog, but I am stupid and I don’t mind telling you about it. I guess that’s Geeez asked me to guest blog about my recent tragedy. The way I see it is that either I tell you, or Geeez will mine my embarrassment for laughs and blog hits. I could put link after link here to prove my point, but why contribute to the insanity by helping you find the story of her sister’s recent toilet paper trail, or her telling of said sister’s alleged difficulty navigating anywhere, or her niece’s [fill in the blank]. Regular Geeezers know what I’m talking about and understand why I decided to tell my story here first.

I’m not good with long tails so I decided to tell it this way:

              THIS

 

           +

         =  

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Admittedly, that’s not really my foot. This is my foot. Prepare yourself: this is really gross but Geeez begged me for it. When I wouldn’t take the picture she pestered my son relentlessly on Facebook to get her a picture even if it meant villainy.


Now that you’ve been warned, here it is, Frankenfooter:

THIS IS LEANN NOW:
I would like to remind you all that I only mock those that I love.  I would like to but the ugly truth is that I am an equal opportunity mocker.  I will mock those I love plus anyone I see in public plus my cats plus things I hear about plus things that only exist in my own mind.
First, I have to mock Wayne.
Incidently I do love Wayne.  Deeply and truly.  He is my oldest friend (not chronologically though he is a week older than I) which goes to show the deepth of mental shakiness on his part.
This phrase made me lol: "I am not good with long tails"  ROFLOL   Are you good with little short tails like a boxer puppy has?  How about little cotton tails?  DID YOU MEAN "TALES"????   And he is a college graduate people.  heh
Anyhow.......
I love the fact that there are people in my life to remind me that they are equally dorky.  Yes I can spend 20 minutes searching for my cell phone while I am talking on it but at least when I broke my leg it was a fall in the shower like normal people.  Not falling off a 2" high sidewalk.
So now that I let him tell his own story let me share the story that I might have told had I been that kind of friend.
Alternate Story #1:   Giant earthquake hits the Bay Area.  Ordinary hero Wayne is out walking in the park contemplating life when the shaker hits.  He sees a little baby bunny (with a short little tail because remember he isn't good with long tails) is hopping perilously close to the edge of a crevasse that has opened up!!!   Fire and brimestone are shooting out of the crevasse (because it is the earths very core which has been exposed) (yeah it is one very bad earthquake- but not The Big One.  That one is still coming)  His brilliant mind makes the intricate calculations in an instant.  Baby Bunny + Lava Spewing Crevasse =  OMG DEAD BABY BUNNY!!!!  (insert scary music here).   And so he leaps across the sidewalk and grabs the bunny just as it was toppling over the side.  The bunny hops safely away.  But Wayne is crippled.
Alternate Story #2:  Alien Spacecraft hovers over the Bay Area.  Ordinary hero Wayne is putting out the trash in his back yard.  Because even when there are aliens hovering overhead civilisation must be upheld-- the trash still has to go out dammit!   He sees a stray dog rooting in his neighbors can.  The dogs owners have left it behind when they fled the city.  They justify this decision because everyone knows that aliens eat humans, not dogs, right?  Wayne sees that there is an alien Sucker-Up-Into-The-Alien-Spacecraft-Ray scanning the area and heading right for the dog.  Wayne does the math:   Doggie + Sucker Ray = Rover Gets Anal Probbed.   Math isn't really Waynes strong suit and in his adrenaline flooded brain he forgets that aliens don't suck up dogs.  But he forgot that and dives for the dog and grabs it just nano-seconds before the Sucker Upper Ray gets him.  As he falls with the squirming pup in his arms the dogs paw tromps right on his foot breaking it badly.   While he thinks bad words and hops on the other foot he doesn't notice that the Sucker Upper ray has happened upon him and last we see of Wayne is as he floats up to the Mother Ship.
Alternate Story #3:  Wayne is walking through the foyer of his office building when two men in black suits and sunglasses come up behind him, stick a gun in his ribs and order him to act normally and start for the elevators.  Once inside the elevator the shorter of the two, the one without the gun, pushes a button.  An unlabeled button-- and the elevator starts moving-- downward.   After an interminable time the elevator shudders to a stop, the doors open, and Wayne is ushered down a brightly lit corridor to a windowless room.  He is strapped into a armless chair and a bright light is turned on, blinding him to the identity of his kidnappers who leave their sunglasses on none the less.  Feigning a bravado he didnt feel Wayne looks him in the eye and demands an explanation.  "I demand an explanation!!" he says.  "Don't look stupid, you know why you are here!" short guy counters.  Clearly he is the brains of the partnership.  "I don't!" says Wayne "I really am stupid!  I swear!"  Shorty raises back his hand to strike our hero and just at that instant Wayne shoots out his foot, which he worked free, and catches him square in the jaw.  The pain from his broken foot explodes all the way up his body, but he puts up one hell of a fight.  Wayne gets loose, leaves the unconscious hoodlums in a heap, grabs the elevator up to his floor and limps to his desk.  He hasn't broken a sweat and he is still 7 minutes early for work.

