Pip & The Killer Koi

One day I remembered that Mr. Pip the Squirrel had told me that
there were legends and myths of the forest. And so I, with nothing
better to do with my day, made way to Pip's corner of the Great forest of Winter Blooming Camellias. "Mr. Pip!!! Yoooo Hooo!!"
I spied him foraging on the ground for food. "Mr Pip, might I interrupt your food gathering to request another story?" "Food gathering? Phsaw! I dropped my car keys somewhere around here! But since you mention food, what did you bring me today?"

Today I came prepared with a Caramel Macchiano AND a Marshmellow Krispie Treat!
"Hmmm that is satisfactory, good woman. Please sit down and I will tell you the Story of the Killer Koi as I nibble on this fabu breakfast"


Deep in the forest lies a pond. In it reside the Killer Koi, or more specifically nishikigoi, literally brocaded carp which are actually ornamental domesticated varieties of the common carp, Cyprinus carpio. They do not appear to be dangerous, au contraur! But truly, this is The Goldfish Pond Of Doom! (in spite of the fact that they are not, in fact, goldfish or Carassius auratus). Some say it is only a legend but I have seen this before, with my very eyes! In fact I captured one incident with my new Samsung digital camera. On this one particular day a small child was lured to the pond by the beautiful gigantic koi. It can be no accident that the collective noun for a group of goldfish is a "troubling". Of course they are not truly gold fish per se, but are actually Koi from the carp family. But I hold that they are, in fact, troubling even so. "Look Daddy! See the beautiful gold colored fish which are not really gold neither are they goldfish but are in fact orange colored koi?"
The father, not sensing the danger he and his young son were in, sat egging him on and taking
pictures!"Oh my goodness" said I "If those orange colored goldfish which are neither gold colored nor goldfish should jump out of the Pond of Doom and snatch the nose right off that boy's face, it is going to take a lot of time on Photoshop to make him look remotely normal again!"

"That is so" sighed Pip "But the father was focused on focusing. "My son" said the father "hold out this goldfish cracker and see if the pretty gold colored fish which is neither a goldfish nor a gold fish will eat it" "Ah, delicious irony!" said I. "Quite so" agreed Pip. "Were you aware that Goldfish are snack crackers manufactured by Pepperidge Farm and that these crackers come in several flavors and are shaped and colored like small, cartoonish goldfish. Approximately half of the crackers have smiles, while the others lack any expression."

SUDDENLY the Giant Koi propelled itself toward the boy, grabbed him with his razorsharp teeth and pulled him down, down, down into the depths of the Goldfish Pond Of Doom"

"Glug, glug, glug"

and the waters were still once more...
except for those Killer Koi!..

"What have we to learn from this, Mr Pip?"

"The moral of this story is this........ Killer Koi are good for only two things: Decorative water treatments and.............. Tartar Sauce

And with that, Pip scampered off into the forest......... until next time.

The End
(Literally)

(All in fun, Dear Cousin Susie.... all in fun)

We Have A Winner!!!!

Yes, Jim, it could be that simple!!!

You are now the proud owner of your very own Java Stop Keytag!!
(Be sure to thank all the little people who got you where you are today in your acceptance comment!)


Did you even know such a thing existed? And even more importantly, WHY it exists??

Groupies~~ Keep an eye out for the next edition of WTH Is That??

PS: Sorry to have to ask, but which 'Jim' are you????

New Look To My Blog!

Ta Da!!!!!!!!

Those of you who know how technologically challenged I am will be FLABBERGASTED to know that I gave my blog a new look ALL BY MYSELF!!!!!!!
Really!!!!

And.... since no one is getting anywhere close to guessing the WTH item, here is a hint:

1) I did not buy this item, it was a freebie that came with the college textbooks I ordered online.
2) It is something you might use to protect your clothing.

PS: Okay so I haven't figured out how to fix my signature yet, but I will persevere!!!

WTH Is That????

Inspired by the Giant Asparagus at my local movie theater I bring to you a new feature of Geeez-- The Blog:

'WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?'
GIVEAWAY CONTEST!!!

