Entrapment

Nobody knows the trouble I seen....................
Nobody knows the sorrow...................

Hey, Buddy... you got a cigarette?

I was framed!  FRAMED I TELL YOU!!
The DOG did it!!!




(Figaro on his way to the V-E-T to get N-E-U-T-E-R-E-D)

Lost & Found

I found something this weekend I didn't even realize was lost.


But I need to back up to tell the whole story
Let me paint a you a word picture

Visualize a feather pillow-- with a live grenade inside

This was my divorce

I went to sleep on an average night secure in my little world and thinking I knew everything about it. About 2:00am my husband woke me up and took about 15 minutes to explain to me that everything I thought I knew about my life was a lie and that he was going to leave me and the kids so he could be Happy.
And then he was gone. Forever.
That was when the grenade went off. And the feathers that exploded in a million different directions were my soul.
I spent quite a long time in shock-- staring at everything as it swirled around me. Not even able to catch any of it-- too busy trying to figure out how to live in this new life. In this house that was missing a husband and a father. How to figure out how to keep my brand new job. How to sleep alone when my kids were with their dad and not in my bed. How to get HIV tests and lawyers. How to go take the dog for a walk so I could cry without scaring the kids. How to survive.
As time went along things settled. But I wasn't the same person. There were parts missing. I couldn't go to my groups anymore: I certainly couldn't teach the Young Marrieds Sunday School class the next Sunday! I couldn't even participate in their functions. Now I was a Single. I didn't have many friends left--- mostly they turned out to be Friends by Proximity and when we weren't in the same group we just weren't a part of each others lives. It took a long time to learn to be a Single. For the longest time I still felt married-- just didn't have a husband anymore. Someone else had him. I kept trying to fit back into my old life, but I couldn't and I didn't know where I did fit it.  Nothing felt right.  I felt lost all the time. I stopped enjoying the holidays. I took everything off the walls of the house and didn't re-decorate. I stopped sewing and doing crafts. I couldn't connect with God. I lost my self worth as a woman (being left for a man will do that to you).
There were so many feathers that floated away.
Some I did chase and captured
Some I didn't miss enough to chase them.
Some I didnt even notice were gone.
Some I couldn't catch no matter how hard I tried.

This weekend I found one. And I didn't know I had lost it until I found it again.
Music

From the time I was small I had sung in choirs and musicals. In high school I was in the Show Choir. I made the Southern California Honor Chorus one year. I played piano and percussion in orchestras and was in the very first handbell ensemble at Grace Chapel-- when it was First Baptist down on Lancaster Blvd. I led worship teams and listened to the radio and sang along.
And I lost that.  I was broken and somehow unacceptable and there wasn't enough joy left to emerge in song for a very long time. Just about 14 years in fact.

Then a few weeks ago something my pastor said jogged my memory and I remembered that it was lost. And I went looking for it, and it was right there for me to choose if I wanted to.
So I did; and it is wonderful
Yeah it was right there waiting for me all along.

I found my voice.

Torture

Saturday morning I left the house much later than usual. Usually it is still dark when I leave home for work-- even on the weekends (because I am a work-a-holic) but this Saturday I slept in. Oh glorious thing, sleeping in!

And what assaulted my nose when I stepped out of the safety of my house?
What sinister smell attacked and threatened to knock me off my feet?

Someone was cooking......... BACON!

How un-supportive can my neighbors possibly be?
Don't they care about my diet?
Don't they care about my precarious emotional state?
Do they practise ninja-like methods of sabotage?
But I survived.  I forced myself into my car and tried to tell myself that the yogurt I was going to eat for breakfast was surely going to prove to be the most tasty amazing container of vanilla yogurt God has ever created. Surely the heavens would open up, a shaft of sunlight beaming down on my yogurt which would surely taste of............ well something other than yogurt....
It didn't really work.
But I survived.
I did not go door to door hunting for the perpetrator.
I didn't close my eyes and fantasize about a BLT.... WITH MAYONNAISE!!!!!!!
I did not go stand on the freeway offramp with a cardboard sigh that said "WIll Blog For Bacon"

No I did not.

