When Zombies Eat Your Cooler

If you are one of my Facebook friends you know that Saturday I was incarcerated   trapped  imprisoned  tied up to a chair   stuck in a movie theater when there was a power outage.  While waiting to figure out how long it would be before they offered us free tickets (20 minutes as it turns out) I postulated via Facebook that it was possible that the Zombie Apocalypse was taking place outside. 
That is how these things work, you know. 
Not that I am a big fan of scary movies, mind you, I just believe in being prepared.  So my sister and I sat there for quite some time and goofed off;  the air conditioning was working, the lights were on, we had snacks and no where we needed to be.  Plus, there were those Zombies out there.  Eventually they re-booted the movie and when we walked out we got free passes for next time.  When we opened the doors and exited the building there wasn't a zombie to be seen.  And so we figured we had dodged the bullet.

Au contrair, mon ami!

These are crafty zombies.  They had distracted me with the power outage just long enough to locate my rental property, climb on the roof, chew through the water line and disapeer without leaving nary a trace of their dastardly deed.

Until my daughter in law found this on the guest bathroom ceiling.

My son, who is ever so handy, popped the water bubble and cut out part of the ceiling so he could see what was going on.

What was going on was water damage caused by leakage from the water line that feeds the evaporative cooler on the roof.  If you are not familiar with an evaporative cooler I will explain that in a bit.

This is just terrific news because if there is anything better than waiting 4 weeks to find out if you had a heart attack it is finding out that your rental property has major property damage.

So I called my insurance claims department to file a claim today.

This is basically how it went:

Ring ring.... hold hold....explain explain... transfer.... hold hold...explain explain... transfer..... hold...explain...transfer.......ring ring...... "Ah Namaste!  What can Abu do to help your unfortunate situation?" 
Not really.  His name was Mike

Me:  I need to file a homeowners claim
Mike:  Great I will be ectastic to assist you in any possible way I can as long as it doesn't involve finding out if you had a heart attack!
Me:  Okay, so my roof has water damage
Mike:  Yes we are getting a lot of calls today like that, how much rain did you get?
Me:  No rain.  I am in Southern California
Mike:  I am sorry, miss, but Hurricane Irene did not pass through Southern California
Me:  No, I know that.  It was my swamp cooler
Mike:  Your what?
Me:  My swamp cooler--- my evaporative cooler.  The water line was chewed through by zombies on saturday while I was detained in a movie theater and now my ceiling is threatening to fall.
Mike:  I am sorry, can you please explain this?
Me:  We were watching a movie and everything went black and so then my sister and I sat there for awhile because it was cool and we had snacks and we were figuring that they would give us free passes eventually if we sat there long enough...........
Mike:  Not the movie, I meant the Swamp Thing
Me:  Oh sorry....  Okay  an evaporative cooler (also called a swamp cooler) is a unit that can sit on your roof or the side of your house.  There are straw pads on three sides.  (about this time I find myself speaking with a southern twang).  Water is pumped into the bottom of the unit where a pump sucks it up and deposits it on the top of the pads where it trickles down causing the air that is generated with a big hamster wheel to become cool and forced into the house.
Mike:  Are you Sh**ting me?
Me:  No.... I am not.  
Mike:  And you have this big old thing on your roof?
Me:  Yes
Mike:  This is a trailer, right?  In a trailer park?
Me:  We prefer to call them 'Mobile Homes' and my last one did have a swamp cooler, but no this one is on a house.
Mike:  Well, dammit now I have heard it all.
Me:  Can we get on with this, my fried alligator meat is getting done and you gotta eat that right out of the bacon grease or it just isn't the same.
Mike:  Okay, well all of our agents have been sent to the East Coast to handle claims caused by Non-Zombie related acts of nature.  I will have the local claims adjuster give you a call when they get back in town.  It should be about the same amount of time you have been waiting to find out if you had a heart attack.  In other words, in about a month we will tell you we lost your claim and you will have to start all over again.
Me:  Awesome

Mike:  I do need to know-- it is safe for your family to remain in the house?
Me:  That depends.... what are you planning to do about those ZOMBIES???

Words Hurt

Today someone made several very disparaging remarks about my family.