The first person to correctly identify the item in the photo below and leave a comment to that effect on my blog, will win this very interesting item!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Good Luck Geeez Groupies!!
(And if I do not know you IRL be sure to leave an email address so I can contact you about claiming your prize!)

Not Me Monday: 2-23-09 Edition

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

As for me, here is my confession of some of the things I did not do this week!

I did not pay only half attention to my Economics lecture while paying the other half to making notes about the blog I wanted to write about being in college at the tender age of 46 yrs old. No! I am a GOOD STUDENT! I always give my full attention to the lecture before me!

I was NOT impressed that poop was a part of our Sunday sermons for the THIRD WEEK RUNNING today! My pastor would never have a local baker create a beautifully decorated cake that was made from a cow patty as a visual aide of hypocrisy. And our associate pastors would not keep the poop references going in the following two weeks of sermons! Certainly Not! And I would not laugh to myself Saturday when reading Chapter 4 of Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" only to find a manure reference in there too! No! I am far too manure for that!

I mean MATURE!

And you all know that I am most certainly more Manure than Mature!!

Feline Fiascos: Making The Bed

If you don't own a cat (as if anyone 'owns' a cat) besides the fact that I feel sorry for you, I wonder if you know the correct way to make a bed?

Step One:
Attempt to anchor down all four corners of the sheet at the same time. In this step I was assisted by Oliver Thomas O'Malley who was trying to get that last stubborn corner on the mattress.





Step Two:
Once all four corners are fitted over the mattress, send in a cat to smooth everything down from the inside. Madeline was my assistant in Step Two.






Step Three:
Have another feline sit in the middle of the bedding and refuse to move regardless of coaxing, pleading, begging, prevailing and bribery. You then must wait until said feline, in this case Jasmine, deems herself to move. One never moves a cat-- which results in many a lost night of sleep.


Step Four:
The perfectly made bed. At this point the canine member of the household (IE: the one most like having a toddler or a man in the house) wanders in to see if he can be of assistance. Once finding that the task has already been completed, he will then plop himself on top of the freshly made bed and take his 23rd nap of the day. The part of the slacker is being played by Samson.

How Do I Do It????

Recently several of you have asked me: How do you come up with the stuff you blog about? Where do you find inspiration? How do you turn an ordinary picture into something fascinating? Were there dinosaurs on Noah's Ark? (Wait, that one is mine...)

So come along with me on my journey. I will give you a peek into my world......

It is Tuesday night. Tuesday I have my MacroEconomics class from 7:00pm to 10:00pm at my local community college. I know that I have been telling everyone that I am finishing up my general ed so I can transfer and finish my degree, but the truth is I go there to spy on people and find blog material. And it is a treasure trove let me tell you!
College at my ripe old age sometimes makes me feel as if 'I am a Stranger in a Strange Land' and I sometimes have difficulty grokking. (If you don't 'get' that-- shame on you!) (I know Cat will get that one-- who else is sufficiently geeky?)

One of my current courses is Statistics. Therefore, I will use my new found statistical skills to break down my class demographics:

• 78% Students who are younger than some of my underwear
• 14% Students who are children of people I went to high school with
• 8% Students who are either perimenopausal/mid-life crisising, just want the student discount at the movie theater or are faking it to acquire blog materials.

In case you are not as well educated as I, and frankly if you didn't understand my Heinlein reference I suspect you are not, this analysis is an example of an Observational study.

Then, as I stride across campus I take a sampling of the students in a 20' radius and concur that:

• 36% Geeks and/or Dorks who are focused on their studies (most likely to the exclusion of any social life. For the purposes of this study I am excluding online video games as social interaction),
• 27% Stoners who are either actively partaking of the Herb RIGHT OUT IN PUBLIC or clearly took a toke or 5 before they got there,
• 9% Old Farts who cannot remember where they parked their car
• 28% Have no idea why they are there except their parents said they have to go to school or get a job.

This, is an inferential statistic implying that I can make a conclusion for the entire student population based on a sampling of typical students standing around. Are you with me so far?

