College Textbooks

Oh this Brave New World in which we live, breathe and matriculate!

Gone are the days of putting a fruit snack in your pink camouflage rolling backpack and heading off to class.
Today all one has to do is plop oneself down in front of her handy dandy computer and log in to attend class.
Lectures by a distinguished professor have been replaced by a cartoon character with accompanying silly sound effects via the web. (Think Conjunction Junction What's Your Function?) And if you don't 'get' that reference, just forget it. You are TOO YOUNG!

Anyhow.....
This is my text book for my Spanish Class this semester.
IT COST ME $194.95!!!!!!!!!!! AND I CAN'T EVEN SELL IT BACK!!!!

It is an envelope. With a CODE inside.
And it cost more than my first car. Okay that isn't really true but it is close!!
Shouldn't something that expensive be THICKER?
I can't even wrap a paper bag around it and draw pictures on it of a Liger or something. What the heck? WHERE IS MY PEECHEE FOLDER????

But.... never fear, Geeeezers.... soon I will be purchasing my Financial Accounting Textbook. And this is for a IRL class (In Real Life) at the actual Antelope Valley College Business Education Building and I will have a real live professor!
Where is my pink rolling backpack? I am gonna need that soon!!!

Back To School

Spring Semester has started at Cerro Coso College (GO COYOTES!) so now I am matriculating once again. Only Uni-Matriculating though, not Bi-Matriculating quite yet. AV College (GO MARAUDERS!) doesn’t start their spring semester until February 9th.

Today my sister/wife/mom was at Walmart so she said she could pick up some school supplies because it is raining outside and I am really sick with a really nasty bad cold but I went to work anyhow cuz that is the kind of committed employee I am. And I did need a new notebook to organize my Spanish Class Homework.

So she was all like “They have these really perfectly fine black notebooks for $.92. Are they okay?” And I was all like “NO! ONLY DORKS HAVE PLAIN BLACK NOTEBOOKS!! DO YOU WANT EVERY. OTHER. STUDENT. IN THE ENTIRE COLLEGE TO MAKE FUN OF ME???? DO YOU WANT ME TO SIT ALONE IN THE CAFETERIA?? ” And she was all like “LeAnn, this is an online course, they won’t ever even see you.”
And I was all like “OMG YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL”
And she was like “I am trying to understand you, can we communicate?” And I was all like “OMG HOW CAN I COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE FROM YOUR GENERATION??? YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL” And she was all like “Okay…. What is it that you are looking for?”
And I was all like “OMG YOU DON”T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL!! SOMETHING THAT EXPRESSES WHO I AM AND WHAT I BELIEVE IN!! SOMETHING FROM TWILIGHT?? HELLO??? SOMETHING THAT EXPRESSES WHAT REALLY TRULY TRUE TRUE LOVE FOREVER AND FOREVER IS ALL ABOUT!! LOVE THAT TRANSCENDS TIME AND PATHOS AND CHAOS AND DEATH AND UNDEATH AND IS JUST REALLY TRULY TRUE?
SOMETHING WITH JACOB ON IT WITH HIS SHIRT OFF!!?
And she was all like “What about a notebook with polka dots on it?”
And I was all like “OMG!!! FREAKING POLKA DOTS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL!!!.......

WHAT COLOR ARE THE POLKA DOTS?”

Things That Make Me Go: HUH???

Story Time, Geeeezers (Jeeeezers):

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl and they got married. One day, many years and two children later, the boy tells the girl that he is happy and needs to leave her so he can be gay. Opps, I mean he says that he is gay and he needs to leave her to be happy. (Hey it works both ways!)

This does not make the girl happy and her heart looks like this.

One day, when her heart was feeling better, she met the boy down the street and she fell head over heels in love with him. She chased him hard: she cleaned his house, she cooked dinner, she took the kids shopping and decorated their bedrooms, she was nice to his mother even though she didn't seem to like her.

Can you say "Co-Dependent" boys & girls? I knew you could!

He sent many mixed signals though the girl was too stupid to figure that out-- she actually thought he loved her too. She used to be a very silly silly girl. One day he told her that he wasn't at all attracted to her and that he was sure they could still be friends but he had to dump her fat butt so he could be happy. The girl wondered why everyone on the other side of this equation seems to have to leave her to be happy and what was she supposed to do to be happy. Then she decided she didn't need to be happy but she really had to stop being stupid.Her heart looked like this
Time went on and eventually her heart looked like this because it was a lot safer that way. She never let herself care about anyone again.10 years passed. This is what her heart looks like today. Actual Size

Nothing ever stirs it. It is safe. Dead, but safe. She is okay with that.
One day her son calls and says that he as found a note on her old car that she keeps at his house. It is from the boy who finally managed to finish her off romantically.

