Bipolar Dieting

Dear Minions...... I have still not figured out why I can't download pictures.
No Bloggy Prince Charming swoped in to save the day.
Where is that dang Prince???  Get over here Buddy!!!  I need some saving!!!

So I thought I would relate to you a day in my life..... today in fact...  because my life is just that facinating.
I woke up at 5:15 and realized I was still sick.  Dragged myself out of bed.  Forgot to feed the dog.  Forgot to feed the front yard cat.  Dragged trash next to trash can but not into it so as not to wake up Lauren.
Got in the car and had my usual early morning conversation with God about my day while the frost de-frosted off the windshield. 
Convinced myself that I had to go to work
Went to work 
Left an hour later to go to business meeting in Yucaipa (and this is where things got dicey)
Drove through Carls Jr
Got an egg sandwich and hash browns (heaven help me, my first Diet Sin of the day)
Put the bag on the car floor and started conversation with diet angel and diet devil on my shoulders about eating it.
Lost battle over hash browns 5 miles later
Continued sandwich battle
Lost sandwich battle 50 miles later  (it was cold)(but still good, heaven help me)
Start thinking about my life.  Not a good sign.  THis is why I hate to drive alone.  Start thinking about weird dreams having lately about a man who seems to be combination of ex-husband and this other man I thought was my One True Love.  We keep getting married-- me and this hybrid man.  Always wake up happy.  Wonder what this means.
Started cookie battle
There is a McDonalds at the 215 freeway entrance.   They have good cookies.  They also have apple slices
Avoided McDonalds stopped at AM PM and purused market.  Eyed cookies.  Eyed ice cream  Eyed alcohol   Settled on trail mix no chocolate just nuts and raisins.
Put trail mix on floor of car
Continued to drive
Reached destination 1 hour early.   Answered phone calls from business contacts that couldnt be bothered to drive 2 hours to get $50,000   Am appalled and flabergasted by this.  Eye the trail mix  Go in to meeting  Find out 2 companies will be hour late.  Drink diet soda.  Whine to various people on the phone.
Meetings finally over.   Get back in car
Decide to drive to nearby casino to play the slots before I start back.  Figure I can get a good lunch too.  Get to casino and realize that is really stupid idea since I am in possession of large checks.  Start driving again.
Start looking for restaurant for lunch
Angel and devil are arguing furiously and giving me massive headache
I mean furiously and both have valid points.  Making head pound.  Even inner ears hurt.
Give in and stop at Burger King.  Look at menu to ascertain most healthy choice. 
Am APPALLED AT HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A BURGER
SERIOUSLY WHAT DO THEY PUT IN THEM????
Feeling very defeated buy a Whopper in spite of calorie count they put right on the menu!!!
And onion rings.  I mean if you are going to hell anyhow, may as well go all in, right?  Am grateful they don't have cookies too
Get back on freeway..... put bag on floor of car..... make it 20 miles before eating some onion rings.
Make it another 20 miles before eating bite of burger.  A Bite mind you
Continue ongoing inner dialog about life.  Wonder about dreams having lately about my boss where I am his mother.  Decide this one actually makes sense. 
Decide am having burger remorse.  Am overcome with disgust.  Pull over and throw burger and remaining onion rings away.
Decide to drive through the desert on the way home.  Not sure why.  Drive by Lake Los Angeles which used to be actual lake but is now just a area in the desert that is slightly hollowed out.  Meditiate on how in the world someone made that lake to start with.  More importantly-- why. 
Stop at mini market.  Cruise through market.  Eye wine.  Wonder if this could be written off as office expense.  Eye box of little chocolate donuts that are amazingly actually calling out my name.  Spend a lot of time.  Am disgusted with myself.  Buy M & Ms anyhow.  Even more disgusted now.
Start driving again. Actually open trail mix.  Eat some trail mix.  Eat an M & M.  Counting M & Ms.  Gradually get up to 12.  Pull over.  Throw out remainder of trail mix.  Wonder if crows eat M & Ms  decide if they will eat road kill will eat M & Ms.  Throw them out too.  Start thinking about how much stuff I have thrown out today, realize could have bought a cute sweater with the money I have thrown out for the birds.  Am disgusted with myself for wasting money
Finally get back to town.  Am attacked when walk in office with problems that have been waiting for me.
Want to cry.  Thinking about cookies again.  Thinking about Prince Charming again.  Thinking about just getting back in the car and driving out into the middle of the desert.........
Start thinking about Weight Watchers being a no win situation.  If I go and lost weight will feel like I can get away with stuff.  If go and gained weight will feel digusted with myself (as if that is new) and jump out of office window (yes the one on the ground floor-- it is the principal of the thing) Decide to skip Weight Watchers and go home.
Get home.  Go directly to bed.  Leave keys in front door.