He called us all FAT people who are eating ourselves to death because we are

 MAN HATERS and DISTRUSTFUL!!!!

And that there is something wrong with my sister and I because we live together.

These are statements made in order to cause hurt and anger.

Intended to wound

The Bible says to turn the other cheek.

And my Mother always said "Never buy sheets in a strange town"

(but no one knows what that is supposed to mean so who knows if it even applies)

This person has caused a lot of pain in the past and is likely to keep it up

And that is sad

Today he makes me want to say bad words.

Many bad words

And I prayed "Lord, may I use bad words?  Just this once?"

And though a shaft of light did not descend upon me, nor a lightning bolt zap me

I didn't want to lower myself to his level

I decided to use my creative talents to express myself

And so.....  I dedicate this to "He Who Shall Not Be Named"

There once was the Ex of my Sis

Who was never too shy to her dis

Though his opinions were noted

They were always out voted

And I give my fat butt for his kiss

How is that for Turning The Other Cheek???

A New Wedding Marquee!!!

It has been a slow summer for weddings at my

favorite Wedding Marquee Spot.

Finally, something worth reporting

Speechless

I wasn't going to blog tonight because I am

VERY
BUSY

Cooking a wonderful indian flavored meal for my family

BUT

I took a break

And I came across this  and it literally made me LOL and think

I am NOT ALL THAT CRAZY AFTER ALL!

YOU MUST CLICK HERE AND SEE THIS

Stress Test Part 2: I AM NOT DEAD!

I DID IT!!!!

I got through my stress test and I didn't die!

YAY!!

The test was nothing like I expected.

Here is how it went:

I get there in my shorts and sneakers (Stressor #1)

With no makeup in case I sweat (Stressor #2)

I fill out forms and sit in the waiting area with 10 people who look like

they either died already or will do so at any moment (Stressor #3)

But the worst part

The absolute worst part

They turn on a Discovery Channel DVD

Oceans

Oh Yeah

Fish

On a BIG SCREEN

(Extreme Stressor)

Fish

Schools of Fish

Millions of tiny fish swarming around

Trillions of fish

Oh For The Love Of All That Is Holy--

WHAT KIND OF SICK FREAKS

ARE THESE PEOPLE????

THEY REALLY DO WANT

ME TO DIE HERE!!

Then they took off the electrodes and the blood pressure cuff

and told me my doctor should have the results in 5-7 days.

See no big deal, right?

NO BIG DEAL???  ANOTHER 5-7 DAYS OF WONDERING
IF THE PAIN IN MY NECK IS MY HEART

TAKING A LITTLE BEATING BREAK???

SERIOUSLY????

Here are other options for the stress tests:

Showing patients their bills

Jumping out and scaring them  BOO!!

Making them sneeze with full bladders

Telling them they are pregnant

Telling them their husband is gay

Making them take a road trip with teenagers

Giving them a fake winning lotto ticket

Forcing them to teach drivers ed with 15 year olds

Giving them my job

Stress Test

Stress Test

Sounds pretty innocent, doesn't it?

Does one pass the test if one is stressed by the test?

Does the level of stress induced by the necessity of the test determine your grade?

Is the stress caused by the inappriopriately casual instructions to

 "Eat light so you don't throw up and wear clothing that you are comfortable running in"

is that stress enough to pass the test? 

 (Cuz they isn't anything on the face of the earth (or on Vega)

 that I will be comfortable running in!)

Or is it, as I fear, the actual test itself and the events triggered by the test that are measured?

I am a just a wee bit   terrified    completely and utterly paralyzed by fear   worried  

mildly curious about how this will all turn out. 

I hope that I get my usual stellar grade.

I hope they know how to test aliens from Vega

But should things not turn out so well.....  keep in mind......

Big Party

Junk food

Gerbera Daisies

And should you be one of my readers who pray I would welcome your prayers

tomorrow as well as any assorted good thoughts, sunshine and

rainbows, best wishes etc... that anyone wants to toss my way.

Reckless

How well do you know me.... really?

I crave the rush of adrenaline that comes with living on the edge

Standing with my toes curled over the ledge

and leaning over-- ever so slightly off balance.