It is too light to scan but this is what it says:

LeAnn
How have you been? Happy New Year
Mark
HIS PHONE NUMBER
I am sorry for all the pain I caused you.

She thinks this is very odd and wonders why he did that. Has he finally come to his senses? Has the girl he married left him to be happy with someone else? Is some sadistic mythical cupid figure decided to poke at the dead heart to see if he can stir up a little spark of agony after all this time like some kind of opossum that got run over by a freight train and is all squishy and flat but you just have to go poke it with a stick to make sure it is really really completely totally dead?

Was she getting dangerously close to running out of blog material and the universe decided to supply her with something interesting to think about?

Whatever should she do, dear Geeezers???

Should she forget she ever saw it?

Should she call him to say hello?

Should she call the number and fart into the phone?

Should she just blog about it and let it go?

What??? I expect a response from YOU!!

Batten Down The Hatches!!

This is an actual email I received by one of the General Contractors on a job we have in the Southern California Area:


"It has been forecasted that we are in for a major weather event (Rain) next week. The Specifications and General Conditions require that each Prime has dewatering responsibilities. Additionally some effort to prevent rain impact is required."

THE SKY IS FALLING!!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

Rabbit Gravy

I was born at a very early age, you know. And many memories have fallen by the wayside, but something my sister and I both remember fondly was our mom's fried chicken and the rabbit gravy she made with it.
There very well may be a logical explanation for why this was called 'rabbit gravy' but we don't know what it is. And we could certainly ask about it... but aren't there some things in life that are better left unexplained? Sometimes don't you want to believe in the Tooth Fairy? Don't you wish sometimes that your laundry still magically washed and dried itself and found it's way back into your dresser drawer?
Do I NEED to know that the real name for this stuff is Country gravy or Milk gravy or Whatever gravy when I could just go through the remainder of my days believing that it is actually Rabbit Gravy?
Is it possible that it was made from rabbit? Not in our house!
The only rabbit to pass our doorstep was Tyrone, my sister's rabbit. And he was quite alive, thank you very much. If any other rabbit crossed through our doors I don't want to know about it. NO, DON'T TELL ME!
One of my favorite bloggers is Suzanne at Chickens in the Road. She is awesome. I can hardly place myself in the same catagory as she. She is a West Virginian Farmer Lady and I LOVE to read about her farm and her animals. And she is clearly a fabulous cook. And she takes pictures of everything. You gotta check out her blog. Click right HERE
Anyhow.... in the spirit of a true country cook, I bring you The Making of Rabbit Gravy.
First you fry your CHICKEN. CHICKEN I TELL YOU!!
When your CHICKEN is golden brown you take it out to drain off all the fat and calories on a magic paper towel. You take off all but a few tablespoons of the oily little pieces of chicken batter stuff in the bottom of the pan and make a nice roue with about an equal amount of flour. You cook this for a few minutes until it looks right.
This is a Very Important Concept: 'Until It Looks Right' A lot of what I cook includes this important step in the recipe. It drives people crazy. But, it is what it is. You cannot measure neither in terms of time, nor quanity nor 1, 2 or 3-D what 'Until It Looks Right' exactly is.

You JUST KNOW!

Then you add milk little bit at a time until it turns into gravy.
Voila!
RABBIT GRAVY!!

Serve this over mashed potatoes and then the corn goes on top.
Trust me. That is the right way to eat it.
Oh yeah, and the Biscuits from the Canister of Doom go perfectly with this also.

Apologies to the Phobics

This is a horrible thing to do to you out there. I am a horrible person.
Because the situation presented itself and in a flabbergasting display of insensitivity I felt COMPELLED to blog about your suffering.

What kind of awful person does that???

A blogger. Yes.... It is your great mis-fortune to have a blogger in your life.


You know who you are. The people who shun the Dreaded Canisters of Doom otherwise known as the Biscuits in a Can.

Biscuits. In a CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Some of us Tra La La blithely through life with nary a nano-second of thought lost wondering what could happen if we were to take one of those canisters that are packed with such astounding pressure-- chock full of Biscuit dough-- and SMASH them against an available counter..