I Need Technical Support

Sunday Night
Thoughts running through my mind....

I am very frustrated at what Blogger has done in the last few days to the uploading of pictures.  CAN SOMEONE HELP ME????????
Meanwhile I can't blog with photographs!  Yikes  No fun at all

This weekend I have been battling that upper respiratory thing and coughing and hacking.  I still managed to sing in the choir.  I use the term 'sing' loosely.  To be honest I am not really sure what was coming out of my mouth and was just hoping it wasn't noticeable.  I saw Kathy gesturing in my direction so who knows what was going on.  Sure she was signing to deaf people but I think she was also sneaking in a few statements about my voice.  I could just be paranoid though......
HOW CAN I DOWN LOAD PICTURES????
I don't want to go to work tomorrow.  Work is no fun.  I have really begun to dread going to work.
Can I get an 'Amen'?
I REALLY HATE THAT I CAN'T DOWNLOAD PICTURES
School is going great.  I know it is cutting into my blog time and I feel badly about that.  I could kill two birds with one stone but that would just be violent and gross--- however if I posted my Philosophy essays on here it might be very interesting for some of you and others might just jump out your window with the profundity of it all. 
PICTURES?  HELLO????
I have to do a speech for my public speaking class soon on my 'culture'.  I am going to speak about my my LACK of a culture.  I am trying to de-define my life.  It is going to rock.  I don't know what is cooler:  Reading me for entertainment or actually hearing me talk.
BUT IT WOULD BE BETTER WITH PICTURES!!!
I mean here is some motivation for you, blogs I want to do but can't because I can't upload pictures:
Another wedding marquee
Weekly Vegetable Challenge
Aliens Among Us
My sister using the bathroom
Sheep on the freeway
How to Change A Toilet Paper Roll
And Many Other EXCITING THINGS!

Please help!!!

Puzzling

Done with it

Years and years of trying to fit all the pieces together

Every so often the fit in perfectly, but mostly they don't

I try you know.  I really do.  I look carefully

and I do all the things that make sense

And then, in frustration, I try to cram them together.  Make them fit

The edges get frayed then--

Looks like an accordian not the sharp clean edges that they were

Not so pretty

I really do try to fit-- but usually I just don't

I can see it.  I can see how the path is supposed to go. 

If I could just make everything fit together

I am tired of it.

How am I going to find the right away to go then?

Maybe there isn't a right way. 

Maybe whatever way you go is right enough.

So I don't fit

I am going to make my own way

I am going to make my own path

I am going to make a point of wandering around. 

Looking up at the trees. 

 Looking down for some flowers or leaves or whatever

Interesting isn't always pretty    Beauty isn't always common 

Value is whatever I want it to be

Bite me

This is how it is going to go

Magpie Tales is a blog dedicated to poets and writers with the purpose of honing their craft, sharing it with like minded bloggers and keeping their muse alive and well. For more stories inspired by this picture go to
http://magpietales.blogspot.com/

Another Road Trip From Hell

Before I begin to describe the last two days of my life, let me answer a question posed by my Minions about It's Cake:  How much did the cake end up costing?  How can you put a price on your child's happiness?