Last week the Econ professor polled the class to find out why people were taking the course. So as to keep my cover story, I said that I am pursuing my Business Degree. There was this group of kids in the back that look about 15 and act about 12--- they all giggled and said that they all registered to take the class together because it looked 'fun'. Fun? Seriously-- were they expecting Betty Crocker to show up and teach them how to cook brownies? This is Economics, Tiffany... not Home Economics like they show on Leave it To Beaver! This week half of them were gone already. Of the remaining few I noticed what had to be a mid-class booty call. This involved Boy Texting Girl. Girl giggling at Boy. Boy getting up to leave class. Girl getting up 3 minutes later. 10 minutes elapse. Boy returns. Girl returns. Now THAT is a break. All I got was a bottled water.

Now, back to the parking problem. I think that the school should use a parking system like Disneyland. You know like Goofy-6 and Mickey-36. It would make everything so much easier- cuz you know those potheads gotta get lost too. I think there should be Einstein-4 and Socrates-11 etc.....

Clearly I have to 'dumb down' my vocabulary and obvious command of classic American literature so as not to scare off my 'prey' or the students that I study. (Or as my niece recently told me "Aunt LeAnn, we don't use big words"). In order to fit in I make sure I wear lots of black eye liner and have pierced my eyebrows in several locations. I also text people constantly during class and listen to my ipod when I am walking across campus. I had a brief moment of ambivalence about my rolling backpack. It is not really cool to use a rolling backpack, but since I am an old fart, carrying around my 17 lb math book makes my neck hurt. Should I suck up the pain and carry a backpack or a messenger bag like the other kids or go with the rolling pack that will allow me to minimize the pain... What to do?? Finally I went with the Hot Pink Camouflage rolling backpack. Oh Yes, I DID!

What? You think I should have posted a picture of my backpack on my blog? Do you think I am your Blog Monkey or something?
Well, yeah I am.... but YOU AREN'T THE BOSS OF ME!
Okay, maybe you are.

I mean, I am needy and seek constant validation. So maybe you are.

Course, if you really loved me you would leave comments. Just sayin.....

17 Years Ago Today

February 14, 1992

Seventeen years ago today I was at a Valentines Banquet. The last thing on my mind was that today I became a mom again! See, after many years of trying to have another baby, 2 failed private adoptions and a couple of years with an adoption agency, we had given up and bought a new car, dismantled the baby's room and pretty much given up. Little did we know what God had in mind for us! Because as we celebrated V-Day, our daughter was being born to a courageous birthmom named Redi. Redi & Lauren had a lot of health issues to start with so they left us in the dark for about 6 weeks. Then, on April Fools Day I got a call at work from Jim "We have a daughter!" I thought this was some sort of cruel joke, but it wasn't. That was Wednesday and we had until Friday morning to get ready to pick her up. Thursday night was the night we got a crash course in "Apnea: what to do when your baby stops breathing". Okay, now I was just terrified! On Friday we went down to the agency where we met Redi, who gave her baby girl a kiss and carefully handed over to her new mom. And thus, Lauren came into the family. (We had to pay for her on our Mastercard-- we had used our adoption money on a new car!)

Lauren is puzzle wrapped in an enigma. She is truly one of a kind and she loves being unique! She loves goth and Disney Princesses. She reads sophisicated literature and watches horror movies. She had her hand at being vegetarian until realizing that pastrami is meat and that she would have to actually eat vegetables. She has a facination with how the Holocaust happened and why people are so hateful. Her crushes come and go so fast you need a stat card to keep up. Every year she remembers a friend who passed away in 6th grade and leaves flowers at his grave so he knows someone still misses him. She is passionate about her friends and her bands and her thoughts. A lot of the time I feel like a facinated spectator of the Lauren Parade going by!

She and her cousin, Ashlie have always been close! They played dress up until the clothes fell apart-- they were their own early dance partners. These days it is all about Hip Hop dancing. I would tell you all about it but she won't let me watch her in class so I really don't know what it is.

In middle school Lauren approached me about becoming a cheer leader. Boy was this fun! Two catscans in one year--- tell me again that cheer leaders are not athletes? Lauren was a base-- which meant other girls climbed all over her and kicked her in the face. I have always had an irrational fear of cheerleaders so this was a difficult time for me emotionally. (At least she isn't blonde!!)