I couldn't help myself.
They were delicious.

(No animals were harmed in the documentation of the Biscuit Can Of Doom Documentary)

A Crime Against Hairmanity

In the interest of ratting myself out when I have less than perfect moments (as opposed to exposing everyone around me) I give you this post.

Recently I cut my hair pretty short. This new 'do' requires a blow out and a session with the flat iron. Last night I fell asleep with it wet.

This morning my sister had me arrested for one count of ESH (EXTREMELY SCARY HAIR).

Do you agree?

You May Want To Avert Your Eyes

I have to warn you. This post contains references to bodily functions. If you are easily offended you may want to turn around and back slowly out of this blog......


Ah, you are curious now aren't you?

This is another Taxi Cab Confession. You remember previous posts about comments overheard...... If you need a refresher click HERE and HERE

My sister overheard my niece tell her friend in the back seat of the car yesterday:
Rebecca: "See that is what farts smell like. Yours smell unusual"

Unfortunately we will never know how the rest of that conversation went. Sadly... this was not saved for posterity......

Road Trip Part 4: The Snacks

Road Trip Snacks-- The Final Chapter
I know this SEEMS like a lot of junk food but do keep in mind that there were 3 of us in the car, we were very bored, we had a LOT of money to spend in that convenience store (Over $30.00 in winnings!!) and we did not eat all of this stuff. Actually I think we shared the popcorn and the soda and were about sick of junk food. I don't think we have yet a week later!
PLUS, please do note that we did wash it all down with diet Pepsi.
Isn't my sister a good sport?

Road Trip: Part 3

At this point the excitement of being on the road was starting to wane.
Down the road a bit we saw Zzyzx Road which is a really cool name so I took a picture.

Further down the road we had to go through the Agricultural Inspection Check Point. This was a harrowing experience because we hadn’t quite finished off the snacks yet and we were worried that the Coconut M & Ms we had could be considered to be fruit. Nevermind that coconuts aren’t fruit and nevermind that there was no actual coconut in the coconut M & Ms (not to mention that WHO EVEN KNEW THAT THEY EXISTED)—we were still stressed out that they might confiscate our M & Ms. Thankfully, as one would expect from highly paid professional Agricultural Inspection Police, the officer was texting on his cell phone when we drove up and he just waived us through without nary a peek at the 10 tons of oranges we had stuffed in the back of our vehicle.
Moving along… we drove through Barstow.. where the traffic again was bumper to bumper heading into Vegas. We so badly wanted to tell them to TURN AROUND!!! But our warnings fell on deaf ears…..
About the time we were in Barstow I asked my sister, very nicely, if she would let me get a picture of a cow for my blog. You guys have NO IDEA the amount of imagination, effort and creative stimulation that goes into this blog. I carry that camera all the time. I keep notes of interesting things. I watch the world around me. I listen to dumb things people say and see dumb things they do and I document these things. And I needed a picture of a cow. But NOOOOOOOO she couldn’t manage to stop any of the times I saw a cow to take a picture. I ask for ONE THING and she couldn’t do it. It was hurtful I tell you. Even worse than the time she killed my parakeet when we were kids. Okay maybe not THAT hurtfull… but still…..
So…. We drove and drove and drove through the Mojave desert that looks astonishingly exactly like UTAH and finally arrived home at 6:40pm. 870 miles with 17 hours of drive time. Wow.
We put on our jammies and went to sleep. It is very quiet in the house only the three of us again.

Road Trip Part 2

We got back in the car (here is the excitement brewing at the thought of headingback into traffic) and crossed over into California! Yea!!! Here is a shot of the traffic. Just so you get an idea of what this was like--- here is a shot of the odometer and clock when we got on the freeway after crawling up the onramp. I am sorry that it is so hard to read but it shows 2:45pm and the last four digits of the odometer read 176.

Here is a shot about half an hour later.

Note that we had traveled about 1 mile. Don’t be jealous—you can come with us next time.

We almost got a ticket trying to dump Lauren out but then saw that there was a fine for animal abandonment. Seriously, she was a very good girl so dumping here didn’t even cross my mind. But it is good to know for future reference, you know?
Now right here I could tell you all about the road trip snacks we got and consumed but I think I am going to leave that for it’s very own blog so check back for that.

About halfway home from Vegas we got to see the World’s Largest Thermometer in Baker, California. Very Exciting!