Soooo.....
As you may know my sister's ex and some of her children live in Cedar City Utah.  Yes, they are Utards (they call themselves that don't get all enraged).  Every so often she is required by the courts to get her youngest who lives with us up to be there for a visitation.  This is an 800+ mile road trip kiddos.  I am not going to get into details let's just suffice to say that this one was starting out at noon on Friday and was not going to include an overnight stay. 
We left here at noon.  Becca went right to sleep.  Yay.  UNBELIEVABLY she woke up an hour later and never stopped talking the whole rest of the time.  And she was mean. She is suffering from Emily's Disease... if you know my mother you understand.  It is a constant, inability to stop talking.  And now coversating mind you.. just blabbing on and on and on.... UNBELIEVABLY she does not always find me as entertaining as everyone else does (I know, right?) But she would stop if we put on Justin Bieber music.  Ya'll I know know every Justin Bieber song by heart.  Sure he looks all sweet and cuddly but what 12 year old should be talking about love and being together forever etc???  It is ridiculous.  Sure he has great hair but.... And my sister wonder about things like: How do you get your Teen Idol teenager to take out the trash? or what is all this about his father who abandoned him as a baby gliding on into his life now and how ticked off is his mom?
Anyhoww......
Since I knew there was little chance I would survive this trip adhereing to my diet I decided to take a diet break.  Fun but not smart.  Hadn't had sugar or fast food in 5 weeks.  Nothing I ate sat well in my stomach.  Tasted AWESOME but made me sick. SO WORTH IT!!!!  Also got carsick.  Not as much fun.  Hello McDonald's Iced Coffee.... Hello Taco Bell... Hello chocolate covered expresso beans.... Hello more coffee... Hello zinger.  Oh yeah, it was a binge all right. (hanging head in shame).  We got to Cedar at 7:30 after fighting several bouts of traffic.  We were so tired.  We slowed the car down, threw Becca and her stuff out and headed out of town.  Not really--- but close enough. 
It is quiet.  There is no Bieber.   Ahhhh.... so we drive and drive and drive.....
Since I am FaceBooking as I go I get lots of ideas from various helpful friends on how to help with my upset stomach.  These include:  Thai Food, Haggis, oysters in rancid mayonaise, liver, McRibs, David Cassidy & Bobby Sherman, Sushi and goat testicles.  My sister brought a supply 'healthful' snacks including  Goats Milk Caramel Pops.  Seriously. 
We see signs saying No Buzzed Driving and we wonder--- what about Zzzzzzd driving?  We talk and talk about ex husbands and ex boyfriends and about this car we saw that had DIVORCE PARTY-- VEGAS HERE WE COME and had something that looked like a dead body wrapped in a tarp on it.
We are out in the middle of nothing and norwhere when I look over and realize that we are on Empty.  And The HEY IDIOT YOU HAVE BEEN ON EMPTY FOR A LONG TIME' light is on.  We do not know how long this has been happening but start giggling about how TERRIFIC it would be to run out of gas.  It is about 11:30 and we have been driving for about 12 hours straight.  We are praying for gas.  We wonder if God is shaking His head and wondering if it was really a good idea to put us in the same family.  Suddenly we see a truck stop.  We get gas.  By the way I forgot to mention that when we got gas on the way up my sister could not find the gas tank (I told her next time you steal a car look for the gas tank (we had borrowed mom and dads car for the better mileage) and when she realized she had parked the wrong side she tried to stretch the hose over the car hood.  Even though she was entertaining the other customers I made her go inside for snacks so I could fill up. Anyhow... back to the truck stop.  We are heading to the restroom when we hear an announcement over the loudspeaker  "BUS!" and we wonder what that means until AN ENTIRE BUS FULL OF TEENAGE GIRLS DECENDS ON THE TRUCK STOP!!  