Frankenfooter, indeed.

When Your Luck Runs Out

You guys know that I am an adrenalin junkie. 

I live on the edge.         Every day.

And when you live on the edge you are always aware that the balance

 of power in the universe can right itself at any time

You know that if you push you luck time after time that eventually your

luck will run out and the inevitable will happen.

Ms Blind Justice and her balances will not be thwarted indefinitly.

No!   She will not be thwarted!!

So it is smart to be mindful as we tottle along from day to day to day that today---

YEA THIS VERY DAY--

may be the last day that one gets away with something that goes against

 the very balance of nature itself. 

Stealthy they are. 

The passionate ones.  The healthy ones.  Your Southern Sweeties.  Your blacks. 

Whites   Greys   The tarts.  The ones that are just peachy.

And among all these diverse individuals you have the evil ones.  

They skirt the edges of all that is right with the world.  They are a little 'off'. 

They are cold as ice... willing to sacrifice our love......

They look like the others but they are poison inside. 

Today may well be the day that the axe finally falls.

You know what I am speaking of........

Yes, that is right. 

Ice Tea

Oh Yea though I walk through the valley of the Inconsistant Ice Tea Dilemma

I will not live in fear of what the first sip will tell me.

Will it be too strong?

Will it taste like dirt?

Will it be smooth and lightly fruity  or will it be syrupy sweet and taste of Passion Fruit?
WHAT IS PASSION FRUIT ANYHOW?????

Has anyone ever seen a passion fruit?  And how did they end up in my ice tea?

Will it be just right awaiting a packet of Equal?

Or worst of all....

Horror of horrors.......

Will it have that watermelon-like taste of rancid gutter sludge???

(SHUDDER)

Oh you cannot tell by looking at its deceptivly refreshing-ness.

All icy and sweaty in it's glass

For the best of the best and the worst of the worst LOOK JUST THE SAME!

WHY?????

WHY???

And so every time -- EVERY SINGLE TIME-- you tremble with anticipation of that first sip.

Your heart starts racing

Little beads of sweat form on your upper lip

What will be your fate today??????

I Told You I Love You Once.... What Do You Expect Of Me??

This marriage is brought to you by the Law Offices at Divorce.com and the author of the new best seller "Communication:  What A Load Of Crap"

Monica's Birthday

Yesterday was Monica's Birthday

She turned  50  

Well almost anyhow.....

Her sweet daughter got her TWO cute watches

And do you know why?

Because she is her mom.  And you have to be sweet to your mom

But you don't have to be sweet to your younger sister because every single

day of her life she has stolen the spotlight away from you.  She was always cuter

and thinner and had better fingernails than me.

It started with my crib and it just got worse from there.

Need I say more?

The family who were in town got together to celebrate the aniversary of the World's Most Amazing Sister.  My Favorite Sister.  The one who got the 'good' genes.

You gotta love her

(Really that is what my parents always told me anyhow)

For her birthday I got her a Green Lantern Shirt and the Special Ring

For her birthday she got herself a GPS system.  Look how surprised she is!!

I want to tell you a story but I won't.  Lets just say she really REALLY needs a GPS.

If she wants to tell her story I will let her guest blog

Did I tell you all about the bread crumbs?  I don't remember.

About a month ago she got bread crumbs at Costco because she knows

 I cook with them sometimes.

I usually use about 1/2 cup at a time.  I guess she didn't realize that.

She bought me a twin package of these.

We are trying to figure out what else you can use them for.

I keep thinking of that line in Vacation where the trailer trash dad says

 "I dont know why they call it Hamburger Helper-- it tastes great all by itself"

Bread crumbs are no Hamburger Helper

Not even the seasoned ones.

Now here is my favorite

Do you recognize this item that I had framed?

Go back a week or two.....

That is right.  It is the famous note.

"HEY LADY YOU HAVE SOMETHING STUCK TO YOUR REAR END"

Because I want her birthday presents to MEAN something.