I am a lot happier with her love of theater and performing arts--- now there is something I can get behind. Plus she has suffered no choral injuries so far. Amoung other things, she is active in the Antelope Valley Children's choir-- that is her in the pink wig, in case you missed it!

Lauren is a Fan(atic) too!! See her top right corner, red shirt stretching out her hand toward her favorite band, Tokio Hotel! Lauren loves German Bands and the boys that go with! She likes guy-liner and blonde dreadlocks! And her plans for the future include getting the heck out of this forsaken town that she has grown up in and moving to Germany to teach english to boys with guy liner and blonde dreadlocks!


For her birthday this year she initially wanted to go to another concert of german boys but decided on a Tea Party if I promised to stop crying hysterically. She had her party early with a few of her Besties: Breann, the Other Lauren, Cora and Jackie. I got to go too... and I got to eat the yummy treats but otherwise I was the "Invisible Silent Picture Taking Mom". It was a lot of fun! Of course they acted like ladies... most of the time.... okay, they did flash gang signs at me but only once! Maybe twice!

Lauren, my youngest child. My Bunny Girl! Being your mom has been an adventure I am so glad I didn't miss. Your brother may have made me a mom the first time, but you, my girl, taught me that True Love Happens when your baby looks you in the eyes and smiles. Regardless of where you came from, You Belong to Me!

Happy Birthday to You Happy Birthday, dear Lauren! Happy Birthday to you!!!! Love Forever~ Mom

Happy S.A.D. Everyone!!!!!!!!

What? You don't know about S.A.D.?
Ohhhh I suppose you celebrate that Other Holiday!
Fine! I feel sorry for you so I will clue you in!

"Legend says St. Valentine was a priest in 3rd century Rome around the time of Emperor Claudius II. When Claudius decided that unmarried men make more willing soldiers, he soon made it illegal for young men to marry. Claudius sent a decree canceling all engagements and marriages of military-aged men. Valentine knew that no emperor could stop love, and continued marrying these young men to their loved ones in secret. Legend said Valentine was discovered and sent to prison. Some legends say he fell in love with the jailer’s daughter, and before he died sent her a letter declaring his love, signed “From Your Valentine”.

Okay so Mr. Saint V gets all the glory... but some of us think Claudius was on to something so we celebrate~~~~~~

S.A.D. == Singles Awareness Day

It happens every year on February 14th! Now, I know it isn't the 14th quite yet, but that day is another special day for me and so I will have a different post that day for you!

For now, I will list some of the things I will be celebrating on S.A.D. 2009:

I will be hogging the remote and watching whatever I want, whenever I want to!
I will be sleeping on BOTH SIDES OF THE BED!
I will not find someone else's dirty undergarments on my bedroom floor!
I will have control of the thermostat!
I never worry about the toilet seat being up!
I will eat chick food! Including food with lots of onions and garlic!!
I will not see the trash can overflowing for days at a time nor will I have to give adoration and applause if someone else FINALLY dumps it!
I will look at both the closets in my room and be happy for all that unshared space!
I will see as many chick flicks as I want!
I will look at my bank statement and not find any unaccounted for charges that someone else forgot to write down!
I will have as many cats as I want!

Don't be jealous!!!!

'Not Me Monday' 2-9-09

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.





Welcome Geeez Groupies~
It is that time again-- 'Not Me Monday' my chance to confess to all of you the things that I most certainly did not do this week!


I did not throw a 17th Birthday Celebration at the Belladonna Tea House where I played the part of the 'Invisible & Silent Picture Taking Mom' At this tea party that I did not host, I did not discover that my daughter (the beauty in black) does not have an appalling lack of graceful social manners. I did not see that she threw a peace sign in a group picture, and I most certainly did not notice that she was texting another friend during her party. I did not witness her with her elbows on the table, I did not witness her picking up a sugar cube with out using the little tongs, I did not hear her talk with her mouth full, and I did not have to break my silence to remind her to use her inside Tea Party voice and that what got 'so and so and his girlfriend expelled from their Christian school' was not proper Tea Party conversation.