It was terrifying.  They had so much energy!!!!   We grabbed our snacks (this is where I got the Zingers)(and the reeses)(and the diet pepsi) and headed out.  We had decided that there was no way we were going to make it home so we decided to get a room at Whisky Petes at Stateline.  So at that point we figured we had 1.5 hours to go.  So we see the sign for the freeway... decide to go SOUTH and start down the road.... it seems to be a very long onramp.  A really loooong onramp.  CAN THIS REALLY BE THE ONRAMP?  We are veering away from the freeway.  This is starting to seem like it may possibly be a mistake. We wonder... how long will it take for someone to find us in the middle of the desert?   How long can we make the zingers, potatoe chips, reese cups, charlston chews, butter toffee peanuts, oreo snacksters and diet pepsi last?  When we run out what part of my sister should I eat first or should one of us cut off an appendage and eat that together first and how will we decide who?  I am the oldest so shouldnt I get to decide?  I think so too!
We decide to do something feminine and admit we made a mistake and turn around. I know that some of you men do not understand this but just go with it for now, okay?
We backtrack and figure out that the REAL on ramp is about 20 feet beyond the road we had taken.  So we get going again having only wasted 20-30 minutes but having learned a lot about our survival skills.
Finally the glow of Las Vegas..... then the rain hits..... we see a bright light in the distance and I speculate that this looks like a brontasaurus.  Turns out it is a million people driving to vegas from the other direction.  We seem to be the only people driving away from vegas on friday night of a holiday weekend.  FINALLY we reach Stateline and park the car carefully observing where we parked.  (by the way a very good friend recently gave me a very good tip on how to park when you have lost your mind and lose your car:  Always park straight out from the door even when you have to park further out.) We go inside where they are apparently observing the Walmart rule:  When you have 25 people in line and multiple registers never open more than two registers at a time.  We are punch drunk with exhaustion and planning on sleeping until the hotel throws us out and then shopping at the outlet store.  If you listen carefully you can hear God laughing at our plans........ We go to bed.  Well, first we hunt down non-existant ice and eat a bunch of junk and drink warm diet pepsi-- then we go to bed  By the way--- no Guy Fieri on the TV.  What is with that????   We are awakened at 1:30 which is about 20 minutes after falling asleep by the phone.  It is my son who tells me that my daughter is having trouble breathing and they are heading to the urgent care.  She has new insurance with her dad.  I do not have the info.  Dumb.  I ask if I should come home wondering if I can even do that. He says to wait for a call.  They call back at 2:30--- still waiting.  They call at 3:00 she has a bad upper respitory and is very sick.  Still cannot decide about leaving. I am delirious with exhaustion. At 3:30 they call they are home.  She got a breathing treatment and is going to sleep.  I decide she will be okay.  After all she is the age I was when I was married right?  I go to sleep-- she calls at 6:00 crying.  Please come home.  We grab clothes and hit the road. We can't find the car of course.  We wonder how embarrassing it will be to call your parents and tell them the car is gone.  There is snow on the ground.  We also find out that there was 5" of snow in Cedar City at that point-- so glad we had gone when we did.  We are zombies.  We somehow pull into town at 11:30 and Thank God He got us home.  I get Lauren gatorade and make some eggs and hit my bed.
Not the best road trip--- sadly I am sure there will be another one before too long.
By the way..... my niece comes home Monday.  That is right we do all this for a 3 day weekend.  Crazy right?  Divorce will kill you