I want them to be memorable

Plus I really don't like for her to forget the really funny stuff.

Yeah, I am like that.

PS:  I am up for adoption

Water Aerobics

So last Thursday I went to my very first water aerobics class.  I knew even before my doc told me that I needed to get some regular exercise to go along with my lifestyle overhaul but there are a few obstacles:
I hate exercise
I hate getting sweaty
I hate exercise
I am tired all the time
I hate exercise
My joints will hurt
But most of all, I hate exercise

I know you are shocked because I have such a great physique and all but it is true
My daughter in law has been going to a water aerobics class at one of our community parks so I decided to go with her and see what I thought

Here is how it went
I bought a swim suit.  That was fun and as big a boost to my self esteem as you would imagine.
Here is a picture of me in my new swimsuit. 



So when the time had come I stood at the edge of the pool-- the deep end-- I realized that I hadn't been swimming in such a long time I couldn't remember when it was.  So I stood there on the edge for a little while and wondered what was going to happen when I got in the water.  Would I sink to the bottom?  Would I flounder about?  Would I remember how to swim?  (Side note:  When my son was little he called swimming underwater 'drowning'   "Mommy look!  I am drowning"  Cute, right?)
Eventually I jumped in.  I did not drown.  But it did cause some waves and agitation in the pool

Right off they give you some weights to use.  These things looked innocent enough because they are made of foam but once they hit the water they turn into these:

For perspective on the size of the barbells, this is an amoeba.  See how big they are COMPARED TO AN AMOEBA????

Anyhow.... it was a great class.  The instructor was friendly and funny.  The other gals in the class were fun too.  One was a friend I knew back in high school so we caught up with our lives.  We really did work out hard.  My joints did not hurt.
Best of all.......
Drumroll please............
I DID NOT GET ALL SWEATY!!!

I know, right?

Still Maintaining My Denial

Day 8 Since Bogus Diabetes Diagnosis

So far I have been a very good girl.  I haven't had any candy or baked goodies at all.  I am eating moderate amounts of fruits and veggies.
I have cut back on the starches and replaced with complex carbs
I cut back my coffee intake and my diet soda intake
I am getting ready to start water aerobics class
I have a meeting this weekend with a professional health coach
I have been reading and researching
I have been poking at my fingers and reading my BG (blood glucose) reading and logging it every day.


So far I am pretty sure the meter is broken.
It keeps giving me readings that are in the 140s which just cannot be right because that would mean that......
That........
I may really have diabetes which is a total bunch of baloney..... Hooey....  Crapola......

My sister has mastered the art of disease denial.  She doesn't really believe she is epileptic-- and why should she?  She pretty much has to take everyone else's word for it since she never remembers her little episodes.  So she is suspicious that I have launched a massive conspiracy that includes the family, the hospital, the ambulance drivers, the paramedics and her molars (to chew up her tongue).
Her proof that we are all making it up:  She doesn't pee on herself like most people do during a grand mal seizure.


So I am not really convinced that I have a problem yet.
I mean, I don't feel 'sick'.
I think it is just a way of getting me to lose the hundred and fifty   massive elephant like  blobbish  couple of extra pounds I am carrying
It is those clever diabetic supply companies trying to get ANOTHER member of the house to buy all this STUFF!

Yeah..... you guys all go ahead and believe I have a problem.  I will just make good use of this opportunity to drop those lbs....

While I Was At Work.....

Happy Independence Day USA!

So far today I have celebrated by going to work for most of the day and then came home to sit in front of our evaporative cooler.    It is hot here kiddos.
I don't know how hot, but well into triple digits because that is how we roll here in the Mojave Desert.
But at least it is a dry heat, right? 
NOT TODAY!  
Today we have yucky clouds and humidity-- this means my evaporative cooler is not really working  very well.  If you are not familiar with said device please allow me to educate you.
An evaporative cooler works by having air flow through pads that are soaked in water.  Through evaporation this causes the air to be cold.  It is just that simple.  But it only works in a very dry climate, which we usually are--- BUT NOT TODAY!!!!!!!!
So I am a tad bit whiney.  And the cats and I are sitting in front of the unit and our hair/fur is blowing in the breeze and standing straight up.  Yeah, you wish I took a picture!!!
I feel a little ashamed for whining like this, but you asked so it is your fault.
On another subject which actually pains me to talk about....
Some friends of mine from my small group at church got into a horrible motorcycle accident a few days ago and one of them did not live.   The other is in intensive care even now.  She has lost part of her leg.  This stretch of road is famous for idiot people trying to pass and causing accidents and this is what happened here.  The world has lost a truly great guy who was always funny and laughing and eager to help.  They are one of the couples in my small group whose relationship made me a little envious on occasion.  Let me side note here to exlain that at my church, after the main service, we have the option of being a part of a small group of 10-25 people for the purposes of encouraging one another and serving one another and having fun together.  I have an awesome group.  You really should be jealous and if you are a local you might consider joining us.  Anyhow, this accident is a great tragedy and though I am quite certain that Ron is with His Lord and is actually better off than we, it is still a very sad time.  I am struck with the thought, as I always am when these things happen, of what it must have been like for Ron to close his eyes on that road and open them to the majesty of God and Heaven.  I believe with all my heart that this was a joyous occasion for him.  I pray that when this moment occurs for all of you that you will also experience this joy.  And if you are so inclined, please pray for Karen as she recovers physically and emotionally.  I know losing Ron is going to be a very very hard loss for her and their family and all their friends.