To catch a glimpse of danger

Sometimes I quench my thirst for the gentler side with an iced tea--

that calms my psyche for a moment

But there are other days when the urge sweeps over me

like a tsunami of desire to play with fire

My throat burning with need for speed, for danger

Those days I pull out all the stops.

Throw caution to the wind

Laugh off pleas for temperance

Dive deep.....deep.....deep....

Into the swirling maelstrom

and emerge to charge pell mell into life

with bravado and abandon

Ass over tea kettle

Looking for ways to up the ante

More

Some people jump from airplanes

Wrestle alligators

Walk across hot coals

Bungie jump

Swim with sharks

Run with bulls

Shall I poke the beast?

A small sly smile flirting across my mouth

and into my eyes

Shall I look...directly...

into the eyes of the monster

Me?

I wear white clothing

Yeah--- I heard you gasp.

Moreover... shall I poke the beast further?
Shall I look... directly... into the very soul of destiny?

Yay I shall take it further and

Even further out on the branch.......

I

Drink

Coffee

Why????  WHY???? You gasp

Why do I tease the fates?

Because I cannot be content with the status quo

I cannot mere exist, a proletarian

Somnolent... dazed.... numb......

I must feel

Awake

Alive

The Thing About Eating Vegan

I know that some of you are still confused by my new status as a citizen of Vega.

It has been just about a month now, you know, since I came out of the closet.

How do I know you are still confused?  

The following is the transcript of a recent conversation.

Monica:   Explain to me about the Vegan thing again.

Me:  I don't eat animal protein

Monica:  What exactly does that mean?  No meat but what else? 

 What is the thing about the faces?

Me:  The easy way to think of it is that I do not eat anything that has a face

or is made of something that has a face.

Monica:  What about rice?

Me:  Does rice have a face?  No!  I can eat rice but I eat brown rice

because I try not to eat processed foods.

Monica:  What about the salad dressing you had for dinner?

Me:  If I were a good Vegan I would not eat that because it has

cows milk in it and cows have a face.

Monica:  What about nuts?

Me:  DO FRICKING NUTS HAVE FACES???????

 (She hands me this cashew)

This is the kind of supportive family that I live in.

Finally!! Proof!!!

Recently I went to PetSmart

To Get Some Cat Toys

There were blue ones

And Brown ones

I was wandering around, enjoying the sights

When I rounded the corner and saw....

THE WALL OF DEATH

CLICK HERE!!!!!

I Risked Life and Limb To Get This Close Up So

You Can See For Yourself

THAT THEY DO JUMP FROM TANK TO TANK!!

AND THEY WANT TO GET OUT AND ATTACK HUMANS!

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You!



Psssssssssssst..............

(Don't Spread This Around:  Whole Foods in Santa Clarita is selling Organic Marijuana Seeds)

Sam Has a Spa Day

Samson

My faithful canine friend

Who, as many others in my household, has a few 'issues'

He does not enjoy going to the groomers

The last three times I have had to pick him up before they were done

 and had not gotten to his nails

So yesterday I took him in for a mani-pedi.

His nails were in bad shape.  They were very very long and he was

hurting himself when he scratched.

First I gave him some Doggie Downers to put him into a Zen-like state being

One for Sam, one for me.  One for Sam, one for me......

Sam was hammered.

He was all like "I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE"

And "I FEEL LIKE I HAVE HAIR ALL OVER MY BODY!!"

We got to the spa and there were many decisions to be made.

The Vietnamese ladies swarmed around him!

"You like Animal!!!  You need wax!!  I will not hurt you-- PROMISE"

"You want gels or tips?  You want callous removal?  You want sea salt?"

"Pick a Color!  Pick a COLOR!!"

Sam originally thought about getting french tips because when they

grow out you they still look okay for awhile but eventually he picked a lovely

 shade of green that really brought out the color of his

eyes, and made the pink portion of his nose really POP!

" You want small flower??"

Eventually he was finished, and we went home.

 " DUDE I can't wait to get home and drink from the toilet!!"

Much thanks to some wonderful friends who helped me with my neurotic dog. 

Who shed blood once again and got sprayed by a part of Sam that no

should ever even know exists.  Yet the smell still lingers many hours later...

In Case Something Happens To Me

I am going on a short road trip today

This must be said.... just in case.

If something should happen to me I need to get this off my chest.