I stood firm

And the storm passed.

But later............

I came home to the sanctuary of my home sweet home
And walked into the kitchen searching for a fat free, sugar free, snack--- like a plain rice cake.
When I heard it.............

At first I thought it was the wind outside my window
It was a softly inviting sound............ and soon I realized it was a voice..........
Rich....... and deep............ and beckoning me........... a siren song............
........... LeAnn.................Leeeee Annnnnnn.................Why do you ignore me when I know you want me so badly..............We used to be lovers, you and I................And now you have forsaken me............

LeAnn.....................come................come..................

Suddenly I was attacked from behind and a small piece of brownie forced itself into my mouth

I tried to fight it off.... I tried to spit it out..........       ButI could not............

I feel so ashamed
Weight Watchers.............. forgive me..............  for I have fallen..... and I can't get up..........

And I heard an answer from above..............
" Just count the points, my child, and sin no more"

The Answer to Your Fashion Dilemma

Raise your hand if you need noise to concentrate or sleep?

The QUIET is excruciating to me.    It reverberates in my brain.

I can't think. 

So I must have, at the very least, white noise at all times.

Even to sleep.

But to work I need Talk Radio

And not the political stuff either!

But this annoys my co-workers so I am trying to learn to use earplugs to listen off the computer.  This has been very frustrating because it makes for so short a tether.

So I went and googled "Ear Plug Extensions"

And I eventually found some and they are 25' long so now I can go anywhere in my office and still listen to Dr Joy Browne as she discusses life and theater and other interesting topics.

But I really must show you what I came across in my search:

Buy itearplugs.ecrater.com



See more products from this brand »

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I Am In Love.....

Yes, I am in love.....

With my Chiropractor, Dr Jose Limon.
Oh, not in the icky-mushy-gooey-maybe your wife needs to worry about me- kinda love.
No.... more like the "I wish I could take you home and keep you in the little closet under the stairway" kinda love.
Creepy?  No, really?  Me??? (maybe a little)
Dr Limon is the brother in law of my bestie Wayne.  Which means he is married to Wayne's sister who I also know quite well.  They are truly lovely people.

Last weekend I did something to my back.  It hurt really badly.  I had trouble standing up straight.  I had seen Dr Limon years ago before I started getting treated by an orthopedist for my cervical disk deterioration problem.   When I was crawling around and moaning a lot someone said "Hey why don't you go see a Chiropractor before I have to put you out of our misery?"
So I called Wayne and got a little whiny and he helped me get in to see Jose.
And the heavens opened up and a shaft of light beamed forth and Jose used his God given gift to fix my back.  And my neck too.  It was wonderful.  I felt so relaxed.  And it didn't hurt.  Even my neck felt better.  And he smelled good--- that was just a bonus.
I don't know what he did exactly, but it was a revelation.
Because I realized that over time I had accepted my chronic pain as being a new normal state in my life.
It had ceased to become a problem to overcome and became expected.
And that is very sad.   Because all it took was an open mind and a little trust and I feel better than I have in such a very long time.
And I got to thinking that isn't it just in our nature, some times, to get numb to what is wrong in our lives be it emotional pain or physical pain or unhappiness-- and give up. Stop fighting it.  Accept them as normal.  The best we can hope for.  All we deserve.  The best I can do.
Maybe it isn't the best you can hope for.
Maybe something better is worth reaching out for one more time. 
It feels good not to hurt.

I think Dr Jose My Chiropractor is safe for now... but I will be back, you can count on that.
And if you are looking for a great Chiropractor let me know!

Interesting Facts About My Dog

My dog, Samson, does not like it when I cough. 

It seems to concern him and he will come over to check on me.  He is clearly more protective of me than the Great Blogger Douce who's dog Chuck always leaves the room when she coughs.
The other night he woke me up pawing at my face.  I can only imagine that I was snoring and this was as disturbing to him as a cough. 
I worry, however, that it is something far more sinister.
I mean, I have no doubt that if I died in my sleep one of my furbabies would eat my cold dead body.  At least I hope it would be cold.  And actually dead.
I think that it is altogether possible that Sam was checking to see if I were already dead.  When I woke up he just wandered back to the foot of my bed and went back to sleep. 