Santa Barbara Summer Soltice Pictures

My New Tattoo

(It is henna so it will go away)

Our Bed & Breakfast



Monica Kissing Ryan Reynolds

(There was a lot of slobber)



The Summer Soltice Parade

AdVentura

Wherein I regale you with tales of our Mini-Vacation:
(Pictures to follow in another post.  Posting pictures and writing is soooo frustrating!)

We set out Thursday afternoon for Ventura.  It is about a 90 drive and so we arrived just in time for the evening cocktail hour at our Bed & Breakfast. 
Let me interrupt myself for a commercial--- if ever you have an opportunity to stay in Ventura do yourselves a big favor and stay at the Victorian Rose.  It is on Main St and it was once a Methodist church.  They have done a great job restoring and adding all the modern conveniences.  The innkeepers are so friendly and hospitable and wonderful cooks. We LOVED it!  I know we will be back!
After our treats we settled into our room which was so pretty.  Sure a little Gothy Floral, but beautiful furniture and tile work.  Off to the first item on our list:  The wedge salad at C-Street followed by some amazing mac and cheese.  The waiter treated us to an amuse bouche of ahi tuna sashimi on a tortilla chip.  This sounds very fancy, I know.  I think it was a slow night, lol.  Of course being true to form we did manage to embarrass ourselves with our mutual lack of brain function:  I decided to move some money over to our joint account instead of constantly splitting the checks and so while I was doing the banking on my phone she was using the debit card for that account to pay for dinner.  That is right the one with no money in it until I had finished the transaction  And so this poor embarrassed waiter had to come to our table and announce that our credit card had been denied.  What fun! We slunk out of the restaurant and back to our room where we settled in for the night. During dinner we realizied that we had mis-communicated our need to work on Sunday and so decided to add a night to our trip.  Sadly we had to change motels but it worked out okay.  No repeat of last year when we did that only to end up in a smoking room!
Some of the fun of staying in a B & B is that you have breakfast around the table like a family in thte morning.  This gives you a great opportunity to meet interesting people.  We had a couple on their honeymoon, a couple from Peru, a couple from the East Coast.  And she served a creme brulee french toast that was amazing.  We discussed any manner of intersting topics around the table for almost 2 hours.  Then it was off to the harbor where we did some window shopping, took the harbor cruise with a very entertaining boat captain (saw some seals and pelicans and hear some very bad puns) and then stopped for a lunch of our favorite Flaming Goat Cheese at the Greek resaurant served by a very adorable young man.  Eye candy always is a Plus!  As hard as I was trying to have a care free day this was the day I was experiencing what I hope was good old anxiety and not actual chest pains as well as other yucky physical ailments.  And so we went back for a nap.  Ahhhh is there anything nicer than a nap?  We had many of these.  I should be completely rested up and yet today...... I still feel tired. 
After our nap we decided to go to the movies and see the Green Lantern.  Starring my sisters big celebrity crush Ryan Reynolds.  My sister has a poster of RR in her bedroom.  (Be sure to see pic of Monica and Ryan).
Saturday we decided to head up to Santa Barbara.  Last year we did this same thing and were surprised to find out it was Fiesta Weekend and so we were treated to booths and a parade.  Imagine our surprise when we realized we had happened upon another Festival:  The Summer Soltice Festival!  This was a parade of different groups of people dressed up in jungle themed outfits and dancing etc.  This had to be a "Doo Dah" type parade.  And of course there were booths and food and all kinds of fun in the park.  Monica and I got (henna) tattoos!   You can still see them!