Plant 42:   4 + 2 = 6

Area 51:   5 + 1 = 6

Do the math

That is all

Something Else You Didn't Know About Me

Since I am a exceedingly humble person it is possible that very few

of you know an especially facinating fact about me: 

I am a published author!

You may not know that many years ago Betty White was not the ultra-hip chick that she is today.  If you go back aways.... further.... FURTHER.........waaaay backkk further to say 1970 she was known to be a bit of an animal nut.  A true animal activist before PETA was a household name.  And she published a book about animals.

In 1970 I was an egg in my mother's ovary but since I was a child prodigy I was also in elementary school.  I had a teacher named Mrs. Pyner who was a tad  strange   odd  wack-a-doo  eccentric. 

She wore all pink all the time. 

She was ancient and had wrinkley skin and she always wore bright pink lipstick.

(Picture the lady who owned the dog in There's Something About Mary)

Anyhow.... Mrs Pyner encouraged her most promising students to submit items

to Betty White to be featured in her book.

Guess who had written a non-fictional account of her encounter with a Real Unicorn?

No, NOT ME!!   OMG!!  Probably some schizophrenic because.....

HELLO?  Unicorns are not real.

DUH!

I do not know about Rainbow and her magical unicorn who could kumquat gold coins but I do know of 'someone' who wrote a deeply touching haiku about a deer.

That is right

Me

Thank you..... thank you......  Really please sit down you are starting to embarrass me a little......  Really.... thank you......

The Gopher Tail End (Buahhhahha)

Gopher Saga (part 2) by Carol Serpico AKA the Gopher Huntress

Sunday, July 24, 2011- Requests for my rodent pest control service have been coming from as far as Tehachapi, Westchester, and Rancho Palos Verdes, California. Yes, news of my successful gopher trapping has traveled fast…..thanks to Facebook, LeAnn, and cyberspace. Which is why I couldn’t give up on Gopher hole #3. This one, wiley, whiskered wodent was weally wiping me out!!! For seven days I had repeatedly placed traps down both of its semi-vertical and lateral tunnels using what our friend, Carlos would describe as the “arm down the hole up to the elbow or shoulder” method as he often sees his wife using in similar lawn battles. Doulas and large animal veterinarians can somewhat relate to this concept. Knowing that a gopher can exert up to 18,000 pounds of pressure per square inch with its bite, only magnifies the serious nature of …..GOPHER HUNTING…and places great risk upon me, the Gopher Huntress, as I place these devices underground. The thin chamois leather gloves offer a false sense of protection during this placement step, but they might keep a few germs from getting under the nails. Dear Lord, if it be Your will…please let me catch this gopher.

Now some of you may think…Carol is one sick woman….(again, I’m reminded there is more than one definition of “sick” nowadays). Allow me to explain….please???? I have witnessed my horse galloping around my back acreage, severely fall, and actually do a somersault. It is the only time I have seen this gymnastics maneuver performed by a horse. Why? One of his hoofs (hooves?) had gone into a gopher, rabbit, or ground squirrel hole!!! Then, only last week, my hubby was standing on a step stool working on removing a hook from our house stucco, when….faster than you can say, “Bob’s your uncle” he was lying on the ground…his glasses had fallen off…and his foot was caught up in the bottom of the stool…(for a split second I thought—a giant human trap)…I feared he was hurt. “Why did he fall?” you ask. One of the stool legs had sunk into a gopher hole!!!! A gopher HOLE I tell ye!!! Hearing him say, “I’m alright,” produced a great sigh of relief out of me. It was immediately followed by a great deal of laughter upon discovering that his back had landed squarely onto a pile of…um…. doggie stools (or cumquats). I have greater fear now when I am atop the 10 foot ladder, trimming trees, with the electric saw in hand, hoping the front lawn doesn’t give way under one of the ladder feet!!

Anyhoooooo! I have decided to try the BIG TRAP   this time, known to hunters as …....the BLACK BOX.