I am relieved that I did not do any of these things because I would hate to think that she appears to have been raised by wolves.

Very Deep Thoughts For A Friday

I didn't know I was going to have a deep thought-- it just snuck up on me. Cuz I was thinking about something else. But, there it was.

I was driving on my lunch break and I saw this big old scary storm brewing off to the north of town. I thought "Wow, that is a Big Old Scary Storm over there".

But the sky was blue right over me and Lola. Lola has a cool moon roof. I love it. I paid extra for it and it was worth every penny! It is like having a convertible without having crazy hair. but I digress..

Earlier in the day my sister and I were discussing our ambivalence about dating. What with S.A.D. just over a week away and stores full of paraphernalia for those who reside in Happily Ever After Land, this usually leads to thoughts of how has my life turned out this way and what will happen to me if I do or I don't get remarried? Wouldn't life be perfect is someone loved me? Etc....
So I was thinking about this when I noticed the Big Old Scary Storm and I thought about how good it is, really, that we don't know about the future. I mean, who needs to KNOW that there is a Big Old Scary Storm on the horizon? It may be full of lightning and thunder and hail or it may be all for show. It could be full of lovely snowflakes that will lead to cozy days snowed in or it might be full of wind and tornadoes and who knows what else.

All of a sudden...................
ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sneezed. It was a BIG SNEEZE. It came on without warning as I was driving along on the freeway. Luckily I did not go careening off the freeway. But it did add further food for thought.

Here is the thing........ If you pay too much attention to what Scary Storms are out there, you will miss the blue skies that are in your life right now. If you figure out how you are going to repair your house after the hail and the tornadoes that may never happen-- you will miss the sunshine in your life now. When something big does happen, you usually aren't prepared for it anyhow. (Like a Big Sneeze) And it could send you careening over the edge (but it probably won't.) Most likely you will wipe the snot off the windshield and carry on with your life. Regardless of how it feels IN the storm, they always end.

I am really bad about looking for the next storm and trying to head it off or figure out how I am going to deal with it if it ever hits. That is why I love this verse from the bible: Matthew 6:34
'Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'

Another thing to think about: I can see this storm, but it isn't necessarily MY storm. It is way over there. So I can pray for the person getting rained on but I don't have to take it on as my own. I forget that occasionally! I am a fixer, you know, but it isn't always good to rescue people! Sometimes people miss their lessons if they are rescued.

I am not especially happy to be drenched in a storm, but I have learned to try to ride it out and see what happens. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says 'Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' So I try to look for what I can be thankful for as I am riding it out (see, it doesn't say to be thankful FOR it, but IN it). So I can be thankful that I know God and my family of friends and relatives will be there with me in the storm. Lessons of Storms Past have taught me compassion and empathy. They have taught me that dependence on God and friends is not only okay but preferable. My divorce taught me to pay more attention to what is going on around me. I believe I am a better parent for that. My divorce has taught me a whole lot of stuff-- it was a pretty Big Scary Storm you know! Sometimes Storms even produce rainbows. But you need the storm to get the rainbow-- they just can't happen on a sunny day. I have a story like that too, but you will have to wait for it.
(It is always good to leave your crowd wanting more, you know...)

24 Years Ago Today!!

February 4, 1985

I was sitting in the park eating peanut butter on a banana and feeling a lot of contractions and wondering, for the 100th time, if this was the Big Day!!

And it finally was!

After worrying for a month that I would somehow go into labor and sleep through it (ROFLMAO) it was time for The New Arrival!
Back in those days when dinosaurs roamed the earth we didn't know before hand if we were having a boy or a girl-- so we had names all ready for both! Bethany Anne for a girl and Brandon Michael for a boy.

I loved being pregnant! I was so prepared and calm for our Bradley Method, no medication under any circumstances, birth. We were so calm we didn't even have anyone come to the hospital. So when things went bad and they knocked me out and got that baby out poor Dad was all alone! When I woke up, he told me "We have a baby boy!" And when I woke up 15 minutes later and didn't remember, he told me again. And again. And again!