It was a great early birthday weekend!!!
Be sure to see the pictures post follow

It Was Inevitable

I don't think anyone is going to be "Oh no, I am so shocked I need to sit down" surprised by this but I have diabetes.
Type 2  Hopefully controlled by diet (OMG) and exercise (WHAT????) kind of diabetes
I still have to poke my finger and bleed onto a strip that a little machine can read, but so far I don't have to give myself shots.
I do not have heart problems so that is good.  I was having chest pains last week but that must be from my job which is making me want to drop dead.

Boring Medical Picture

Some of you may not know a lot about diabetes but I will carefully explain everything to you.  With pictures.  This is what my nurse practitioner did for me the other day.  I had blood work a few weeks previous and when she walked into the examining room with a Big Color Book that said something like "So, You Finally Have Diabetes:  Do You REALLY Want To Die?" I knew that my life was going to change. (By the way everything else looked good and I am not pregnant after all-- what a relief!)

I know a fair amount about The Diabetes because my niece Rebecca who lives with us has Type 1 diabetes as well as her brother who lives with his dad.  I also just did a research paper on the subject but since I didn't want to be a smarty pants I let her go through her whole spiel.

Here is how it goes:

Your pancreas produces a hormone, called insulin that your body needs to have in order to turn carbohydrates (carbs or glucose or sugars) into energy that your body and brain need to function.
Here is a happy, healthy pancreas.  It happily does it's job and keeps the glucose level in the bloodstream at a workable level that is neither too high (producing all kinds of horrible things) or too low (which can cause other bad things).  Happy Pancreas keeps things Just Right.

Hi I Am Mr Happy Pancreas!!

I don't have one of those, neither do my niece and nephew.

RIP Mr Pancreas

This is a dead pancreas.  Researchers are trying to figure out why this happens. This is Type 1 diabetes and commonly strikes children and was once called Juvenile diabetes. A person with a (basically) dead pancreas will be dependent on taking insulin all their lives.  This is a very difficult condition to manage as you need to poke your finger and check your sugar many times a day every day.  If this condition is not managed well many bad things will happen which I will explain a little later.

This is the pancreas my niece and nephew have.  Not me--- not yet anyhow.



I Am LeAnn's Pancreas 
Meh.......

 Here is a Type 2 pancreas.  He works some of the time and his host body has become insulin resistant which means he acts like a teenager:  He is moody.  He doesn't like to work consistently. Sometimes he works.  Sometimes he don't.   He wants to just be a slacker.   He resists attempts to do his job.  He drops his wet towels right next to the hamper and then sighs loudly when you ask him to put it IN the hamper.  He is like "Why is it MY job to make the insulin?"  He asks to drive your car and moves the seat up so you can't sit in it decently.  Plus he uses all your gas but doesn't fill it back up.  He cares only for himself.
How did he get so tired and worn out and resistant?
More than likely his host body looks like this:
(Not actual pictures of me but a very very close proximity)

My NP then told me various stories about people who did not take care of their diabetes.  First we had the guy who fell asleep smoking a cigarette.  When he woke up later he had burned a large hole in his foot.  Since his feet have bad circulation he didn't even feel it.  Sooner or later he will lose his feet.  Her bother also had the disease and she described his prolonged death in a nursing home. I can also look forward to glaucoma, cataracts, hearing loss, hypertension, ketoacidosis, strokes, kidney failure, neuropothy, coma, gum disease, depression, skin infections, gastroparesis, perifial arterial disease, rabies, gonorrhea, ringworm, prostate trouble (in women only), malaria, excessive flatulence, mad cow disease, did I mention rabies?  Parvo, elephantitis, blackheads, werewolve syndrome, walking-backwards-syndrome, foreign hand syndrome, hoof and mouth disease, hemorrhoids, and even rabies.

And most of all you will lose your limbs... bit by bit by bit.  Until there is nothing left but your head.

But I am afforded the opportunity to try to reverse my disease or put off the worse of it for as long as possible.  I need to lose a few pounds (eh probably 160 or so) and get regular exercise (YIKES) and manage my blood sugar level.  So far I don't seem to be able to eat anything. 

I am praying that the very real prospects of having body parts fall off bit by bit (I feel like a leper or a zombie) combined with the thought of having to shoot myself up will finally give me the motivation nothing else has been able to give me-- to not only lose the weight (as I have so many times before) but make sure it doesn't find me again.

So, you can feel sorry for me if you want to.  I know that I have earned this disease and I alone can do something about it now.  Since I can't use chocolate to numb the pain I will accept gift cards.