It Had A Party



Stacey Is SUCH a Nerd!!
(She is eating Nerd Candy)
(She was like MOM TAKE MY PICTURE)

 So we packed up The Cake and took it too The Party at Lauren's dads house in Alta Dena.  They are remodeling so this is their living room-- poor guys have been constructing for 2 years now!  Anyhow they had set up Karaoke and food and it was a lot of fun!  I feel really blessed to be able to enjoy time with my ex and our kids.

Lauren and Her New Juicy Coutre Bag

Lauren and Rebecca Do Cousin Karaoke

Lauren's B-Day Cake

Both my kids were born in February.  Brandon turned 26 on the 4th and Lauren turned 19 on the 14th.  It is awesome to have both birthdays so close after Christmas!  It gives me the whole rest of the year to recuperate financially!  Brandon is much less a social animal so he chose dinner with the family at the Claim Jumper.  We all shared the piece of cake. 

Brandon's Much Simpler Party

I am truly blessed with my children and my family and I thank God for them every day.  Okay that may be only partly true.  Most days I thank God and sometimes I ask Why God?   But I do love them every day so that is pretty awesome!

It Wanted A Cake

February 14th just happens to be my daughter Lauren's Birthday.  This girl has Big Dreams and Ideas.  This year for her birthday cake she really, really, really wanted a professionally made fondant cake.  Those puppies cost over $200.00.  She calls me The Dreamkiller.  I did not want to spend that kind of money on a cake ESPECIALLY if it wasn't chocolate (she doesn't like chocolate) (SHE DOESN'T LIKE CHOCOLATE DID YOU GET THAT????) and I am on Weight Watchers so I wasn't going to waste points on vanilla cake (egad)  (down 13.8 lbs now thank you very much).  So I told her I could make one.  She was skeptical.  I used to make wedding cakes and get paid for it but this kid never believes I can do anything!  So I went to our friendly neighborhood craft store and bought the stuff I thought I would need.  And then I set out on this new adventure!  Fondant:  The Final Frontier

First the cakes.  She wanted three tiers.  That is a lot of cake.  She wanted pink cake.  Not strawberry cake- vanilla cake colored pink.  So I make the batter and put it in the pans and slid them into the oven.  Then I took them out of the oven, put the batter back in the mixer and made the dang batter pink.  Then I put them back in the pans.  Back in the oven.  Then I crumb coated them and put them in the freezer because that makes them easier to work with and extra moist.

I rolled out the black and realized it wasn't enough. I went to Michaels for more stuff. I rolled out the pink and made the dots.  I went back to Michaels to buy more stuff.  I banged my head against the wall wondering why I thought this was such a great idea.  And yet, in the end, it turned out pretty well!  Next blog:  The Party!



Working the Fondant



Making Fondant Dots



The Begining



Finished Cake



It's Another Wedding Marquee!

Mommy & Daddy

Sittin In A Tree

K-i-s-s-i-n-g

First Comes..........HUH????

Isn't it First Comes LOVE

Then Comes MARRIAGE

THEN Comes Baby In A Baby Carriage

Am I Confused?????

Dear Marquee People:

Thank you for all your blog material!

You never fail to disapoint!

Sincerely~

Always Amazed At What People What Said About Their Wedding Reception

The Great Veggie Challenge

Welcome!  Come on down!  You are the next contestant on "WHAT THE HECK IS THAT AND WHY WOULD I WANT TO EAT IT???" 
The All New Great Fenner-Williamson Vegetable Challenge
Every week we will be highlighting a new vegetable in our never ending challenge to find something to eat that isn't a carrot because that is why diets don't work.  You get bored and annoyed with carrots after awhile. 
Sure they are cute little baby carrots at first all sweet and crunchy but after you have eaten like 3,583,921 dang baby carrots thye just aren't that terrific anymore.
So you go hunting.....
Shhhhhhh
Be Wary Wary Quiet
I'm hunting......
Vegetables
Interesting, obscure, potentially tasty NON CARROT VEGETABLES
First you find a likely hunting ground
I like Vons on 40th St West, Albertsons on 20th St West or Trader Joes in Palmdale.
It all depends on my mood. 
You don your hunting gear.  I like to 'borrow' a yellow flourescent safety vest from work and a hard hat.
Don't forget your camera
And you head into the store. 
DO NOT STOP NEAR THE COOKIES!!
Evil store marketing people put the cookies in the direct path of the produce section.  It is no accident people.  They are EVIL. 
Dont stop in front of the sugar free pasteries---- those posers... just hurry on past all those lucious chocolate brownies........  SHAKE IT OFF!!!!!!  Picture those brownies stuck to your butt.  That's right... keep moving.
Until you reach the produce.  For now stroll past the fruits-- those we will leave for another day.  Scan the organic section.......  Are we feeling superior?  Do we need to define ourselves by the Produce Caste System that is Organic Produce?  No, we do not.  Do you know why?  
It is simple.
Because the stuff we are likely to buy is going to taste like poop.  And you do not need to spend extra money on it.  Not this trip.  If you discover that you love it then come back and get the good stuff.  Chances are you are going to be trying to find a charitable way to describe it.  You will use words like "It has an interesting texture", "What a pretty color!", "That is such a vegetable!" but what you will really be thinking is "I am never eating this again", "This is NOT going into the dinner rotation", "PEOPLE BUY THIS ON PURPOSE"?
First up:  Fennel.  In the store it was called Anise so I looked it up:  Although they share a similar taste profile—reminiscent of black licorice—fennel and anise are two different plants. The botanical name of anise is Pimpinella anisum while the botanical name of fennel is Foeniculum vulgare. Both anise and fennel belong to the Apiaceae family.In addition to the fact that they share a similar flavor, what often creates confusion among these two plants/foods is that fennel is often referred to as anise. Since the whole plant (bulb, stalks, fronds) of fennel is consumed while it is usually just the seeds from the anise plant that are eaten, if you see a vegetable-like plant called "anise," chances are that it is actually fennel.
Now you are schooled.  Here is my lovely assistant, Chanel, introducing you to the Fennel.