I think he looked slightly disapointed.

Philosphy 101

There has been some confusion with my pet name for my readers.  There is a great band in my church who are all aging Rock Stars and they are Geezers (with a hard Guh sound) and they had it first so I am going to have to come up with a new trippy name for you all.  At the moment, I am liking the sound of "Minions"

My Study Partner is NOT Carrying His Weight!!

I Don't Think Laying Across the Keyboard or On My Notebook Constitutes Studying

And so, dear Minions, I know you are all troubled at the eminent start of the Spring Semester and what that means to my blog time and therefore to you all.
Sadly, my classes will cut into my blog time.  But the richness of the material that I know I will come across will more than make up for the quantity of the blogs.  Of this I am sure.
For example let me share with you the interests section of the profile of one of my fellow classmates.  This being an online class I will say that this person does not live in the area.  My professor, in fact, lives in Chicago.  So if you think this information looks familiar.... well you know some interesting people that is all I am going to say on the subject.  Because while I celebrate diversity and free thinking in my friends and readers--- Minions, this collection takes the cake.   I mean my profile is more like this:

Hi Hi!  My name is Brittney.  Not Britt-an-y.  Okay?  Okay, so like I am a 48 year old... ...middle aged .... youngish ....cougar college co-ed.  I like surfing and roller blading on the beach.  Well, not really the beach....... duh-- that would like TOTALLY ruin your rollerblades, right?  I am totally into body building and I go the gym every day between 2:00am and 3:00am when I am asleep so that way I am still fresh in the morning.  I am really concentrating on my own form of Intelligent Design / theory of Revolution and stuff and I only eat raw foods that I have grown with my own hands in the attic of my house that I share with other like-minded individuals and aliens.  I am single... for now.. but I am always looking... RROOOOWWWRRR!!!!

But we all know that is a total load of crap, right?  Because my profile should read
My name is LeAnn.  I have been in college since 1980.  I have two kids who keep me in psychotropic medication and a job that makes me want to jump out the window numerous times during the day.

But this, THIS is a real  honest to goodness profile, kids.

" Interests:
my kids, organic gardening and canning my harvest, earth-based spirituality and mythology, shamanism, art as healing, literacy, herbal healing, cultural competency/diversity, meditation/mindfulness, psychology, psychoneuroimmunology, mind/body studies, ecopsychology, geomythology, loomed beadwork, leathercrafting, wood and stone carving, Writing, Drawing, painting, Reading, my sweet shelter dog, my Celtic roots/heritage, Education, tutoring, camping, and the history of everything!"

O.M.G.  Someone get me a dictionary!  What is that stuff?????
Or maybe she is really a lot more like me and just trolling for blog materials.......

Stay Tuned Minions:  It is going to be a bumpy ride!!

A Visit From Aliens

You Can't See Me.......

I Didn't Do It Great And Terrible Alien Overlord

Human... You Saw Nothing
Animals Cannot Talk
They Cannot Read Your Mind
You Dropped The Plant Yourself
Do You Understand?
Now, Go Get Me Tuna!

I Am Hiding And You Can't See Me

Human.. You See Nothing

Go Back To Cleaning My Litter Box

Cat Friends

This is not the best picture--- the flash kept bouncing off my cabinet.

These are very special Holiday Cards that I received this year.

A very special group of my friends have made a tradition of sending each other cards at Christmas time.

This group of friends started out as a Message Board Group on the Weight Watchers Over 40 year olds.  JC's Cat Lovers We Were Known

Janet (JC) is our Great and Fearless Leader

When we had all about given up on Weight Watchers she established a new Yahoo Group and we all moved over there.  There are probably 15 of us.  We have been together about 10 years now.  We are spread out all over the United States from  California to Maryland to Texas to Michigan to Utah to New York to Washington to South Dakota.   Very few of us have ever met in person but mostt of us chit chat all day long-- every day.  We have seen each other through everything imaginable.  Difficult marriages, terrible children, losses of parents and family members, financial woes, MENOPAUSE (that is a BIG ONE).  We have laughed together at silly jokes and lit many a candle for our furry companions who have passed away.  We have agonized over decisions about how to best care for our kitties and puppies and supported each other when those decisions were so tough to make.   Janet suffers from many physical issues and she was in a coma 5 years ago-- but she is a tough girl and she made it back.   We are grateful that we are all still here all these years later.   We hope that 2011 will be the year we finally all meet!