That, it turns out, was the easy part.
The next day I realized what I had done and started crying-- full of pity for this poor defenseless child who had clueless idiots for parents! I remember telling everyone that I was sure he would starve to death because I had NO IDEA what to do! I had never even changed a diaper before!!
WHAT WERE WE THINKING????
Amazingly, in spite of ourselves, he thrived. This tiny little baby performed a miracle:

He made me a Mom!

Oldest grandchild, firstborn nephew-- he was the object of way too many
adults' complete attention and adoration! He was colicky and he didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time until he was 4 years old but when that kid smiled-- all was forgiven!

Brandon was an amazing kid: He didn't inherit a great singing voice from either of his parents but he was an athlete in spite of those same genes! Astonishing! Master of Lego Construction, collector of Ninja Turtles, patient explainer of how the Star Wars Collection Card Game worked, fixer of all machinery, technological wizard-- that was my boy!



In a few years he became a terrific big brother to Lauren.

He wanted to take her to show and tell in a box and was terribly disappointed that she wasn't going to automatically speak Spanish when she talked so she could teach him. When she was old enough, at least in his mind, he introduced her to one of his favorite activities-- turning the back 1/4 acre of our land into an enormous mudbog and playing in it for hours. We won't talk about the fort they made!

When he was 15 we read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" together and he told me he didn't plan on dating until he was out of college and established in life. I told him not to be too sure, you just never know what life has planned for you. A few months later I sent him off to his Junior Class Trip by himself and he came home with the Love of His Life, Jericho-- who is now my favorite Daughter-In-Law. (She was on the trip too-- he didn't just find her somewhere.) Sometimes love is right under your nose!


Today my baby is 24. He is an EMT and makes his living helping people and showing compassion. He is learning to be a good husband and spiritual leader of their home. He is romantic and tender and strong and a little tiny bit arrogant.

I feel truly blessed by God that my little baby has grown up to be such an amazing man.

Happy Birthday, Dear Brandon Happy Birthday to You!!! And Many More!!! I Love You~~ Mom

Pip & The Camillias

Once upon a time....

I went searching for lovely flowers in the dead of winter.......

I needed a guide for my journey and so I sought after a friendly woodland creature to assist me in my quest. After searching for quite some time, I spied a frisky little squirrel.
"Yoooooo Hooooo!!! Mr Squirrel!!! May I have a word with you?"

"May I offer you some tempting acorns to guide me in my quest to find lovely winter flowers?"

"Pshaw!!" He snorted! "There are nuts all over the place around here! And there are even some acorns on the ground in this forest. And my name, if you must know, is Pip! Mr. Pip to you!! You have not exerted any effort to gain my favor! I really must be on my way! The Superbowl is almost about to start and I need to prepare a seven layered bean dip and pick up a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi before I head over to Raccoons party"


Pip turned to leave and go about his appetizer-making task. I felt my heart sink... What could I do? What had I to offer him? I searched through my rucksack....... a tic tac...... a roll of film..... mapquest directions for how to get home..... some midol..... a couple of digital cameras that only a rocket scientist could get a decent picture out of...... what to do... what to do...... AHA!!!


"Mr Pip... might you be willing to show me the way to the path of Winter Blooming Camellias for, say..... a yummy Starbucks walnut and zucchini muffin?"

"Starbucks muffin, you say? Fresh, is it? Hmmmm a much better offering than stale forest acorns! I do love me some Starbucks pastry items!!! Perhaps I can be of assistance then. Perchance have you a Carmel Macciano with an extra shot of espresso and whipped cream to go with?"
Delicately I broke the news to Pip "No, so sorry am I but I have no fresh caffeinated beverages to offer you today.... would you take a $5.00 gift card to use on your next trip instead?"
Reluctantly Pip agreed to show me the way in spite of the lack of coffee to wash down the muffin. Clearly he was not in need of any extra caffeine because he ran straight up the nearest tree!!
Only to continue to run around and around in a circle speaking gibberish. Or possibly that is just how squirrels talk.
Or possibly I had one two many caffeinated beverages myself......
Either way.... eventually he pointed me in the right direction and ran off to the local Walmart Supercenter for that Diet Pepsi.
And this is what I found........

Thank you, Mr. Pip...........

Wherever you are.............