Then I looked up how to prepare the Fennel (who was masquarading as Anise in Albertsons-- cheeky veggie isn't she?) and I discovered that I should chop off her head and quarter her bulb then toss with olive oil and some balsamic vinegar and roast in the oven.
This is what it looked like when I was pretty much convinced it was done.

And now, for the results:

It had a texture rather like an onion.

It was very pretty before I cut it up.

It did have an interesting licorce after taste

I am glad we tried it though it will not be entering into the dinner rotation at this time

It had a good beat, and I could really dance to it.

Next Up:  Rapini

 

Magpie Tale: Being Left is Not Right

Thank You St Valentine For This Week's Inspiration

(With Help From The Magpie Prompt)

A Haiku To Express How I Feel

You Left Me Alone

My Soul Is Missing A Half

Fragile Heart Of Stone

Magpie Tales is a blog dedicated to poets and writers with the purpose of honing their craft, sharing it with like minded bloggers and keeping their muse alive and well. For more stories inspired by this picture go to
http://magpietales.blogspot.com/

Magpie: Maybe He Should Get A Cat

I should go inside

Or not

It is cold out here

But it will be cold inside too

I can build a fire in the fireplace

But that won't change anything

It is cold out here

And the trees look dead

And I feel cold inside

Magpie Tales is a blog dedicated to poets and writers with the purpose of honing their craft, sharing it with like minded bloggers and keeping their muse alive and well. For more stories inspired by this picture go to

http://magpietales.blogspot.com/

Wedding Chapel Marquee: More HUH?

 
My philosophy class is causing me to spend an enormous amount of time trapped inside my brain thinking Very Deep Thoughts and writing essays using Very Long Words.

Minions, it is exhausting.


For example:  Another Wedding Chapel Marquee
Things like this cause existential crisis in my psyche.

If you are together forever.... then you are 'together FOREVER'..... not just until the end of time, right?

If not what does Forever mean? And when does time end? Does forever end nanoseconds before time ends? Or is it the other way around?

Or... was this a sneaky way of saying "We will be together... until our relationship is out of time...."

Makes you think.......

Well, it makes ME think anyhow.......

What, dear Minions, do YOU think????

Magpie: Broken Road

Broken Road

(A Magpie Tale)

I used to believe

That the smooth, symmetrical roads were the best

The proudest achievement

That which should be pursued

And that seemed to work

For a Time

And Then

The edges crumbled and the colors deepened

And I saw that there were so many different colors

And the lack of mathematics was far more fascinating

And the edges were frayed, not crumbled

And this road, while surely not as safe, led to adventure 

And while lacking in perfection,  

Was all the more beautiful in its uniqueness

And so I set out on it

To discover it's Treasure

Magpie Tales is a blog dedicated to poets and writers with the purpose of honing their craft, sharing it with like minded bloggers and keeping their muse alive and well. For more stories inspired by this picture go to

http://magpietales.blogspot.com/