So every fall Janet updates our addresses and we hunt far and wide to find the cutest and funniest cards that feature cats.  Sometimes we get creative and send pics of all our furgangs.  Amazingly this year there were no duplicates!  It is one of the best things about Christmas for me.  I am so blessed to have these friends in my life.  Now we have decided to get back on the weight loss road once more and so we are discussing good food choices, exercise dvds and the merits of Weight Watchers once again. 

There is a lot of talk about how the internet and social networking has changed the way we have relationships.  I know that sometimes people can use email and chat and messaging instead of meeting people IRL (In Real Life) and having 'real' relationships.  But it is also so very clear to me that the internet can also draw people together who otherwise would never have become such very good friends.

I love my Cat Lover Friends and all of you who share my life via this blog!

The Wings Of Loooove....

On the wings of love up and above the clouds

The only way to fly... is on the wings of love

On the wings of love only the two of us

Together flying high upon the wings of love....



Wing Nuts
(Too cynical?  Did I go too far this time???)



Magpie 48: Music

Sweet Adagio

Sharp, Staccto Forte Blasts

My Life In Music




Magpie Tales is a blog dedicated to poets and writers with the purpose of honing their craft, sharing it with like minded bloggers and keeping their muse alive and well. For more stories inspired by this picture go to http://magpietales.blogspot.com/2011/01/mag-48.html

Correction

This is soooo embarrassing!
Please forgive me, but I made a horrible mistake with my Magpie post.
That should have read "WhimWham for a Wifflebutt" not a Woofengauch. 
I cannot believe that I got that so wrong.  What is wrong with my brain?  
Everyone knows that a Woofengauch is the last car on a freight train!!

Starbucks Winners and My Journey

First:  The Winners of the Starbucks Gift Cards are:
Joshua from Virgina (remember-- coffee will stunt your growth)
Wayne from Pleasanton (and give you toe jams)
Yvonne from Michigan (do they have starbucks up there?)
Carol S from Lancaster, CA  (I know they have them here!)
Stacy from Out In The Middle Of The Desert (coffee also puts hair on your chest)
Congratulations to everyone who played!!!  (and Yes I am completely devastated a little disappointed that so few people played)
---------------------------------------
Are you ready?


Are you set?
Cuz it is time for you to watch me watch my weight.
Not because it is a New Years Resolution.
Not because I feel like an old person or because I am so tired all the time or because I look like crap (and don't say I don't because then I just won't respect you)
But because of peer pressure. Everyone around me is on a diet.
My co-worker is especially obnoxious because she started awhile back and she already has lost a lot of weight and is looking good. She is relentless. She wants me to stop drinking diet soda. I may have to kill her.  It isn't enough that I gave up the iced coffees that I love. But you can only push me so far. The soda remains........... for now.  Do you hear that Claudia-- back off the soda!


So I joined up at Weight Watchers because I know the program works. You must understand this about me--- my weight problem is not a matter of ignorance. I am very savvy about nutrition etc... I just don't do it. I cannot manage moderation: I am either entirely off the diet grid or I am a die-hard points counting, chicken breast weighing, a rice cake is a special treat kinda crazy person. In my life I have easily gained and lost 400 lbs. One time I lost 120 lbs in 9 months-- and it always creeps back. Maybe this time, instead of losing the weight, I should put it in a fireproof safe or something where it can never escape and find me and rejoin my butt again.


I'll try not to obsess on it-- except for the funny parts. Like the stroke I had when I weighed in. That was just hilarious. You gotta hand it to those WW employees-- she didn't crack a smirk or anything. I wonder what happens at their conventions though. Do they get liquored up and tell fat jokes? You know they do!  Do they secretly take pictures?  Do they laugh at how people practically undress and go to the bathroom to weigh as little as possible?
 