Now, the BLACK BOX can only be used in a BIG tunnel.   I had to use a BIG shovel to open up a BIG area.   It also needs to have 4 inches of clearance above the box….  for when the mechanism is triggered. I placed the open end of the BLACK BOX snugly against the opening of the lateral tunnel, then gingerly placed an old maroon bath towel over the construction site. (Out of the towel crawled the biggest BLACK Widow I’ve ever seen)…the IRONY!!!……note to self: don’t leave car-washing towels outside to dry for more than a month. Bleeeh-eh-eh-eh!!... I promptly squashed him with my shoe. (I’m reminded of the times…back in “the day” when I used to get the eebie jeebies just crushing an ant with my finger….okay, Carol, stay focused)
So….I felt like such a kid…..I had to peek under the towel twice today……but Gopher #3 was laying low, keepin’ on the down-low…..snoozin’ for a bruisin’…

Neener Neener Neener!!

Monday, July 25- I got up…again…with that ole’ ….”can’t wait to check the BLACK BOX” excitement…….decided I’d better eat breakfast first….then I eagerly jogged to the “construction site—building a better front yard”. I sheepishly pinched one corner of the car towel, and threw it back (still a little eebie jeebie-ish from the BLACK WIDOW yesterday). I grabbed a firm hold of the new hay baling cord, which I had attached to the BLACK BOX contraption yesterday, and felt a new added weight. My eyes caught a glimpse of fur in the early morning light…and then,……”YES! A BACK END AND TAIL!!!” A new hymn came to mind, “Hallelujah, ……..hallelujah, hallelujah!”

Just as a fisherman measures his catch…and takes pictures of it….just as a deer hunter counts the points on the antlers and mounts it on the wall…..the GOPHER HUNTRESS took measurements and pictures to note this momentous occasion.

I will spare you…unless my editor requests these.
[She does not wish to see the gory proof-- we take your word for it]
Don’t worry, I am not one of those hunters who likes taxidermy. I do not find the stuffed JACKALOPES amusing. If you have never seen one of these, then you haven’t traversed through enough antique shops. In case someone (like a daughter of mine) doesn’t know what a Jackalope is, I’ll tell you. It’s when the bored mid-west farmer has a little spare time on his hands, so he takes a dead rabbit, adds tiny antlers to it, stuffs/preserves it, and mounts it into a decorative, usually seated position…. for visitors to his farmhouse to admire and question.

So, I know the Lord loves a cheerful giver. I released the dead gopher into the large half-moon 2007 gopher war-zone section by the circular driveway.

Within the hour, the raven that lives in the pine trees next door hobbled over. It has an injured leg and wing.  It was… probably shot at by a c r u e l bird hunter last year.
I’ll spare you any more details to my story.
The raven was happy, and I was….well…..I was cheerful.

July 31, 2011- I am currently battling GOPHER #5.
[Final note from LeAnn-- she is still catching more gophers.  You will have to check out her facebook page.]

Snail Cruise

Today my youngest neice turns the big 1-2.
Before her brothers went back home to Utah (cough*UTARDS*cough) we went to lunch to celebrate early.  Becca picked Red Lobster.  I didn't really think anything of it.  Sure, she hates fish but she likes shrimp so it made sense.
We get to Red Lobster and she orders chicken.
Chicken at Red Lobster 
Personally I am nomming down on a sad little salad and some brocoli.
And none of the lovely biscuits.....  or my favorite salmon.......
Well, Becca's chicken dinner had a side of crab legs, the sight of which inspires her to instruct her brother to GET THAT OFF MY PLATE!!!
Because
She can't STAND the smell of fish.
She who could have chosen any restaurant.
My nephews are flabbergasted by this!  And their mom comes to her defense reminding them that when they all went on a cruise she ate snails but didn't like them

This prompted my favorite quote of the day

"But mom, when you picked a cruise you didn't pick a SNAIL cruise"

Touche, Scooter.  Touche!!

Glitch in my Giddy-up

Day 12 of the Vegan Occupation:


We currently are experiencing mixed results.
Blood Pressure:  Good
Blood Glucose:  Down about 25 points average.  Still not normal, but better
Weight:  Down 30 lbs
Pretty good but other icky issues are coming to light.
And so new tests will be done.
And my new exercise program is being put on hold.

See this is what happens when you go to the doctor.
They find stuff

Otherwise the new diet is going well. 
Tonight for dinner I made Pad Thai which was yummy.
Rice noodles are pretty good!