Overall it looks like a good group. There was only one aging Valley Girl who was all like   "O.M.G. I put on 4 ounces over Christmas (crying softly). Now NONE of my jeans fit! (whimpering and starting to sob) NO ONE IS GOING TO LOVE ME ANYMORE (all out wailing). My father never told me he loved me and my husband left me for another man. I found an M & M in the corner of the family room floor. It was covered in cat hair so I think maybe the dog had started to eat it and spit it out. I ATE IT ANYHOW (Weeping, gnashing of teeth)
It is possible that I only heard that conversation in my head.


So I am all set with my points calculator and my food journal! And my giant book of point values and my website tools. I know how many points I can use in a day and other interesting facts for example:


Raccoon is 2 pts for a 1 oz serving (who can stop at only a 1 oz serving though?)


Duck (domestic, without skin) is 6pts for 4oz. What I want to know is how many points for a Wild Disco Duck. You get points if you remember that song "Disco Duck") (and more points if that song is now stuck in your head-- Damn You Rick Dees!!)


Fruits are FREE!! ALL OF THEM!!! (Balloons are released) Even BANANAS!!!! (Waves of confetti come raining down)


The point value for Ostrich is the same as the pt value for Emu.


Here is something I do not understand. Maybe someone out there can explain this to me:


A 3 oz Hamburger patty is 3 pts. A hamburger bun is 4pts. Even taking into account the possible existence of mayonnaise,  How does this translate into a Carl's Jr Famous Star that is char broiled and has 18 pts? What do they do-- deep fry the whole thing? Do they douse it with oils? How is this possible???


By the way.... a tequila shot is 4 points........... I know that is important to some of you who don't think I should drink soda.... you know who you are.

Magpie Tales #47

"A Whimwham for a Woofengauch"

"Pardon me?"

"It is a Whim. Wham.  For a Woof-en-gauch"

"That is what I thought you said"

"Indeed, it was"

"Well-- what is a Whimwham for a Woofengauch?"

"Honestly, if you can't tell by looking at it, you will never understand"

Magpie Tales is a blog dedicated to poets and writers with the purpose of honing their craft, sharing it with like minded bloggers and keeping their muse alive and well.  For more stories inspired by this picture go to http://magpietales.blogspot.com/2011/01/mag-47.html

Christmas At The Fenner Williamson Home

Modeling My New Headlamp

Close Your Eyes- It Is Blinding!
It is Perfect For Reading In Bed!!

Christmas Dinner
Ashlie & Scooter
(Monicas 1st & 2nd Kids)

A PHOTO COLLAGE OF
THE FENNER-WILLIAMSON
FAMILY 
HOLIDAYS!
(I know the formatting is really really bad but I gave up trying to fix it-- SORRY!!)

Santa Finally Found Our House
On The 29th of December!

My New Office Assistant, Figaro!

Ashlie's Boy Friend Getting A
Manicure.  Metro-Man!

Ashlie-- From Now On Please
Just Say NO To Getting Your
Eyes Dilated, You Doper!!
"OMG My Eyes Are BLACK!"

2010 Christmas Olympics Winners:
Scooter, Stacey and Zachary

This Is What My 45 Year Old
Sister Got For Herself!

Olympics:  Picture Scavanger Hunt
Flamingo Impression

Olympics:  Gift Wrap Relay

Olympics:  Gift Wrap Relay
From Back Left: Ashlie, Rebecca
Lauren *\(My DD) Back on Right
Scooter, Zachary, Stacey

Olympics:  Word Scramble



Olympics:  Coloring Contest



Neener Neener Neener BRIAN S.
My Sister Got Me My Own Headlamp!

Slumber Party In My Bed: Chanel,
Figaro and Malley!!

Christmas Dinner

Christmas At The Grown Up Table

Monica's Family Is Very Huggy

The Gang At BEX!! Monica Told Them
It Was Danny and Joey's B-Day!
Talk About Bad Parenting!

Monkey Slippers Hat!
Stacey is my Bonus Daughter
(Laurens Best Friend)